Here I am still

[kyrie]

Hi Fo - still trying to catch up.
If I were to avoid him he uses that as more spew fodder: that I'm controlling the conversation, that I don't want to deal with things, that I'm in la-la land and won't cooperate, etc.
I do see what you mean about not latching on to good or bad or what might 'fix' things - I have been too apt to latch on to that. It's hard because I'm suffocating. I'll take anything at this point and that's pathetic.
He sees all this. He interprets validation as patronization and smells it a mile away.
Again, if I suggest separation or that he get his own place while I deal with myself then that automatically means I'm controlling things. Which is not a 180. He can work that anytime he wants, KWIM?

Kyrie, yes I do know what you mean which is why you need to take the space that YOU need to live your life in peace. You validate, he spews. You ask for space, he spews. Whatever you do, he is going to spew. So do what is best for you. I believe that would be getting away from the spew. How is it helping him or you to stand there and listen to the spew? Is being his punching bag diffusing the situation? Is it building his character or helping him heal? No. The spew is not good for you, it is wearing you out. Trust me on this, at a certain point you are going to crash if you continue to live with this level of high-intensity stress. You keep saying "I can't do X or Y because he will spew." You still think you are causing the spew. This is something he is going through, something about him, not you. He is spewing at you because it is easier for him to blame you than to look inwards at himself. You can not do that for him. By engaging him in this cycle you are enabling him to continue to do it. Take away his punching bag. Remove yourself physically from the spew. Of course he will spew about that too, but if you are not there to hear it, then he will be forced to deal with his emotions some other way. And in the meantime, you are still a loving person, still loving him in the ways that are authentic and non-degrading to you, like I said fixing him dinner, taking care of the family, greeting him nicely, offering words of comfort or appreciation as necessary. I am not saying go no-contact, just no spew. [/quote]
The spew will happen even if I do all those things. He'll wake me up at night to spew. When I have tried to avoid it in the past he accuses me of controlling things and will pester me. He has had ample opportunity to only look at himself. He's even wailed about "I'm so sick of this", etc, etc. Almost seems like he's nearly there, but it just never really happens.