Laurie, Sting, Pattie, Deb,

Well I stepped back from our sitch, from my H's behavior and looked at it for what it is, childish. The "I'm busy the next three nights" out of the blue comment. There was no reason to say that at all, no adult reason anyway.

Now, for the first time, I can see the bevahior for what is, I can see that it has nothing to do with me or anytyhing I've done, not done. Oh I used to make it all about me..."now what did I do" "how can I make it better" and really nothing worked and it didn't matter what I did to try to make it different. My H DIDN'T CHANGE and I couldn't MAKE him change--it's H not ME. That is up to him, I CAN let it go now, finally..yippee.

Now when something makes sense to me, like when I step back and look at a behavior and a light bulb goes on, I get this feeling in my body, can't describe it, maybe sensation is a better word--feels good too.

We did have a good night though. Went to dinner with S. H brought up Easter again and wanted to know who specifically asked about him? I gave him a few names. H told me the reason he doesn't like going to my family events is he doesn't feel comfortable there anymore. (Well I kind of figured that and with time I'm hoping he'll get over it). I did tell him that one of my brothers did say "to get over it" and that he was welcome there. I said I don't feel comfortable there sometimes myself. H said why? I said it's just the same thing at all our get togethers and then H went onto to tell me who was doing what and was sitting where and he was absolutely RIGHT! We are too predictable and in routine/rut.

After dinner we went to look a few boats. On one of the streets I was driving too fast, OMG you'd have thought I committed a crime. H said to me "slow down you're going to fast!! I can't see the house numbers, well we drove by it so I had to turn around. I turned around in someone's driveway and H said "don't turn around in their driveway " like it was a crime. He was glaring at me I could see him out of the corner of my eye, and I said why not? You do it. It was one of those moments that threw me off and I almost lost it, wanted to go into the old me routine. So I parked the car, S and H got out to look at the boat. I calmed myself and tried to pinpoint what inside of me was bothered--the child in me or probably plain and simple the way H treated me!!!

We came home, H set up son's racetrack. They played with that for awhile. Got ready for bed. Went into S's room with him for a bit and then got myself ready in the bathroom becuase H goes to bed first and shuts the lights off. I come into our room and I feel something on my shoulder and yep he's got my bras on the ceiling fan again.. and I jump in bed and we .

Afterwards H brings up something that happened five years ago pertaining to the conception of our S4. Which is also the day of the bomb, we were trying for the 2000 baby and April 9 was THE day. I just thought it interesting that H brought it up and also the fact that he had had major back surgery two weeks earlier and that our about killed him!! I wonder if he remembers the date he left and the correlation, I didn't say a word.

The sun is shining and I'm hitting the driving range after work and then outside to do yard work play with S4

Cathy