Thank you Cycler, thank you so much. I have been focussing so much on H that I forget how far I've come through this whole thing and that yes, gosh darn it, I am a great person!
I'm screaming because my hair is getting snarled!!! Reminds me of when my H had is bass boat that went 60 miles an hour. When I'd ride it in, I'd have my head down low and scream the whole time!! Nothing like a scenic ride on the lake doing 60 miles an hour
Quote: Just keep your focus on you and not on him.....because you would never be able to figure out from moment to moment what is in his head...even if all was well between you....you would never know every thought in his head...so don't try.
A lot of the things he is doing now were things he did when we WERE getting along..he's so complicated and makes HIS life so difficult.
I do need to focus on myself, my life. I do have a life, but I need to quit worrying about what H is going to do if I'm out living my life. In the back of my mind is the fear of OW coming back, need to stomp it out, as she is nothing compared to me...oh yeahhh I am feeling good today.
I think we're in the same boat!! Let's slow this ride down a notch. We both need to concentrate on ourselves. so, how 'bout I whack you and you whack me if we start to focus too much on them?? Deal?!! It may keep both of us on track!
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
GOt my new high speed connection and it is great! I can surf the BB so much more quickly!
You know, your H is getting back at you for working those nights last week. He's throwing a hissy fit - the big BABY! LOL!
If you think this is hard on you, imagine his poor brain! He doesn't know which end is up!
I am glad that you are out golfing - love this weather don't you? I have been at the computer all day entering our tax donation info into ItsDeductible. Then my H will be able to finish our taxes - just in time. He came over to do them last night - and he did it as married filed jointly.
Who knows what is in the brains of these men of ours. I just hope it's not contagious.
Give a big hug to your S4 and enjoy your day tomorrow! It is supposed to be in the 70s here!
Hang in there - you ROCK!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
No idea if this will help but when I start ASSuming CHL is with the S* I ask myself whether he is or he isn't, what does it change in my life and my actions? But by ASSuming he IS with her causes me lots of pain and may not even be true!
In your case the answer might be different than mine, but mine is at this point it doesn't matter. I can't control him and I'm only upsetting me and my actions should be no different at this point whether he is or isn't with her because at this point I still would like for him to come home.
This is rambling and I hope made some sense.
All that said {{{{{{{{{{{{Cathy}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Gut instincts are usually on target. Don't focus on where he was.
You can't change it. You can set boundaries. Maybe you need to start thinking about what boundaries you need to set. Obviously his drinking is a really big issue. Have you talked with anyone about this?
What does Cathy need to be happy and not focus on H? Are you better off with him at home? How long can you handle his disappearring acts? Do you think the fact that he comes and goes as he pleases is helping or hindering you?
I can honestly say that right now, with my H, I am at peace when not living with him. When I am at his place, I am always waiting for the "other shoe " to drop.
Think about what Cathy needs, focus on you!!!!!
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
The big dumb goon called this morning and asked for our S. I said he wasn’t up yet. H wanted to know why he wasn’t up and wasn’t I supposed to be to work at 7:00 am…it was 6:50. I just kind of laughed and said, yeah two years ago. I’ve been starting at 7:30 for at least the last year, officially that is.
So I asked him where he was last night. He said “do we have to talk about that now” and we don’t talk anyways. I just laughed at that line, it’s beginning to sound like a pick up line, because it is not true.
I questioned him then. Asked him if he was OW’s. He said yes. I said were you drinking last night, H said yeah. I said did you invite her to the bar? H said no. I said how did she know you were there? He said she drives around until she finds his truck, how pathetic is that. I said did she give you a ride to her house. He said no, he drove himself.
Then he went into his I’m not happy, I’m not trying, blah, blah, routine. I told him he got himself into the mess and he has to get himself out of his mess. That he makes his own choices. I then went into my blah, blah, you’re a good person, I think you are trying routine and I notice some small changes and that I hoped he could see he was a good person. H wanted to know what he was doing that made me think he was trying—I HAD to tell him what they were as he has no clue that HE is trying. (How come I can see that he’s trying and he can’t?) H then said “what do you two have the same script?” Why do I even bother talking to him.
