So our story left off with the hero … that’s me for you new to the show … at odds ends as the MLC Oven continues to bake out another cookie. Throughout the past few months W has seemed to go back into the tunnel a bit, I could feel it … see it … heck almost taste the familiar nasty after bite of the MLC cake .. the one she was feeding and getting chubby from. She has me home, as the father to S, as the familiar family she so desperately seem to need, but strangely this is not in the rold of her husband nor any of the things that come with a husband and wife relationship … Trust, Commitment, intimacy, … none of that stuff, a live in helper with S, Groceries, bills, cleaning and the general errands allowing her a breather if you will from the MLC-train she was on for some time … as I posted, a breather from facing her issues whatever those may be, something I am not sure I will ever truly know as far as what these are.
What I do know .. atleast now is she dipped back inside a bit, and as I posted earlier this is not all that uncommon along with this feeling I have had brewing in me over the past week or two that I needed to push a bit. Typically its never a good thing to push and add pressure to the MLCr but at times I have leanred its up to the LBS to pull them through here and there and in my heart I feel I have arrived at this point. Its not out of frustration nor punitive .. I am at a point THIS is not the M I want, its not the foundation I want to build a new R on let alone a M. With this comes a risk, W could very well run for the hills but what would I have lost? A W not committed to a M, somone still being selfish and resorting to spewing in order to try to regain control of this R … well I have already tasted life without her, I have already let her go and am prepared to do so again in order to preserve the work I have accomplished to this point … she is testing that resolve currently so it’s a 1960’s stlye game of chicken on the freeway at this point. I worked Fridaynight as typical, came home and ate some leftovers. I have this condition that sometimes happens, its influenced by anxiety (There has been a little bit as of late eh?..lol) and eating red meat… my esophagus will lock up, I can not eat/drink until it relaxes. The first time it happened I was scared, it lasted about 12-14 hours… after that I learned a bit about it, figured out what to do/stay away from and the frequency and durations became less and less. Well That episode lasted 24 hours … was getting to a point I was about to go to the hospital but thankfully it passed. During that time W was pretty sick … S and I layed around the house watching movies as W rested up in the MBR. Sunday Morning I was feeling so much better I woke and walked the dog… went to church, the Priest who has been over seas was back, I felt blessed and happy, this man I swear has been touched by God, and his homily as typical were specifically towards me. “Allowing those in our lives to go on their own journeys” … yeah
So I came home and W asked if I wanted to go and do the shopping with her, I told her I would but had 2 appointments at 3-4 I needed to go to. She asked very casually and I told her very candidly they were apartments I was looking into. Cue spin cycle in 3,2,1 and here we go. At first there was this shame and disappointment, she said “I thought we were giving it till March” … This came from our R talk when she brought up she had decided what to do about ‘us’ meaning D, I told her that night I felt the same and was giving things time, had circled March in my head as I personally would have some things paid off and be able to afford a better place for S and I, along with the fact it marked the 1 year point of when she brought me to the beach an in tears told me she did not want a D and wanted to work on the M. So somewhere out of that … she heard “Lets give this till March” but did/said nothing that would make me think anything had changed, to this she said she has been sick. So I simply said … “Ok .. so what has changed? Are we going to come up with a plan, a list, something … set up MC … or revert back to what we know now what has not worked is leaving this all up to us and just going about things like nothing happened.?” The Monster woke up and let me tell you, has not flossed in a bit and had some spew, I calmly told her I would not be talked to/bashed and left the room, she followed, I left that room, then ended up leaving the house. She blew up my phone with more spew, reminiscent of the early MLC days and at that point I realized its her way of trying to regain control …. Texting vile things about me never pleasing her in bed, one sided sex, I never amounted to anything, I am a failure, the oldies but goodies … I did not reply and ended up going to the movies. I watched … ironically .. The Hateful 8, not a bad flick, a good 3 hours there. After I checked out the 2 apartments … neither really what I am looking for so that search continues.
When I arrived home, W approached and asked if I was avoiding ‘them” referring to her AND S, I said no I had some things to do … I grabbed some water and went into S’s room and was reading a bit. She came in and talked a bit started up again about the sex … seems to really be something there for whatever reason and she said for once in her life she is thinking about that as I told her its honestly not really on my radar. Purposely avoiding the fact she now has the STD … which I think she has been trying to bait me into throwing in her face, I do think there is a serious amount of guilt there. I told her I had not been thinking about sex because we are not emotionally connected so I felt its not something I wanted to share until we had worked on that, she brought up my boundary about not wanting a Sexless/Loveless marriage … I told her Yes, I do not want that in a M, I even asked her if she wanted that … with anyone … I also told her that takes time, and we have issues that are blocking intimacy … during these talks .. whenever I say we or us, she will yell .. “You mean ME” … again .. I think it’s the guilt eating at her here, just my observation.
