I understand your insecurities you had in your relationship. Your story is similar to mine in a way that this is our second time through this. When it happened to me the first time and she came back it was like nothing ever happened. We moved on from it and had several great years. But I was insecure. It was deep inside me and it probably came out as jealousy. I can't go back in time and change things.
Hi IrishM, good to hear from you. The crazy thing about my situation is that I think everything would have been absolutely great if I hadn't have had a slow trickle of uncovering and discovering more and more evidence of H still contacting OW over several years! (Not because I was deliberately looking I hasten to add, I found everything quite innocently going about my business cleaning, tidying or looking for some lost object!).
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Outings with the kids are great aren't they. Keep them busy. You said it was always you and them mostly because your H was working. It's a lot easier because the don't expect him to be there. Try new things to. Change it up and a lot of pictures. These are memories for both you and them. Those sitting on the outside looking in miss everything .
Yes, I love going on outings with my kids! H actually looked at some photos from my last two outings with them that we've been on since he left and commented what a great photo one of them was (it was of me and S looking immensely happy).
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Great that you did a 180 on your husband. His reaction to your interest in his work is super. It won't make him think more about your R or maybe it will. We don't know what's spinning I their minds. Do the 180 for you as well if it makes you feel good. If he notices great :-)
It does make me feel better about myself that I am showing an interest. Upon analysing why I haven't been showing an interest, I think it is because I had withdrawn my interest because he had shown little interest in making me feel secure after all of the OW discoveries.
((((inpain)))) Stopping by to give you a huge hug.
What have you done today to move the focus a little more onto you?
Hi Mona! Thank you so much for stopping by to check on me, it means a lot to me. I'm hanging my head in shame though...I have done nothing to move the focus onto me today
I have been like that Inpain, so don't beat yourself around. Think about something that you could do for you. What about a bath? Reading a book? Cooking?
I don't think I can really help you as for the last 2 weeks I have been going back to square one like on DDay. I'm struggling to move forward, so I sympathise with you. Sorry I can't be of further help.
Hang in there my friend. Loads and loads of hugs :-)
Hi Rouky, thanks for checking on me. It really means a lot to me! A few hours ago I would have answered that I was feeling sad and exhausted with it all, but I have to say that I am hopeful but trying to tell myself not to be, and terribly confused!
On Sunday night when H left he said he could take D to school today and tomorrow. This morning it was almost time for me to leave for work and he still hadn't showed. Then I got a text from him asking who was taking her to school! I replied that I thought he was and so he came round straight away and said that he didn't know I'd actually agreed to it!?!?! (I said OK, that's fine, when he'd said it on Sunday so not sure how he didn't know).
He also picked her up from school and I have to work late on Tuesdays so it was teatime by the time I got home. I walked in to find that the hoovering had been done throughout the whole house and there was a delicious smell coming from the kitchen. H was cooking a roast dinner! I busied myself upstairs for ten minutes or so and then came back down and asked if he had hoovered. He grinned and said he couldn't believe how long it took me to notice. I carried on busying myself with laundry wondering what on earth was going on in his head. About an hour after I got in the roast was ready and H called me into the kitchen asking if I could help serve it up. We served it up together - it was like old times. H put a film on for us to watch while we were eating and he stayed after it had finished, right up to S's bedtime. Throughout the film he was very chatty with me, talking about what happens in the film as it is one we've watched before. He also talked to me about his work and a few things that are going on there. When he left I thanked him again for cooking tea and doing the hoovering and he said, "You're welcome." It is all just so bizarre!
I have been like that Inpain, so don't beat yourself around. Think about something that you could do for you. What about a bath? Reading a book? Cooking?
I don't think I can really help you as for the last 2 weeks I have been going back to square one like on DDay. I'm struggling to move forward, so I sympathise with you. Sorry I can't be of further help.
Hang in there my friend. Loads and loads of hugs :-)
Rouky we must have been typing at the same time! I tried to start a book my Mum brought round yesterday but just couldn't concentrate on the words on the page - my mind just constantly wandered onto H. I'm so sorry that you're struggling too. I think it is so much harder because our Hs are coming round to see the kids. It is very hard to detach. You don't need to apologise, seeing your posts means there are people out there who care and who I can talk to and that alone means more than anything to me! Hugs to you too!