I said are you going to come home tonight? H said “probably not” in his poor me, I’m not wanted there, voice. Whatever.
He still doesn’t think he has a drinking problem. He said he just drinks to drinks and if he wanted to he could quit drinking..forever. That an alcoholic drinks every day. I said no they drink till they’re drunk. He then said that he went all last week without drinking, while “you were working.” I said yeah but then Friday night you couldn’t wait to get to the bar. H said “he deserved it” wtf. I told him he was looking for answers in the bottom of his beer glass.
He asked me if I was planning on golfing with my friend on Saturday. I said yes if it doesn’t rain. H then said he was going to have son with him, so I didn’t need to worry about that.
IMHO—H called this morning to check-in with me, to see how I was, to see if he had finally pushed me over the edge. H didn’t call to talk to our S, he called to talk to me whether he admitted to himself or me or not, I KNOW that’s why he called. AND he did want to talk even though his words said he didn’t. Him saying he wasn’t coming home tonight was also a test, to see if I WANTED him home!
We get close and they H gets scared and runs. Right now the pattern is every few weeks, after he’s been drinking he runs to OW. I also told him that if he feels because he goes to her after he’s drinking means he wants to be with here, then why does he get into fights with his friends, drive drunk without caring about anyone else, and verbally abuse his son? Then why doesn’t he quit drinking and find out how he really feels..
I felt like I was talking to my teenage son this morning. I am not his mother, yet why do I feel like that?
Thank you for the hug. I don't feel that bad though, I feel good actually.
And last night, I did sleep pretty good. Woke up a few times, but briefly and was able to fall back asleep which is major, and I didn't focus on H or where he was and it worked. Sleeping has always been a big problem for me, anxiety, run-away thinking time, but I am getting so much better. Once I am able to sleep the whole night through when H pulls something like this will be major.
H's coming and going, been living with it for years. But, now there's an OW which there wasn't to my knowledge in the past. He'd just came home drunk and mad. So in a way it's a blessing in disguise that he doesn't come home drunk or maybe deep down he knows this himself and is trying to spare me and S his ugliness. I just don't know.
I want H to stay at home. But, to be honest last summer when he wasn't living with us--I had the best summer ever!!! I could come and go as I pleased and I want this summer to be just as great...hopefully with H..but if not too bad for him...I'm doing things. I could always make childcare arrangements, that was never a problem, now H trys to make it so hard "what are you doing to do with S?" or "I'm not watching S" and I say okay, I can find someone that's not a problem...it's a button pusher becuase in the end H will spend time with our S.
I just finished reading your sitch. You have P A T I E N C E down pat with all your H's antics. I have to commend you for putting up with an MLCer in the last three months and you have not strangled him yet. It really is a roller coaster ride for them. It is only by Grace of God that you have lasted this long. Hopefully, your H will hit bottom soon so he can move on to facing his issues. OW is just a bandaid...she will not be there for long. I don't know if I can do what you have done. I will cross that bridge when I get there.
Ask your H for his share of the bills in the house. If he makes more money than you, then prorate the cost and split it to that percentage. Doesn't matter if he likes it or not. Just tell him that this household is not a free board and lodging place. Everybody has to contribute.
One thing my H and I never fought about was money. We pooled our resources together and draw all expenses from the account. I am not a big spender and neither does he. When we split up, we also split up the cash on hand in the account. Now, I don't need to remind him to pay CS. He sends it a month early. But he is not home. Your H is. I don't know which is better. For them to be gone while they go through the process or be home.
If I remember HB's MLC recipe, it requires silence from the spouse while they go through the tunnel, into depression, and withdrawal and not to bother them at all if possible. So Cathy, just work on you and S4, be happy even if your H is being a butt about it some days, and some days he seemed to be decent.
Reminds me of when my H had is bass boat that went 60 miles an hour. When I'd ride it in, I'd have my head down low and scream the whole time!! 
Nothing like a scenic ride on the lake doing 60 miles an hour 
