DBing is a way of life for many of us here. The goal is to save ourselves first. If we have a legitimate shot at showing our spouse that we *can* change ourselves and improve our marriage, that's the gravy on the mashed potatoes. You can't make someone love you. But you CAN love yourself.
You don't move on, you move forward. You can't allow yourself to disappoint yourself based on what others think or do. First and foremost, you must prioritize yourself.
DBing your STBXH might look differently now. You might want to make a goal that you just change the way you communicate. I'll bet that many of your issues (like 99.9% of us here) are the direct result of an inability to communicate well? So DB him (and everyone else in your life) so that you say what you mean and mean what you say. Learn how to state your needs firmly but with compassion.
I challenge you to replace that sentence about keeping you on the edge of hope with one of faith that you are resilient and will prevail, no matter what the outcome may be. You don't need to be bitter or cynical to be in a mindset of accepting what today has to offer and making it the best day you can.
DBing isn't manipulating. For me, it was a lasting change. I've had a couple relapses, namely with a very tough period communicating with my now D21 when she was a senior in high school and for a couple years of college. I had a really tough time when some of my DB pals here reminded me that I possessed the skills to get out of our stalemate. So I got back to basics with the DB principles and worked my way back into a harmonious R with my daughter. Not perfect, but I begin with the end in mind, ask myself if what I say or don't say will bring us closer together and I pay attention to what she has to say.
I still do this with my XH, because we parent two girls together. I want my family to be as emotionally healthy as we can be, and I want to teach them how to live by example. It was very tough to change, but with discipline, it really makes an everlasting difference. It's helped me in my friendships and business relationships as well.
It's nothing more than the golden rule: to treat others the way I want to be treated. Sometimes I just need to show them how to do that.
It sounds like you feel you're wearing a halloween costume and wanting permission to take it off. It's a permanent way of dress. Otherwise, we come off as manipulative and phony.
If that's the case and you're truly not comfortable with your path, what do you feel you need to do to make yourself feel better about your life and your prospects for a happy future? In other words, what are your plans to MOVE FORWARD with your bucket list?
Or are you just feeling bad about the prospect of a failed marriage? I understand that. We all go through our mourning on that. It's not linear and it takes time. But you still need to make your future all about you. It took about 2 years for me to fully process my divorce and the fallout. It's like death - it takes time for the rawness to go away, but you still have grieving to do along the way. It's especially hard when it's not a clean break and obvious. For me personally, that two years was spent mostly forgiving myself. Be gentle with yourself.
In the meantime, I'd like to know more about who YOU are as a person and what you want to be when you grow up. Put that focus back on you...
Hugs, Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
