Here I am still

[kyrie]

From 25yearsmlcKyrie,



I know you think your situation is uniquely difficult & overwhelming. The good news is that's it's not.


-it is actually. He strongly believes that a husband is the head of the house. Actually, I strongly believe that too. What that looks like in day-to-day reality is where things get crazy. Apparently, this is somewhat unique today. I'm not going to go against that principle. SO, that means certain operating functions/principles at play here are... difficult/unclear. Or I'm still just really dense. Or all of the above.
What's more is that he has the same belief. But, he's also living a double life, of sorts.



The only SEMI unique factor is that your h is a pastor. (There have been others. And many many WAS's use their religion to justify leaving, and many LBSers use religion to justify judging their spouses.)

Anyway, if you are the sole provider then you know leaving him takes out a lot of the financial fears many women have. That is also good news. I strongly recommend seeing a Lawyer just for information. You need "do" nothing but gain information.

But knowledge is power. It made me realize I was choosing to work on my m, not trapped in it.

When you realize how much choice you really do have, it's empowering.


-realizing that part of it is rather meaningless for me, but if it came down to it, yeah, I'd be fine financially. But that's not the point.

PORN -

I would also point out the huge spectrum of what "porn" is, b/c there's quite a variety.

I'm not pushing my opinion of porn onto you.

But here are a few realizations that have worked for me, though porn was not a significant issue in my m.

1) Re porn, SOME COUPLES get a lot out of it & they enjoy it, when it's done together. Or at least the wives don't seem to mind it. One woman said "I don't care where he gets his appetite, as long as he comes home for 'dinner'."

There is no hiding or deceit involved. If you think about it, that factor is pretty applicable to most of our married life & behaviors, really i.e., if your spouse would be hurt by the behavior, avoid it.

Doesn't sound like "watching together" is an option for you. Or is it?

- this would fall outside of what is biblically acceptible or even healthy, and just from my perspective as a woman, *ew*.

AND we don't know what type of porn this is.

Yes, actually, we do. Mostly what you call soft porn. Soft porn is broader that what you describe here, but we'll go with your description. And yes, it's solely to his 'pleasure', self-pleasure/self-love. Despite my ever-present availability and openness (and frankly desire) for him. It is REJECTION OF ME for a false, cheap, empty substitute.

There's "Soft porn" that has actual dialogue in it, which suggests mutual consent, (and of course, perfectly "performed" sex).

I think it's one thing to know your h saw a photo or film clip of someone that turned him on, and led him back to bed with you,

AND quite another thing for him to misuse porn, by either:

a) watching porn that involves overt pain to, or lack of consent from the woman. That's just plain scary to most of us.
OR

b) the spouse uses porn to keep his urges to himself and denies his wife sexual intimacy b/c he took care of his own needs, and didn't feel "obligated" to meet hers.

That^^ second behavior is why porn is so attractive to adolescent males who have no girlfriend or "outlet" for their hormonal urges.

Sooooo, does his porn use require a divorce?

(Is there ANY flaw in a spouse that 'REQUIRES" a divorce? Most would say physical abuse requires leaving the home or kicking the abuser out. I think we'd probably all agree there. )

But most marital issues are not quite so clean cut and clear.

I don't know many women who would leave their h's solely b/c he watched porn; but if he denied his wife intimacy because of it, then many would leave.

For you, however, there's a lot more to this situation than porn. Correct?

-oh yeah, a lot more.

Can you outline briefly, what the "bad" behaviors are and how important they are to you?

My DB coach told me once that if h engages in "an undesirable behavior and which he KNOWS I don't want him to engage in, I have to choose between

leaving him b/c it's that important to me, OR STFU.

Because staying married and continuing to criticize the "bad behavior" helps no one. it's like saying "stay married AND stay miserable".

- I have no desire to be critical and have tried to eliminate that as a behavior. Zues rightly pointed out that I'm mirroring him and it is poison. I get that. Do you really need me to outline his bad behaviors? Mainly I'd just be thrilled that 1 - he was sorry about the affair and 2 stopped blaming me and attacking me endlessly.

There is another choice...

2) You stay and become happy, by GAL and Detaching from your h's behavior, and enjoying the parts of the marriage you can enjoy. That might be just the parenting for now, or it may lead you to leave the m....in TIME. OR he may see your inner peace and decide he wants to be part of that...and so, he changes...

But you will be better off, regardless.

My question for you is this:

IF nothing in your h's behavior improves, do you want to stay married to him? Think about this deeply. There is little to no reason to believe he will change while married to you. You cannot change him. Period.

(And You can't get your "allies" or his superiors to change him either. Believe me, I had h's bff's calling, and his brother, and it never helped me. In fact, it bugged h a lot. Plus, the more his choices were challenged, the more he defended the choices and or attacked me...

Is the real reason you are staying in the marriage, b/c deep down you think you might have flaws that are causing a lot of this ---or that you are not truly worthy of being loved deeply--

OR b/c your pride doesn't want you to admit you've chosen poorly, again?

- I'm sure all of those are at play. I'm not even sure I can answer about staying married if things don't improve. I'm suffocating. Dunno if anyone can continue the way I have. Wow, that sounds like a martyr, and that's not helpful. Just sayin'. And below, I hear you that sometimes it takes the other spouse leaving... that's what I keep coming back to... and why I'm so confused.

There are couples who divorce and remarry, and the 2nd time is better. I've got 2 family members who did just that. They were apart for a few years and each person worked on themselves. Sometimes it takes being left, in order to really get your act together.

I'm not suggesting this as a tactic, merely making an observation.

And FWIW My h and I do NOT agree on our marital past. That bothered me a great deal, for a long time.

Now, I choose to believe that what matters most is agreeing on our future.

-it's funny what you said about divorce & remarrying again. His folks did that, but did not solve their problems and divorced later. I wonder if he thinks that's a plan.