Main issues in your eyes are porn, possible EA/PA and lousy treatment AND he says he's miserable and isn't sure he wants to be married. Are there any other issues from your standpoint?
-those are enough. Again he's always had depression and control/anger issues. Always. And his complaint has always been that I haven't been a good enough wife - don't listen, am not submissive enough, don't do things *exactly* as he wants them/consistently. Those are the main ones.
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PREDICTING HIS reaction is a useless path. You're not a fortune teller but even if you were, you just attached your expectation of HIS reaction to how you will behave.
NOT a good dynamic.
Detaching stops that dynamic.
-it's predictable because Been there done that. Daily. Rinse. Repeat.
Quote:
[color:#3333FF] Here is a plan I gave to someone here, and they said it helped them, so maybe it'll help you.
Having a PLAN means you need a GOAL, and a plan to achieve that goal. But the goal cannot be to reconcile with your h, for now.
The goal FOR NOW must be exclusively about your own growth as a woman. Become a wife only a fool would leave. Becoming the best woman you can become. DEFINE that in specific terms you understand.
Get some "mantras" or inspiring quotes for yourself, and SAY them out loud to yourself several times a day.
Watch the TED TAlk videos about positive psychology and the real data they present about how WE can change our lives from the inside...(Amy Cuddy and Sean Achor were the speakers and each is about 20 min. Easy to listen to them and potentially life changing).
Turn your marriage over to God, to free yourself to just work on YOU.
Behave in healthy confident ways and eventually, you will FEEL healthier and more confident. In TIME, your life will improve.
The improved life you create for yourself must and will be enough for you.
What your h does or believes about the new wonderful you, is far beyond your control. Any efforts on your end to affect HIS perceptions/reactions, are for nothing. They are wasted energy.
That energy (the energy spent on worrying about Him OR in trying to convince him of anything about you) is a waste of energy.
Spend ALL of your energy on becoming the best woman & mother you can become. The reality of who you become, will suffice. It MUST suffice.
If he believes you are a purple lesbian dinosaur from Mars, you may not be able to change that belief but you cannot let it change the reality that you are a woman with great qualities. His beliefs will NOT be based on reality, his "data" about you will be false.
That fact, that you become a better woman and wife (for someone) has to be enough for you. Because it is real. He wil notice it and he will SAY he doubts it.
Maybe that's b/c before now, it wouldn't have been a "Change", it would have been a "tactic" to get him back. But the past, passed. It's not longer real. You are becoming a woman only a fool would leave, NOT to win him back but b/c you want to self actualize. You're a believer (as am I). This self actualization and becoming our best selves is God's will, don't you think?
I hear you and have been working that for a long time now. As far as "becoming our best selves"... well, only Jesus Christ does that, but that's a different discussion. :-)
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
