Ok … so many “Thank You’s” …. I have over the past few days read all your replies more than once … as with most my posts this too will not be short, I often laugh thinking if any newbie decided to read my threads from start to finish their MLCr is most likely waiting for them outside the tunnel by the time they would finish … ok it’s funny to me anyways. I am going to break this up in 2 posts just for simplicity as I feel obligated to at least reply to those of you who have been so kind and supporting throughout this, I am at work so I have no access to the site so I type this all out via email .. copy and paste it here from my phone.
I have dug in a bit, researched and read/researched and read some more, and I continue to read in the specific area I have found myself in which is, she darted back into withdrawal due to the serious amount of guilt she is beginning to feel from her replay behavior. … I really do see where I am right now (has nothing to do with me really), and where W is as far as I can tell(She is still in crisis and became stuck for a bit, but there has recently been movement hence the recent issues). And as job and others have touched on .. I am currently trying to quiet myself and await for an answer as to be bluntly honest I have found myself at a crossroad between moving out, or seeing if W can surge forward rather than backwards… still to be determined. (Update next post)
So to address those who I missed, ….without the copy function
Fogg: Yes, this is not easy and over the past week I have found some very helpful resources and just knowing this too has been script for many has been helpful, does not make it any easier. I do hope by me posting about this portion it will help others, let them know sometimes it is OK to push, because what I have realized is this is MY M too, I will have to be happy in this, I could very well just ride along and be thankful my family is under one roof … but I deserve better, I will not settle just for a M, I already made that mistake before BD, the next M has to be better after all the work, otherwise what was all this for?
Sotto: Thank you. I have learned for some .. what my wife is currently doing/has done is not all uncommon, and yeah she has not had much to offer, I came to terms with this a few months ago and approached that as just ‘being’ .. enjoying the time and removing the pressure which was good thinking no pressure from me would help the reconnection (I think it did with S and the dog… but we all know the spouse is the last they reconnect with), but at the same time made things a bit to ‘cozy’ and W was no longer dealing with the issues and no longer doing the work …. She had all she ‘needed’ the comfort of ‘family’ and me at arms distance.
Bttrfly: Is this over? … no. It will never be over in the fact that her and I share a S, at some level I will always have her in my life as my S will always be in my life, the question is at what capacity will she be involved with me as that is my choice/decision at the moment. Truth be told as FY hit on it … I do sense she does not want me out of her life, throughout all this she has been the Clinging Boomerang, never allowing me far even in the heat of her A with OM she would not let go … texting at all times of the night as to be screaming out for help, using every manipulation she could dream of, the future of our M may hinge on this very thing as she is close to having to make a choice … this very well could be a defining moment for myself, her and our M. Or .. (I laugh as I type this) … could smply just be another step towards where ever this ends up, the MLC journey is a long one .. but I am learning the LBS journey is even longer … we actually get to remember every tree/bridge/house we pass.
FY: My friend…. Sometimes I shake my head, you are probably the most kind/gentle loving soul I have seen and when your W awakens and realizes what a man she has … I would love to see her face. I did not really think about a few things you pointed out … the part about her still caring, I guess she says she “Cares for me and loves me” I take that with a grain of salt like I have been ‘friendzoned” … I know better than the “Ahole-zone” but not where I care to be. The other part of your post that perked my ears was No one can match what we have to offer, I understand that and feel this to be true … I just hope her pride and stubbornness does not get in the way for her because things are close for me, I will be ok regardless … deep down I really would prefer this to be with W, but again .. not in my control.
Ginger: Thanks for stopping by, I think one of the many thing I learned in all this was one of the mistakes I made in the old M was not voicing my needs … I was a fixer/pleaser .. maybe I still am to a point as with all things it’s a process (That whole leopard/spots overnight thing), I catch myself ‘fixing’ from time to time, part of that is my fault, other times being with a master manipulator I do not realize it till after the fact and have a “Doh” moment.
