Kyrie, it is a hard concept to get. For a while I thought I was "dropping the rope" but what I was really doing was detaching and withdrawing. I'd feel better, but I'd be more avoiding H, and then I'd get pulled back in. Which is normal. Finally something just clicked and I realized that I had to drop the rope while at the same time still loving H. Dropping the rope does not mean avoiding him. It means not letting your emotions be tethered to his. You are still acting in a loving way, but you are happy and content and "ok" whether he is having a bad day or a great day. You own your own emotions.
When your child is having a 2 year old temper tantrum, does it ruin your whole day? Do you get on the floor and cry with the 2 year old, or do you make sure she is in a safe place, and stand by and let her work it out? If you hear something in her crying that is "real", like for example maybe she needs a snack or a band aid or something that you can provide that is a real need, then you step in and provide, but if she is crying because she a 2 year old and feeling intense emotions and needs to just let it out, you let her at it and you don't make it about you, right? Then when she is done, you give her a hug and continue with your day, right? That is dropping the rope. You are still loving, you are still aware of what the child needs and willing to provide for genuine needs, but you are not participating in the tantrum. I do not mean to imply that your H is a 2 year old, I do not mean to judge him. Its just an analogy.
You can be very loving AND non -reactive. I am sure you do it with your children. It can be done. You can play "10" cards and not get anything in return and still be ok emotionally, non-reactive and taking care of your own emotional state.
