WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[npmyst]

Trumpet,
First, congratulations on getting to this point. Second, I want to say that I am no expert but I have READ A TON on here for the past 2 years; I hope to achieve your levels of success in the future as my situation may be turning around as we speak (similar timeframes). I hope the other Vets can chime in on here as well as I am not familiar with your entire situation and as I read your post, I see a lot of RED flags out here and I’d love to just say, SLOW DOWN!!!! And please don’t take anything personally; I have nothing but respect for anyone here trying to save their marriage.

“I do want action - to see action. Am I impatient? Probably, and I need to just take one step forward - little steps.

However, I need reassurance that what she's saying just isn't lip service.”

I’ve heard it over and over again. You didn’t get to this point over night, you cant expect it to get better overnight, let alone a weekend. Patience. Slow down. Get you confidence back. Your wife has chosen to be with you and try and make this work. Learn to believe in yourself. And you need reassurance??? Honestly, getting to this point in DBing, I would have hope you understood that reassurance is neediness and is in no way ATTRACTIVE to your wife. Back off and let her pursue you…I don’t want to see it go the other way because of too much pressure from your end.

“I can stop pursuit - and like before, she's likely to think something is up, that I don't want to be a part of the relationship. But I DO - it's just that we have to change this pursuit/distancer relationship, and my wife has to realize things are very different now - a couple comments last night and this morning all point to my wife wanting to go back to the old, without having to put work into it.”

Trust me; you are still here after everything. She KNOWS you want to be part of this relationship. You have taken actions. Stop speaking and assuming her thoughts; continue to let your actions speak for you and continue working on yourself.

“I'm beginning to realize that all those relationships were a pre-curser to what I'm dealing with now. My wife needs to find the skills necessary to build a lasting relationship. So do I, of course, but after almost 3 months, and now thousands of dollars later in counseling, I see things pretty clear, and my wife just notices when I stop pursuing, and when I start pursuing, is back to distancing herself.”

As I listen to you write this, I cringe. “My wife needs to….” Give her time. How long did it take you to get to this level of understanding of relationships? It took 15 plus years before you realized you needed work and improvement on your end. Be PATIENT.

“The kisses were nice the other night - but it's like she said "Hey, I gave you something, now chase me, and maybe, just maybe, you'll get more." I've done this dance, and she's never delivered. The affection is on her timetable, and when she feels like it. There is no giving of herself, she's closed and protected, in case the hurt comes back, and then she can say "See, I told you, he's a jerk/abuser/inconsiderate, so my original fears are realized, I'll pull away to “protect myself, and wall my feelings off so I don't get hurt."

Isn’t DBing more of what works and less of what doesn’t? You’ve done this dance before and she continues to never deliver. So what can you do differently this time? “The affection is on her timetable..” I’m still uncertain about your level of understanding of what a WW goes through. You are fresh out of an affair and you seem to have expectations of “normalcy” based on your writing. Its not going to happen that fast and you have to trust the process of allowing her time to grieve her relationship with the OM. She will go through those “what if” moments and it will hurt you to know that she is experiencing them, but you have to understand that its part of the healing process and part of the cycle in order to get to full reconciliation. Be the bigger person here and stop making it all about you and your needs right now. Keep yourself occupied so that you don’t look for her to fill all of your needs; right now, she will not even come close and you are going to set yourself up for failure because you are mentally creating expectations in your mind already and those expectations are clearly not being met…

“I know I need to focus on myself - This self-actualization might take her a while. Do I live without what I need in the relationship for that long?”

Again, I cringe reading this. I believe you know the answer to this already. You wouldn’t be here typing if you weren’t willing to live in the relationship for that long without what it is you need. Marriage is the ultimate selflessness commitment. Get in that mindset and stop being “selfish”. How long was your wife in this relationship without her getting what she needed??? The Waywardness choices are on her without a doubt, but you have to change your mindset…

“I'm committed to my marriage and my wife, and I have forgiven her. Again, every day I need to forgive her. But I ran back to the woman I love, just to realize she doesn't have the skills needed to emotionally keep me in the game.”

After reading this; I am convinced that you still have a long way to go and are nowhere close to where you believe you are in relationships, validation, empathy, compassion, and understanding. Do you understand the meaning of forgiveness and what it actually consists of? If so, whats the need to forgive her every day? That’s exactly the opposite of forgiveness because that means every day, you wake up and hold her actions against her and then have to forgive her again. That is the opposite of what needs to happen for a fully restored M.

“Asking her to find those emotions, those skills, isn't going to be taken very well. I can't fix my wife - never could, although I tried. She's always nagged to try to fix me. A counselor would make headway, a trusted friend could help, but right now, all her trusted friends were the ones to tell her to dump me and move on.”

Everything you wrote right there would be considering pursuing. I believe the consensus from everyone here is to stop the pursuing, even at the stage you are at.

“How to bring a WW to see what the truth is. I'm not asking her to feel and see the away I view our relationship - she's got her own set of eyes. How to get her to grow. How to tell her what I need, but her not seeing it as a cut on her, but me wanting more of her.”

YOUR ENTIRE MINDSET HERE IS WRONG. How do I get her to do this? How do I get her to do that? All WRONG. You are not crossing the line into controlling her and nothing positive will come with that mindset. What did it take for you to be honest with yourself, self-reflect, and then take action to make you a better man? Self-realization is the only thing that will get her there for the changes to stick. It was the same with you, and it will be the same with her. Understand that and learn to let go of the outcome for right now.

“I hear some of you telling me to work on GAL'ing more. Just trying to find a balance between GAL'ing while trying to repair the marriage with a wife who, to me, is half-trying.”

I can’t help to say this again, but you have a lot to learn still. Your perception is that your wife is half trying. How accurate is that? You are assuming that she is half trying because she’s not doing what you are doing. Don’t you understand that she is not where you are at mentally and emotionally? I thought you knew that she has emotionally divorced you years before she chose her Waywardness…Don’t make saving your M your entire world. You will smother her and yourself. Understand this is a slow process and be patient with her; no pressure for her. You have everything you need right now. She chose you and wanted to work on the marriage; enjoy that moment and be grateful for that.
I’d also advise you to real ALL of Sandi2’s threads on the WW (6 threads). You will have a better understanding of what you are dealing with. This will take 2 plus years to get back on track…patience is your new best friend. The more you push because you aren’t getting your needs met, the more you pressure her into not being enough and reinforce her decision of Waywardness. Back off, GAL, and enjoy the moments with her and your family. Stop worrying about the outside negative influences. Be supportive of her and continue to learn more about empathy and validation. I’m proud of where you are at and hopefully, I will be there soon.