WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[NateG79]

Encouraging words for sure. Each day of NC between me and WW feels like more distance grows, which is probably a good thing. But at the same time I think she may feel I've pushed her away. I guess time will tell.

[Mowgli]

It will take time... Remember that and don't rush!

validate and don't keep track. Don't let her use your past problems against you unless they continue to be issues. Same with you; You can't hold this over her head.

If she's ready to work, she has to show you that. That is where the trust will come from.

Remember, this is a NEW M, not the old one. Stay firm on your personal boundaries and keep doing the things that got you here because they are part of who you are and who you want yourself to become.

It's good to keep her a little at arms length for right now, I think. Let her pursue you for a while. She needs to prove, and you need to see proof that this isn't just words talking.

Just remember, there's things she needs to see from you as well, so when you start feeling loved, you need to be able to make her feel loved, too.

[trumpet]

My counseling session was very good.

I hadn't seen her in a while - going to the addictions counselor, and he was helping the M sitch.

The female counselor really liked what I had discovered in the last couple weeks, about myself and my wife.

She stressed, like you Mowgli, to remain humble, and realize to keep working hard on my side of the street. Never convict the wife - if she is truly sorry, she will show it, and want to work on the relationship. From what I can see, she's convicting herself just fine. When I show compassion, from a place of strength, and she shows it in kind, the trust will grow. She might not be able to right away, and need more proof that trumpet is a changed, and consistent trumpet.

Mowgli, you have been awesome to blog with. I want to thank you so much for putting your time into me. It is sooo appreciated.

If things continue to improve, I'm going to have to call Divorce Busting, and thank MWD for her help. It really was, out of all the advise I got, the way to make rescue my marriage.

[Mowgli]

Trumpet,

YOU were worth putting time into. Look at where you are and how far you've come!

[trumpet]

Feeling a bit deflated today.

Wife is talkative with me, but not about the R... which is fine, however...

She still has not called the divorce lawyer and pulled the filing. She said she's not going to serve, but hasn't made the call.
Also, she still hasn't talked to OM. While she hasn't contacted him in a couple days, she's hesitating to call/email/text him and tell him it's over.
She told me again this morning that I could have access to her phone, but I don't want to snoop if I don't have to - I want her to make the effort, to have the action of reconciliation.

She's happy to have me back as a happy roommate. I'm not happy with that.

Should I keep my appointment with the divorce lawyer? Should I pay the retainer? I don't want to.

I know we need to go slow. Should I be happy with her talking to me and not much action from her?

She reminded me it's been two days. I just expressed some frustration. Can I ask for action? How much is too much?

[Cadet]

Have you ever read pursuit and distance?

You may now be in this dance.

STOP

[trumpet]

Cadet,

Found the thread. I'll re-read it now.

Thanks for the help.

[trumpet]

Cadet,

After taking a look on Pursuit and Distance, and finding a characteristic chart on Emotional Pursuit/Distance, I'm more in the Pursuer category, while my wife is more of a distancer.

About two-thirds is pursuit for me, and two-thirds distancer for my wife.

One of the counselors, the female I saw on Monday, and who saw us originally, said that our roles did seem 'flipped' from what she normally sees. I think she might have been thinking along these lines. I'm not emotionally distant - I'm actually much more able to talk about my emotions. It's really difficult for my wife. It's better to bottle and tell no one what she thinks. She wants me to make the choices when we go out - hates making choices. In fact, she refuses to go to Subway, because there are too many choices. Won't grocery shop with me, and wants me to do all the big shopping - too many choices, to much to analyze.

My first thought after my frustration this morning, and now after reading this, is to go right back to DB'ing in full. Get back to no pursuit, and get back to having no expectations on the R.

How do we stop the cycle? How do I get my wife to realize her part without just coming out and telling her? I realize I've been the 'fixer' for years, and through all of this, she has to fix her side of the street.

[Cadet]

How do we stop the cycle?

Stop pursuing.

Let her pursue YOU

And don't TELL her anything let your actions speak for your words

[JGuy]

After taking a look on Pursuit and Distance, and finding a characteristic chart on Emotional Pursuit/Distance, I'm more in the Pursuer category, while my wife is more of a distancer.

...

How do we stop the cycle? How do I get my wife to realize her part without just coming out and telling her? I realize I've been the 'fixer' for years, and through all of this, she has to fix her side of the street.

I am in exactly the same place, Trumpet. Looking for answers to exactly the same questions. See my post from yesterday for my extended thoughts on this.

Given what I know now, if I was dating my W and we weren't married and didn't have children, I would have no hesitation in breaking up and moving on. It is just so clear to me now that I need someone who can come to the table and make a genuine effort to tend to the R. When I'm the only one tending to it, there is no R. It is just me relating to myself.

Of course, being in a M with children is different. Letting the old M burn to the ground is really hard. Creating the space for your W to realize on her own what she is missing requires not pursuing anymore. Pursuing is such a hard habit to break! But this habit of pursuing is exactly what needs to burn down and is the part that we are responsible for. I can see that now, and it sounds like you can too.