So went to bed without issue, I woke up a bit before the alarm and W was a total mess. Its amazing when you can see it on their faces, what this depression can physically do. She came over to me and asked 3 times if I was ok, each reply was “I’m fine” … then I asked finally how she was .. she told me terrible, complained about her neck. This lead to her breaking down and crying, telling me she is sorry, asking for me to forgive her again, and again … I told her she needs help, she asked with what I tapped her head to which she replied “I’m not crazy” I softly said… I never said you were but you have issues you are not dealing with and they are affecting you physically and as someone who cares about you enough to tell you the truth, I think you need to get help and stick with it, not just quit when you feel better for a day or two. She got a little upset and told me to stop as she was insecure enough, I STFU … then she admitted she had all this anger she does not know what to do with, she felt so ashamed .. all in tears. Now I am not sure if she was just ashamed of that days performance, or the past few years … nor did I ask. She left to get ready as I went about my morning ritual. Later that morning she hugged me, told me she loved my hugs and all the sudden she was better …. Why? Because I think she feels she fixed this for now, stalled and I am back where she wants me … far from it but I think she felt that way.
That day(Yesterday) was all NC till she was leaving work. She let me know she had to go to store X to get her prescription asking if I needed anything, I told her “ok, nope I am good” then she asked about dinner for S .. I told her we would pick something up… received a “Fine, btw I have an interview Monday and S does not have school” I let that go and went about my eveing with S. Pretty uneventful evening, she asked for help on her work computer with Excel which I am quite proficient at. I had helped her on this project before … a few weeks ago, well her boss now wants some graphs to show her progress on this progect they brought her in for, I am telling you … she has made hardly any progress on this thing in the past 2 weeks, I could see the stress in her face. So I helped her till about 9 last night .. I know I know .. Mr Fixer … after about 9 I told her its late, I had to walk the dog and take a shower (To my defense I would have stayed up till 12 to finish this for her in the past) She actually got a little snooty … to which I snapped a bit and said .. “Ya know, you are welcome, you would not hev been 15% to this point without my help, the least you could do is appreciate what I have done for you it is not my fault you are in this position I was simply trying to help you out here, my mistake it will not happen again.” This felt like scolding a child, her reaction was the same, she was dumbfounded and did not even think she did anything wrong then cried because she got in trouble.
This morning I woke, same morning ritual as usual, Walk dog, pick up, wake S, get him breakfast, iron my clothes .. get S’s hair locked down from anarchy to almost a boy-child. As I was leaving W approached me, thanking me again and telling me she appreciated me and it was only a misunderstanding (not apologizing mind you) I told her it was ok … then mini R talks … she told me she wanted me happy, that my face looks miserable and has for the past 3 years. This has been said before … again .. I think its guilt , if she looks at me and I am not smiling or laughing its like she punishes herself for the damage …. Heck I could be thinking about a math problem and she things I am unhappy. I reminded her that my happiness does not fall on her shoulders, but I do not living in limbo. She told me I am welcome to the MBR, I told her I do not feel welcome nor do I want to share a bed with a woman who does not wanted me She interrupted “You mean sexually” … I left it alone, told her to have a good day and left.
Today, received a few texts .. first one “I hope you are having a good day. Thank you again. I am going to grab us all dinner tonight ok?” I replied in kind but short .. little chit chat about S, and her interview on Monday coordinating when I can take time off and take S.
Ok … so that’s all up to the now. As far as where I am, I am still set on moving, it’s a matter of when really, I would love to stall out till March but am not sure I can really deal with W and this that long, its like front row at a Gallagher event without the tarp and I am just getting all this crap all over me. But I also know the W, she will test and react and try to get me to stay and it is upto me to hold firm in what I have to have out of this, I just do not feel w is close enough to come out and give me those things, not now anyways … maybe 6-12 months of baking solo she might have come far enough .. I do not know .. no one does … this MLC is different for everyone, but what is certain, she still needs to address those issues, she was all broken and sobbing Monday Morning, now she thinks she has patched the ship adequately and tries to keep it afloat … in my head .. Game of Thrones .. “Winter is Comin” I know she really needs to break before she will rebuild herself and she will never break because she married Mr Fixall, I have to allow her to fall before she can rise and rebuild and become a better woman for it all … admitting our M may never be again which is fine, I would rather she escape the tunnel and MLC and not be with me, than to stay M to me and remain forever stuck in there.
She currently keeps busy with anything and everything … avoiding that work, but on the good side, she has been so much better with S, actually into the trivial things he finds cool and important to him .. like silly Plants vs Zombies games and movies, heard her this morning actually engaged with him, so their reconnection continues to improve and I am thankful for that. Dealings with me, a bit more at arms length … again .. we spouses are the first to be cut out and the last to be patched in .. if we ever are patched back in and I can see now, actually owning what she did, something I never thougt ever she would have done not only to me but herself … has to be a tough thing to do, I would respect her if she ever does do the work here but also do not blame her for avoiding it …. The fog lifting and exposing it all must be horrible, for her sake I do hope she finds peace and some balance in this mess. For me, I think getting out and letting her attempt this is the best gift I can give her, she may see it as abandoning her, maybe one day she can see it as the best gift of love a man could give his wife
Time will tell, I trust the path I've been put on.