M: We seem to have walked this crap road together for how many miles? Sitches are different but for some reason we usually cycle our emotions pretty closely at times, I have read that there are LBS stages just as there are MLC stages … seems we are both about on par for the course. As far as the process being harder living with them … this may shock many but I do not think there is a difference and I will explain why. If you asked me that a few months ago I would have said “Heavens yeah it is” but look at the sitch .. what changed? W is still in crisis just as she was when we were separated, the only thing that changed honestly was me, and with that my detachment and my expectations. (For those reading … when/if you get there .. Reconnection/Reconciliation is a very very tricky area for us as its hard not to look a t a new M with detachment and expectations but one must realize with the MLCr they need to see certain things before you truly are reconciling .. remain detached and no expectations during the reconnection) I arrived to a point when we went to Retroavialle she was coming out and I mistakenly thought .. ok this is it, we will reconnect/reconcile and things will start getting better …. Things did not play out as I thought in my head, I believed I would see remorse for the damage caused .. never did. Was more of a “I said I am sorry .. lets move on” kind of approach …. She was still in crisis and I seen the bright shiny lure and forgot this for a bit. From what I have learned, she still has issues … but she realized at some point last year I was about to be gone and she was not ready/willing to lose me so she woke up a bit, possibly prematurely … once she felt safe she reverted back into Withdrawal and was still reconnecting with S and the dog as crazy as that sounds … I however have been put on hold. She needs to face her issues, the ones that she has yet to deal with but along with that I have seen a tremendous amount of guilt come up, I see it in the spew, I am able to understand she is back to projecting her guilt and anger towards me in an attempt to deal with her own stuff .. the MLCr way .. not owning it and blaming those around them.
Job: You have seen enough I would imagine you could write a book or four on this stuff … I understand no two sitches are the same, different varibles .. but also see so many similarities. I have read back a bit of my own sitch and outside looking in yes, reconciling with a MLCr prior to them baking will create more heartache and frustration .. but honestly I do not think we are there, we are hardly even reconnecting and my gut tells me she is holding back as the first and second waves of guilt have landed on her shores. This has set her back, unfortunately I am not under the same roof and she has lost that solitary area where she would at the least be stuck with herself and have to process through things. So yeah … me being there has removed her from dealing with her issues and she has cranked up the rollercoaster once again. I also believe you are right in me separating from her once again, I have been leaning that direction as I feel as good as it would be for me personally and for S … W also needs this, she really needs to be left at her own devices to deal with her issues, with me serving as her training wheels she is never going to learn to ride her bike on her own, I have known this deep in my heart. Its possible this could be done with me detaching and remaining home (Learning as I go) … but I am really uncertain of this at the moment … there has been a ton of movement over the past few days … again .. I give this to Him and pray he guides me, as He has done so throughout all this. However .. me moving out very well may be the final push she needs … I also feel in my gut that I have to push her here, hold my ground and if it means I lose her that’s ok, I have not lost a woman who is committed to me nor our M, I lost her years ago and I know I will be more than OK without her.
Lou: Thank you for stopping in and your words. As far as the update … many people reply “Sorry/Sad to hear” … As strange as it is .. only posting the good stuff would be of no service I feel, I think its paramount to post the bad with the good as its real, it would be misleading to have anyone come on and believe its all daiseys and rainbows and even after a MLCr seems to want to come back to the M its still hard, piecing is difficult but even harder in MLCville as there is still baking that needs to be done and my sitch I pray will assist someone else to keep that in mind, the crisis is far from over and the baking continues. You are spot on with that assessment, not that I felt she was done … but was mislead a bit when she put her issues in a box and up on a shelf just as I did …. Then those boxes started making noise and required her to begin dealing with them, I think this would have happened regardless if I moved in or not .. but I do honestly feel they sat on the shelf longer than they would have. Again … moving back in at the time I did was a mistake, one I have made but have learned so have others in my position … I trust it was for a reason, if nothing more than for W to realize what I bring to the table, what I have to offer, what it is from me she may possibly want in her new M, regardless if that is with me or another ….. I do pity if it is someone new as he has quite a bar to live upto, he will never be the man, father or husband I am … heck I am not even close to becoming the best in those areas yet as I strive to become better every single day.
Irish: I read your sitch early on, I have not caught up on you as of late as I have been really digging in doing some serious homework. But early on I did not really feel I could lend much as yes … you have a vanisher, mine is more of the CB type, approaches I think are similar but the vanishers absolutely in my opinion have it harder as you cannot even see where the MLCr is as far as the stages, like tracking a hurricane from the Rocky Mountains. As far as the OM2 thing … he was a friend prior to the crisis, a work college she kept in contact with … and yes, I agree not being transparent and deleting this was one of the red flags for me she is not done baking, still being selfish. I equated it to … what if I cheated, would I even risk such things like this that would cost me my M and family, no one would if they decided they really wanted to fix what they have done … w is not there yet, like a child she continues to do what she wants and test the boundaries. So yes, I have arrived at that place where I am very close to moving back out, letting her go about her journey, this is not saying I am filing for divorce just yet … I do suspect her to react as she did somewhat over the weekend (I hope to update soon .. just wanted to at the least reply to you all first)
As I said .. update hopefully soon … I have to run and get some work done but wanted to at the least respond, you all and your support does make this crazy train a touch smoother … My thank you and my wishes you all find your way out of this chaos follows.
