More and more, and less and less...

[Zues126]

Thank you sunny. I was wounded pretty deeply in my R.

I am responsible for that as well, was immature in my own ways, had nice guy covert contracts, poor behavior that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, did my share of trying to control XW's behavior. Had I been a stronger man and a stronger husband there is no doubt XW would've responded differently.

What I am talking about above is how it FEELS. That is it. This isn't the narrative I choose to live my life. I don't cling to a victim role. I don't walk around with poison in my heart every day. I don't think I have the male/female dynamic solved.

But I definitely have a powerful emotional reaction to that statement. And it's probably a good thing I'm being honest about my anger. I went through something I will NEVER allow myself to go through again, my anger comes from being very hurt, and it gives me the strength I need do what I need to do to protect myself from that again. Right now that protection means not having anything to do with another woman. The pain was too great, I'd rather err on the side of over-correcting and just being single for the count. I'm sure in the future the wounds will heal by time, continued posting, learning to be a better man so I feel I could face that situation again more prepared.

But right now I still see red when I hear stuff like that. I share it both because it is my journey, and because I sometimes feel like I am speaking for the WAH's. And I know I still have the desire to be understood or validated, but more and more I am convinced it's not possible. Fo made a comment about how her WAH repeated word for word what she said at IC, then twisted it in his memory anyway. I just think things look so differently through my eyes that anyone I talk with will have to placate me, pat my knee, tell me they understand, and then secretly decide how they are going to manage around my craziness. Well, I have no desire to have people in my life that think I'm crazy. XW can diagnose me all she wants. Maybe after death there's a place where we can see the whole picture and she'll be like 'son of a gun, from where he was I would feel the exact same thing, only much more strongly than I ever could've imagined him feeling!' I'm not holding my breath...