p.s. Probably the hardest R for me is my R with my mom. I love her, and we're good most of the time. But I have to put my DB hat on with her more often than most people in my life. Sometimes, she can be cruel and I expect her to be different as she ages. Why, I don't know. Because it's insanely stupid.
Sometimes I get so angry at our reality. I wonder how a mother could say what she says to me, yet go to church every day and do many things right otherwise? When I get stuck, I have a few people I can call. My biggest ally was her sister, who passed away suddenly in April. I lost the one person who understood both of us and found a way to help me work through stuff that can't be taken back. I've chosen to forgive her for her shortcomings and I remind myself that she does the best job she can with what she knows. Even though it falls short of the bar I set for myself and my R with my girls, it's true. She's chosen not to fix things or how she feels. The reality is that I have choices too, and I've chosen this path. Sometimes it's the hardest choice I have to make.
DBing gives me a way to communicate better. My old self would retaliate or say something equally hurtful to her. Now I evaluate if that brings me closer to my goal. My goal isn't to change her, Becky. It's to change me. I can fix how I respond to that. I choose to shut it down and not give it fuel to live on. I can sleep better at night when I choose that path. I figure the ugliness that occasionally comes out is a reflection of how she feels about herself and her anxieties. It's not about me.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
