WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I think you pursue IF and ONLY IF she has taken the first step to recovery which is NO CONTACT with OM.

In your situation both you AND definitely your wife feel your porn problems are pretty much equal to adultery. In such situations in particular, I think a betrayed husband needs to pursue even more and even harder. See how she reacted when you grabbed her into your arms and kissed her passionately. She melted.

This isn't YOU competing with or against OM. OM was a surrogate or poor substitute for what you wife always wanted and wished for from you. If you swoop your wife off her feet she's not gonna care one bit about OM (after withdrawal).

I'm not a fan of saying you want to recover your marriage and then taking trips by yourself (when both you and your struggling wayward are struggling). Take the road trip together. Get some marriage material on CD (something other than WMD so you don't lead her back her to your support group)....and listen to the material in the car. Pause and discuss. The longer the trip the better - as your wife is going through withdrawal and needs all the support and accountability she can get as she white knuckles her way through wondering what OM is doing, thinking and saying.

No Contact is the primary objective. There is just so much pressure and anxiety for your wife to try to continue the relationship as friends or have risky "closure contact" that this is a very difficult objective to achieve. IF she has closure contact you want her to tell you about it immediately. IF OM calls or seeks her out in public she needs to know what is expected of her (don't say anything because it's easier to explain than trying to recall a conversation that you simply won't believe and call you immediately).

You should be instructing her that a "no contact" letter is mandatory as an outward verifiable indication (ACTION) that she is genuinely "choosing you".

If she refuses - then you back off - stop pursuing - let her pursue you (she'll ask why you are backing off and you'll simply come back to "recovery can't begin until 'no contact' so though you still appreciate her delaying, her "choosing you" really isn't believable until she ends it with him OFFICIALLY. A no contact letter and letting you help her be accountable is the first step. Other than that it's just words.