It sounds like you are doing great. Tidying the house is always a calming and relaxing activity. After W left I was surprised by how much space I had and how easy it was to maintain. Your positive attitude is really encouraging.
I bumped into someone my H is working with at the moment. We had a quick chat. She started off looking worried and sounding very concerned for me.
I soon turned that around though And within minutes she was laughing and joking, telling me how much weight I'd lost, how amazing I looked and that she was really pleased for me.
I'd taken a while to get ready, so I felt pretty confident, and I had been racing along the street, so my heart was pounding a bit and my face was flushed. So that feeling of excitement was totally genuine on my part.
Now, I don't know if she may or may not say anything to my H about bumping into me when she is at work tomorrow, but I reckon she'll say something to someone, and that *that* is what will get round.
I had a nice evening out. Walked home as well.
So, thinking back to this chance encounter yesterday eveninh...one thing I didn't do was ask for information about how my H is. There wasn't the space in the conversation because I was chatting too much about what I'd been up to, lol!
It was totally genuine though, he didn't even cross my mind during that conversation, even though it was with someone my H has done a lot of work with and that's how I know her.
I feel so grateful for this small sign of progress
Focus, this train we're on always seems to hit a few bumps and sometimes it feels like we've fallen off. Usually when it happens to me, it's when my mind convinces me the worst has happened. And often it hasn't. I hope you feel better soon.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I know this sounds bad, but I am kinda happy when you said you felt bad today and you should be to. You hit a small turning point when you realized you had a conversation, but never asked for info on H. You realized it happened naturally and you did not just forget him to play a game.
Every time I take a solid, firm step forward and become a little more detached from H, I go through a small depression period. I dont know why, but if I go through a bout of depression after a step forward, the step "sticks" better and I can move forward more detached. But if I dont feel the pain when I move forward, almost every time I slip back to where I was.
You are doing amazing. Utterly amazing. I cant remember you going crazy on him, backsliding to square one, or feeling completely alone and hopeless. Almost every one of us have done all of the above... regularly
Give yourself full permission to feel ecstatic and completely depressed. Both are great in helping you move forward. Do not allow wallowing for too long, but allow it to visit every once in a while.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Before all of this I had five years of hell with him. Mainly his terrible behaviour (drink, drugs, lack of appropriate boundaries with women). So it's taken a while to get to this point for me.
Today the pain is very, very bad.
It started a couple of days ago when I started clearing out some of his clothes. I found a t-shirt I remember my gran ironing for him and commenting on.
She died two and a half years ago. She died while I was visiting my H as he was working away, and while I was desperately trying to make things better with him.
My mum never told me she had died until I got back home. I never got to go to the funeral.
I found the t-shirt as I was clearing out his drawers and started sobbing. I've not stopped since.
I've kept the t-shirt and tucked it away at the bottom of one of my own drawers. Please don't berate me. It's more about he connection with my gran that with my H now (I didn't get a single photograph of my gran, or single personal item after she died).
My doctor has signed me off work.
I think I'm done working in my H's industry. I just can't bear it any more. The top level of the industry know what's happened and are concerned and upset. Everyone below the top level doesn't know, and because of who he is, they keep asking me what he's working on and how he is. I can't bear it any more.
Focus - the t-shirt? No one will berate you. It came through loudly and clearly it was more about your gran than anything.
It sounds like you never got to properly grieve her passing. That is a shame, because giving yourself time to honor someone you love, and has now departed, is extremely important in coming to terms with your new reality.
Speaking of new reality, you're also grieving the loss of H. Now matter how calm you may seem to be, it still hurts. It is a significant loss that effects every part of your life. How could it not hurt?
Please don't let the fact that we're always telling you how great you're doing put you into a frame of mind that you always have to be doing well. This entire thing? It's a process - a very, very long one. It takes as long as it takes for you to come to terms with it all. Maybe you've been in a bit of shock over the whole thing, which put you into something of a false calm.
From my point of view, it looks like you've been hit simultaneously with the loss of not one, but two people you deeply loved. Of course you're sobbing! Let yourself grieve. You desperately need to. It's all part of working through the feelings. Stuffing them down, moving on before you're ready...those actions cause significant problems later on when they'll pop up out of nowhere if you haven't properly worked through them.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your Gran sounds like someone you dearly loved. She even ironed H's t-shirt! What a wonderful, loving gesture! The fact that no one informed you of her passing, and you missed her funeral? I don't even have words for that. I understand your family was trying to shield you, but they robbed you, in a sense, instead. Sometimes the most well-meaning actions wind up causing harm that was certainly never intended.
Please don't make any decisions about your job while you're in this frame of mind? Now is not the time for decisions. It's the time for remembering, for grieving, for putting people and places where they need to be in your heart and mind. Don't let yourself believe it's not important. It's extremely important. Only by facing your sorrow do you get to the healing stage.
You're ok. Everything will be ok. Give yourself the time you need to deal with all this, okay?
I'll be here, and so will others, when you're ready.
And within minutes she was laughing and joking, telling me how much weight I'd lost, how amazing I looked and that she was really pleased for me. 
