WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[trumpet]

Trust none of what she says, and only have of what she does.

Those words I need to continue to remember.

I do want action - to see action. Am I impatient? Probably, and I need to just take one step forward - little steps.

However, I need reassurance that what she's saying just isn't lip service.

I can stop pursuit - and like before, she's likely to think something is up, that I don't want to be a part of the relationship. But I DO - it's just that we have to change this pursuit/distancer relationship, and my wife has to realize things are very different now - a couple comments last night and this morning all point to my wife wanting to go back to the old, without having to put work into it.

Relationships should be easy to her. She kept telling me in college, when we were friends, that all her boyfriends got boring after 3 months, so she'd dump them. Literally had a dozen serious boyfriends before I came along. Did each one pursue her, and then stopped once they had a relationship? Did she love the infatuation stage of love, but then tired of the work?

I'm beginning to realize that all those relationships were a pre-curser to what I'm dealing with now. My wife needs to find the skills necessary to build a lasting relationship. So do I, of course, but after almost 3 months, and now thousands of dollars later in counseling, I see things pretty clear, and my wife just notices when I stop pursuing, and when I start pursuing, is back to distancing herself.

The kisses were nice the other night - but it's like she said "Hey, I gave you something, now chase me, and maybe, just maybe, you'll get more." I've done this dance, and she's never delivered. The affection is on her timetable, and when she feels like it. There is no giving of herself, she's closed and protected, in case the hurt comes back, and then she can say "See, I told you, he's a jerk/abuser/inconsiderate, so my original fears are realized, I'll pull away to protect myself, and wall my feelings off so I don't get hurt."

I know I need to focus on myself - This self-actualization might take her a while. Do I live without what I need in the relationship for that long?

I'm committed to my marriage and my wife, and I have forgiven her. Again, every day I need to forgive her. But I ran back to the woman I love, just to realize she doesn't have the skills needed to emotionally keep me in the game.

Asking her to find those emotions, those skills, isn't going to be taken very well. I can't fix my wife - never could, although I tried. She's always nagged to try to fix me. A counselor would make headway, a trusted friend could help, but right now, all her trusted friends were the ones to tell her to dump me and move on.

How to bring a WW to see what the truth is. I'm not asking her to feel and see the away I view our relationship - she's got her own set of eyes. How to get her to grow. How to tell her what I need, but her not seeing it as a cut on her, but me wanting more of her.

I hear some of you telling me to work on GAL'ing more. Just trying to find a balance between GAL'ing while trying to repair the marriage with a wife who, to me, is half-trying.