Wife is in love with another man

[sandi2]

Sorry to hear about the problems in your M. Has your W moved out of the home?

When you speak of spiritual growth, are you referring to Christian, another religion, or something else? (Just to help us have a better point of reference).

[shreeve]

Oh, some other info. Even with the blinders of the passionate love affair she has going on, she has commented on several changes. She's very impressed with what I've done with the house. She was very surprised by my haircut and weightloss. She thought I looked "so good" and looked skinny. What meant more to me though, was the things she noticed in my character. She said she thought I would react differently to the news of the divorce, and stated that I have responded in an admirable way, and that it says a lot about my character. Similar to my reaction to her love for another man admittance - she said she expected a very different reaction and again commented that I am a man of high character. Are these the responses that should give me hope? She is madly, passionately in love with another man, and has convinced herself that she is incredibly unhappy in our marriage. But, she continues to compliment me, admires me and thinks I am a man of character? I guess it gives me hope in the sense that I am, in her mind a man of character. With a clear head and a clear heart, how will she view a man's character that would pursue another man's wife?

[Cadet]

Not sure why this came out with scroll bar, re-posting

Those were quotes

[shreeve]

Yes, we moved her into an apartment on 1/2 I think? I am christian, and didn't want to insert religion into it (not sure if this is a "secular" forum). But yes, I do feel a lot of spiritual growth and it has helped in a big way. I do believe it is what has strengthened my love for my wife and family.

[shreeve]

I'll try regular "reply" button next time?

[Azzork]

1. I feel my wife may have "saved" me with her decision. I have found an even deeper love for her, that does not give me any feelings of anger or jealousy about her affair.

I felt like this too for the first couple months. I remember telling my IC that I wasnt mad at XW two months in, even though I pretty strongly suspected an affair. I thought that was me being a bigger person.

No. I was still in denial. I still expected that she would come back someday. But I wasnt allowing myself to progress through the grieving process of my relationship.

2. I found the phone records that gave me an idea of how strong her passion and love are for the other man. There were 2700+ text messages in the month of December alone. I have been a part of that type of passion for someone in the past (my wife for one) and understand how strong the desire is. It is something that cannot be stopped, and will continue to progress with or without my blessing. I do not want my wife to have feelings of shame or guilt, and I do not want her to have to hide her affair / feelings from me.

So how would you compare this to her being addicted to heroin? Her actions are essentially identical to being addicted to drugs. And yet, here you are telling her you are happy for her?

I get that you have no control over her. Putting your metaphorical foot down, throwing a fit, begging her to stop...those are all non-starters. She is a grown up; shes going to make her own choices. With that said, you shouldnt be encouraging her to her face - that makes no sense to me.

Maybe this other man IS the one who will make her happy.

Nobody can "make" her happy besides her. Until she looks into the mirror and figures out who she is and what she wants out of life, this wont end. You didnt break her. Neither you nor OM is going to FIX her.

I do want her to pursue her heart without remorse or guilt. Does that make any sense?

Honestly? No. She's a drug addict right now, searching for her next hit from OM. Shes going to do what shes going to do.

Look, you can want whats best for her. I want my XW to be happy too. She's the mother of my children.

But that doesnt mean that I agree with her choices. That doesnt mean that I dont want her to feel any guilt for breaking up my family.

I have not given up hope that I will be with my wife in the future. After learning of the affair, I feel like I have even more hope. Does any of this make sense or am I crazy?

Meh. Affair or no, waywardness is waywardness. Im not sure that the presence of OM really matters a ton either way. In general, it's doomed to failure anyway.

But even if she breaks up with OM, doesnt mean she will come running back to you. Thats where the other stuff comes in. The work you are doing on YOU.

[shreeve]

This is really good insight, thank you. I am early in the process, and still have to deal with these things in the (hopefully) near future.

I am not really telling her I'm happy for her, I did make it clear that it is her decision and not mine. I re-iterated that I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage, but I am only 1/2 of the marriage and cannot make the decision to try and save it for both of us. Yes, 2700+ text messages in one month does seem like an addiction, and she has had addiction issues in the past. She actually met this man in AA before we were married. Your insight does let me know that she may need an intervention of sorts, but such an intervention could not be from me as I am currently viewed in a very negative light.

I do agree that happiness come from within, she is seeking it in others. I do hope she learns that love is hard work, and happiness in from within. I definitely do not agree with her choice, and I personally do not believe it is the right choice. But the choice is not mine, and I can offer love / compassion / support or nothing or the opposite. I chose the first.

I do continue to improve myself regardless of the outcome, and can see a bright future for myself. I do want to be able to look back on this devastating event in my life, and know that I handled it with love and honor.

I really do appreciate your thoughts on this, it really gives me a lot to think about.

[Azzork]

I can offer love / compassion / support or nothing or the opposite. I chose the first.

Have you read the Lighthouse Story?

The way I see it, you can choose to stand and shine brightly indicating the way home. But a lighthouse shines whether the ship sees it or not. And a lighthouse does not push or pull the boats, just stands strong and shining.

You should give it a read.

I dont think you should be offering love or compassion. But I think "nothing" isnt right either. Its more like love from a distance. Not exactly offering it to her, per se.

[shreeve]

I'll check out that story. She just called me crying, she received and read some letters I wrote prior to having all of the information. Thanks again for the input.

[Cristy]

Hello Shreeve,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You can certainly handle things with love an honor, but I would suggest detaching at the same time. Be the best Shreeve that only a fool would leave, without pursuing.

It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004