IP - Oh, I hate to do this...I really do. Please do not let yourself get your hopes up after one decent encounter. It was nice, a pleasant change. Do your best to leave it there for now. (I'm wasting my time, right? LOL)
It's when he starts doing repeated good actions over a period of time that your hopes can start to rise a little.
Who knows what is going on in their heads? Nothing you or I would recognize, that's for certain!
Now...quick question...just curious. Which continent are you on, that you say "Hoovering"?
IP - Oh, I hate to do this...I really do. Please do not let yourself get your hopes up after one decent encounter. It was nice, a pleasant change. Do your best to leave it there for now. (I'm wasting my time, right? LOL)
It's when he starts doing repeated good actions over a period of time that your hopes can start to rise a little.
Who knows what is going on in their heads? Nothing you or I would recognize, that's for certain!
Now...quick question...just curious. Which continent are you on, that you say "Hoovering"?
:'( It's OK Ancaire, too late anyway. Yes, you were wasting your time telling me not to get my hopes up. Yes it was all a load of cake eating, false, mind bending *$*% and now I'm sitting in tears.
Last night around midnight H text (3 hours after he left here) asking if he should get an item for tonight's tea that we'd all been discussing while eating the roast he cooked yesterday. I waited my usual ten minutes before replying yes. So he's gone home and is thinking about things then, I thought.
H came this morning so that he could take D to school but as usual came extra early so he could see S as well. He said he hadn't got to sleep until 4am as he just couldn't sleep. Hmmm, things on your mind H? I forgot to ask him if he could collect something for D as he is off work today so I did break my NC rule and text him while I was at work. He said no problem.
He picked D up from school and so was at our house when I got home from work. I started cooking what he'd brought for tea. He has stayed another 4 hours tonight and has treat me like there was nothing wrong, it was like old times again. S even commented when H went to the bathroom that H was acting like nothing was wrong between me and H. After sitting in 'his' chair for several hours he suddenly got up to leave saying he had to be up early in the morning. I asked him if he could just give me his work schedule before he left, he did, no problem. He pulled his usual pained half smile half I'm sorry for what I'm doing face at the door and that was it. All DBing out of the window. I said we need to talk about things at some point. He said we already had. I looked confused and said, "Not enough of a conversation for a 19 year relationship." (I know, give me the 2x4s!) Then I said, "So you're definitely divorcing me then?!" He said, "You know all this, we've talked about it." Then he said he's really tired, he wasn't lying about having hardly any sleep last night and that he was still waiting for passwords so that he can look at banking. I told him again that I wasn't happy about writing them down but he was welcome to look anytime but he never asks when he's here. So, there we have it. The last few days have clearly been...what?! I don't even know. Cake eating? Deliberate twisting of the knife? His effort to be a better father? Or maybe he has some foolish notion that because of my DBing and me not mentioning anything for so long and acting all happy, that he actually thought I was OK with everything now and was prepared to be his friend? Sobbing my heart out. Again.
Oh and I'm in UK Ancaire, is hoovering not what everyone says lol?
Hoovering is a new word for me too lol. I wil try to use it once a week . New words for the new me :-)
Continue what you are doing, I see it as baby steps. Don't expect him to one day say "what did I just do to my life and my family" . It probably took him a long time to get to be point and leave you. Of course they never brought it up and we are to understand the reasons without discussing it with us. Your 19 year relationship and my 17 year has no meaning to them. We didn't have a chance to work on anything.
I know it's hard not to fall to pieces or let your guard down especially when they show signs of the old them. When the kids see them back to themselves for an hour or more it's even harder. I did it at XMAs... Actually thought she was feeling the loss and pain of what she did. I was wrong.
They are irrational and we can't figure them out. They probably can't explain it themselves. Mine said she was confused, not sure what she wanted, needed to find herself. They are lost.
I hope he's not cake eating or trying to be "just friends" . Either way you will see it as time goes on then you can apply something new.
(Hugs) irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
