First time poster here Might be a bit of a long story. Mt wife told me she wanted a divorce on Christmas day. She felt very bad / guilty about it, but had made the decision and would not consider counseling / working on the marriage. She had gone through an emotional detachment of sorts before gaining the courage to tell me.
We were married 10.5 years, and have been together for ~15 years. I helped put her through nursing school, and most recently CRNA school. She passed her state board exam 12/22/15 (great timing, I know). She gave the reasons - not in love with you anymore, and just not happy in the marriage. Although I was a bit shocked, I didn't have much of an emotional or angry response. I did suspect I was not being told the "whole truth", and probably did inquire with several questions.
This did kick-start a great weight loss program for me. No sleeping or eating for the first few days. I still have to take sleeping pills now, and usually get around 5-7 hours of sleep each night. I am eating three times a day. I received DR Sunday, and read the entire book - couldn't put it down. I have never been unfaithful, never harmed in any way, never raised my voice with my wife. We have accomplished amazing things together.
Yesterday, I finally got my wife to admit that she was in love with another man. It did ironically take a lot of tightness / pain from my chest. Before he admittance, I was tormented with wandering thoughts and constant pain. Knowing the truth helped me a lot. I did turn to spiritual health and have had a great deal of support and guidance. My love for my wife has not diminished in any way, and I still have a strong hope that I will be with her again. When she did admit to the love affair, I told her that I support her, and that I want her to be happy and pursue what is in her heart. The depth of my love for her will not allow me to do anything but show her love and compassion. I do want her to be happy.
I had been doing most of the things in the book (both what I should and should not do). It has been a great help. I was so happy that I came to these forums, I was lucky enough to see some situations similar to mine, and many with successful endings. I would love the opportunity to gain wisdom / suggestions from others here, and would love to answer any questions as well.
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for these additional tools. I have read the book and continue to reference it daily (infidelity part daily).
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
When she did admit to the love affair, I told her that I support her, and that I want her to be happy and pursue what is in her heart. The depth of my love for her will not allow me to do anything but show her love and compassion. I do want her to be happy.
Hope it doesn't sound preachy, but I've become spiritually strong over the past two weeks. I know it's very early in the process, but I feel like I've been given an ability to love my wife even more. I initially got rid of a lot of junk around the house, emptied every room and cleaned / organized to have peaceful surroundings. I still have a bit to finish, and entire house can be overwhelming to clean / maintain for one person. She is giving me the house, so I am making efforts to make it beautiful. I have been exercising daily and am losing a lot of weight.
What's next for me is more spiritual growth and continued improvement. There is no possible outcome to my situation that is not positive. My wife still calls daily, and did ask about how I was feeling about the news of her love for another. I told her I want her to follow her heart and that she has my blessing.
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
What's next for me is more spiritual growth and continued improvement.
Thats good. Have you laid these out concretely? Will you be regularly measuring your progress?
Yes, I definitely wrote my goals when reading through the book and have a very comfortable schedule that I follow. I am measuring (and seeing) a lot of progress in only 2.5 weeks.
Originally Posted By: shreeve
I told her I want her to follow her heart and that she has my blessing.
Look, theres a difference between letting her live her life and being a doormat. Youre giving her your "blessing" to go be with another man? Why?
Good question, and those I confide in have been somewhat surprised with my response. There a[/quote]re several reasons I responded this way. For one, I feel my wife may have "saved" me with her decision. I have found an even deeper love for her, that does not give me any feelings of anger or jealousy about her affair. 2. I found the phone records that gave me an idea of how strong her passion and love are for the other man. There were 2700+ text messages in the month of December alone. I have been a part of that type of passion for someone in the past (my wife for one) and understand how strong the desire is. It is something that cannot be stopped, and will continue to progress with or without my blessing. I do not want my wife to have feelings of shame or guilt, and I do not want her to have to hide her affair / feelings from me. That may sound a lot like a doormat to many, but I do want my wife to follow her heart and I do want her to be happy. Maybe this other man IS the one who will make her happy. If so, I want her happiness. That is not to say that I do not want to save my marriage, but I do want her to pursue her heart without remorse or guilt. Does that make any sense?
The affair started to root at the end of October. I have read in the infidelity section that this might be a long ride, as I feel her affair is also part of a mid-life crisis. She just graduated from school and is about to start her new career when her licensing comes though. I am impressed by her new found independence (I took care of everything when she was in school for 2.5 years, she did not have to work or worry).
I have not given up hope that I will be with my wife in the future. After learning of the affair, I feel like I have even more hope. Does any of this make sense or am I crazy?
Quote:
Its good to understand that you cant control her. But its another thing to be happy for her.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/12/1612:27 PM. Reason: fix quote
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
I will do that Thanks for the advice. I am a sponge for knowledge on this forum!!! It is great!
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
Not sure why this came out with scroll bar, re-posting Originally Posted By: shreeve What's next for me is more spiritual growth and continued improvement.
Thats good. Have you laid these out concretely? Will you be regularly measuring your progress?
Yes, I definitely wrote my goals when reading through the book and have a very comfortable schedule that I follow. I am measuring (and seeing) a lot of progress in only 2.5 weeks.
Originally Posted By: shreeve I told her I want her to follow her heart and that she has my blessing.
Look, theres a difference between letting her live her life and being a doormat. Youre giving her your "blessing" to go be with another man? Why?
Good question, and those I confide in have been somewhat surprised with my response. There are several reasons I responded this way. For one, I feel my wife may have "saved" me with her decision. I have found an even deeper love for her, that does not give me any feelings of anger or jealousy about her affair. 2. I found the phone records that gave me an idea of how strong her passion and love are for the other man. There were 2700+ text messages in the month of December alone. I have been a part of that type of passion for someone in the past (my wife for one) and understand how strong the desire is. It is something that cannot be stopped, and will continue to progress with or without my blessing. I do not want my wife to have feelings of shame or guilt, and I do not want her to have to hide her affair / feelings from me. That may sound a lot like a doormat to many, but I do want my wife to follow her heart and I do want her to be happy. Maybe this other man IS the one who will make her happy. If so, I want her happiness. That is not to say that I do not want to save my marriage, but I do want her to pursue her heart without remorse or guilt. Does that make any sense?
The affair started to root at the end of October. I have read in the infidelity section that this might be a long ride, as I feel her affair is also part of a mid-life crisis. She just graduated from school and is about to start her new career when her licensing comes though. I am impressed by her new found independence (I took care of everything when she was in school for 2.5 years, she did not have to work or worry).
I have not given up hope that I will be with my wife in the future. After learning of the affair, I feel like I have even more hope. Does any of this make sense or am I crazy?
Its good to understand that you cant control her. But its another thing to be happy for her.
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
Might be a bit of a long story. Mt wife told me she wanted a divorce on Christmas day. She felt very bad / guilty about it, but had made the decision and would not consider counseling / working on the marriage. She had gone through an emotional detachment of sorts before gaining the courage to tell me. 