Kyrie, my H used to wake me in the middle of the night to spew. I learned to move into one of the kids beds and lock the door behind me. The last time H had a full-on spew towards me I told him it was time to think about leaving. Since then he has calmed down quite a bit and I have detached. He still spews, but maybe at 10% of the level he did before. I still listen and pull out the grains of truth and validate his feelings. If I find myself reacting I leave and go for a walk. Months ago, if I did that, h would have blocked my exit or continued the spew when I returned. Now, there are times he catches himself and will leave and go for his own walk and return much calmer. It has taken almost a year to get to this point.
I am very well on my way towards healing and I have not left my H nor have I received an apology. But I have learned that I am more than a wife. I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend, and an individual. Yes, I want to be a wife, and yes I feel that something is missing while I am in limbo. But I am ok and I can move forward in every other aspect of my life while H figures out his issues. I am hopeful, and the stronger I feel as an individual, the less I expect from H.
My "plan" is to continue to thrive in every aspect of my life that I can, and to act in a loving but non-reactive way to H in the meantime. If he comes out of this and is "healed" and expresses a genuine interest in reconciling, then maybe we can build a great marriage. If he doesn't I can live with a flawed partner and be ok. If he gets any worse, as in starts cheating again, starts the spew again (I believe it was at an abusive level) then I will initiate a separation. If we end up divorced I will be ok. I will not initiate a divorce, but I will initiate a separation if living with him is unhealthy for me. And by unhealthy, I mean refusing to respect my basic boundaries, such as screaming in my face, cheating on me, and blocking my exit from a room if I need space. My standards are not that high but there are some basics that I need for my own emotional health.
You can do this Kyrie. You are very resistant, but I promise you, you can do this.
