Wife is in love with another man

[Azzork]

1. I feel my wife may have "saved" me with her decision. I have found an even deeper love for her, that does not give me any feelings of anger or jealousy about her affair.

I felt like this too for the first couple months. I remember telling my IC that I wasnt mad at XW two months in, even though I pretty strongly suspected an affair. I thought that was me being a bigger person.

No. I was still in denial. I still expected that she would come back someday. But I wasnt allowing myself to progress through the grieving process of my relationship.

2. I found the phone records that gave me an idea of how strong her passion and love are for the other man. There were 2700+ text messages in the month of December alone. I have been a part of that type of passion for someone in the past (my wife for one) and understand how strong the desire is. It is something that cannot be stopped, and will continue to progress with or without my blessing. I do not want my wife to have feelings of shame or guilt, and I do not want her to have to hide her affair / feelings from me.

So how would you compare this to her being addicted to heroin? Her actions are essentially identical to being addicted to drugs. And yet, here you are telling her you are happy for her?

I get that you have no control over her. Putting your metaphorical foot down, throwing a fit, begging her to stop...those are all non-starters. She is a grown up; shes going to make her own choices. With that said, you shouldnt be encouraging her to her face - that makes no sense to me.

Maybe this other man IS the one who will make her happy.

Nobody can "make" her happy besides her. Until she looks into the mirror and figures out who she is and what she wants out of life, this wont end. You didnt break her. Neither you nor OM is going to FIX her.

I do want her to pursue her heart without remorse or guilt. Does that make any sense?

Honestly? No. She's a drug addict right now, searching for her next hit from OM. Shes going to do what shes going to do.

Look, you can want whats best for her. I want my XW to be happy too. She's the mother of my children.

But that doesnt mean that I agree with her choices. That doesnt mean that I dont want her to feel any guilt for breaking up my family.

I have not given up hope that I will be with my wife in the future. After learning of the affair, I feel like I have even more hope. Does any of this make sense or am I crazy?

Meh. Affair or no, waywardness is waywardness. Im not sure that the presence of OM really matters a ton either way. In general, it's doomed to failure anyway.

But even if she breaks up with OM, doesnt mean she will come running back to you. Thats where the other stuff comes in. The work you are doing on YOU.