Before all of this I had five years of hell with him. Mainly his terrible behaviour (drink, drugs, lack of appropriate boundaries with women). So it's taken a while to get to this point for me.
Today the pain is very, very bad.
It started a couple of days ago when I started clearing out some of his clothes. I found a t-shirt I remember my gran ironing for him and commenting on.
She died two and a half years ago. She died while I was visiting my H as he was working away, and while I was desperately trying to make things better with him.
My mum never told me she had died until I got back home. I never got to go to the funeral.
I found the t-shirt as I was clearing out his drawers and started sobbing. I've not stopped since.
I've kept the t-shirt and tucked it away at the bottom of one of my own drawers. Please don't berate me. It's more about he connection with my gran that with my H now (I didn't get a single photograph of my gran, or single personal item after she died).
My doctor has signed me off work.
I think I'm done working in my H's industry. I just can't bear it any more. The top level of the industry know what's happened and are concerned and upset. Everyone below the top level doesn't know, and because of who he is, they keep asking me what he's working on and how he is. I can't bear it any more.
