Its been an interesting couple of months with my first holidays in my situation. We made the best of it, still had her over for Thanksgiving, she hosted Christmas at our old house, and even threw a party for my birthday and invited everyone over. It hasn't been easy, I enjoy having her around but sad that we are still dealing with our situation. I have been going out a lot more, but still find myself being available to her when she calls.
At the end of my birthday, I found that she has purchased a book for OM and has dedicated it to him. This completely threw me back to square 1 in a way, I thought I had come so long and have been doing so well. I guess square isn't accurate, because instead of bringing it up and probably fighting about it, I just swallowed an STFU smoothie, said by to the kids after a few minutes and went home. I have been feeling very introspective and retrospective these past couple of days.
I am at my crossroads, I am staring at the choice to become unavailable, to stop communicating as often as we have, and to continue to do some of the things I do for her. I have always used the reason that I don't know where to separate her from the kids, but I feel that I am not going to get pass this if we continue to be the way we are, meaning that we won't change this situation. She continues to want to play friends, getting christmas gifts, birthday gifts, throwing me parties, and as much as I appreciate the gestures, I think these are just giving me false hope and keeping me in a state of attachment. I have been afraid to do the distancing because I am afraid of losing my chance in getting my family back, but I'm beginning to see, that until she has realized the loss that comes from her decision, things will continue as is. Why would she want things to stop, if she is getting her family when she wants it and still be able to go on dates, hang with friends, the rest of the times. I find myself being solely responsible for finding a daycare for the baby, and she is just coasting, I really have to stop these things.
I am giving myself a few days, and will return the gesture on her coming birthday this month, after that I would like to sit with her and let her know that things will be changing. I want to give myself some days to get pass the hurt and come from a place of strength.
I have been taking a hiatus from writing here, to just kind of focus on my outside life. I hope everyone is doing great. God Bless.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
