I hate buttons, don't you? He does sound like a caged animal. Unfortunately, he's got to figure this out on his own. Sometimes I wish we could get into their heads to see what was there. We'd probably be really disappointed!!
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Just a little MORE venting after a weekend of living with a MLC’r.
I know H is trying, he is getting better, he's seems to be going longer periods w/o drinking, etc., except it’s very trying some days like today. When they think the world is them and their feelings. Like my H not wanting to go his family’s nor my family’s for Easter. “Do you think they’ll mind if I’m not there?” I say “well they’ll ask where you are?” and H says “tell them I’m at OW’s, maybe that’s where I’ll go” I DID NOT say anything, but want an assinine thing to say to me! Rather than to go to his parents or my parents, he’d rather be at OW’s, oh that’s right drinking was the other option.
Then after demanding that I call his SIL to tell her we will not be coming, after me saying a number of times that I was thinking of going, but H demanding I call SIL to tell her we’re not coming today says to me “well you could have went” argghhhhhh.
When S and I were driving to my parents I had the same feeling that I usually have when I’ve been with my family too long, a need to just get away and be by myself (with S of course).
Let’s see what else did H blame me for..having to spank our S. If I disciplined S a little more than H wouldn’t have to be so hard on S. Well that may be true to a point, but H being gone for nine months didn’t help much either. And S having to wonder what was wrong with his mother the first couple of months after he upped and left us….H is the KING of blame. H can make every thing he does, says or reacts to MY fault. I’m not taking the blame, but am not quite sure how to react to his numerous statements. It’s usually not till after the words are out of his mouth and the conversation is over that I realize he’s BLAMING me once again.
“Oh I didn’t come home or call because YOU didn’t call me” or “there’s no connection” is a favorite for an excuse as to why he ends up at OW’s.
He does have his good moments though, which are getting better. Except today was awful. In front of S4 he blames me for giving him “all that candy” I say "Easter bunny"…no, it’s Mom’s fault…blah, blah, blah…
I get home from my parents with a plate of food for H and he’s gone. Who knows where, why do I bother. A few of my family members questioned where H was, one of my brothers said “tell him he can come over, we’re all over it” and my SIL just shook her head. H doesn’t take into consideration other people’s feelings and how they might feel that he doesn’t come. I mean what if they all took it personally and felt sorry for themselves because “H doesn’t like us and all sit around moping”
He’s mad at HIS brother, the one who invited us over today. That’s why we didn’t go. H just can’t let things go. H’s brother has a good marriage and does things with his wife and feels she’s important. H thinks he’s henpecked or CAN’T go on expensive hunting trips or fishing trip. He doesn’t go because he doesn’t need them to fill his life, he can more than afford them, too. I think H's brother told him something like "well at least I can stay married" not to long after he flew the coop here.
I’m done venting, as I said H is trying. But it’s a struggle some days for me to not just let him have it--both barrels. Not to add PMS and my own “chewing on nails and lack of patience the last few days. At least now I recognize the PMS and don’t use it an excuse, or at least try my hardest not to let it control what comes out of my mouth.
H showed up shortly after I posted last night. S4 was in the bathtub. H came into the house, I got up from the computer and went into the bathroom. H came into the bathroom. S and I both asked where H was...H didn't answer at first, then S asked again. H said he was driving around. I asked H if had ate and that I brought some food for him. H said he ate. S asked where he ate and H said "McDonald's" my first thought was, you eat there but I can't take our S there..go figure.
Then H wanted to know if anyone in my family asked where he was? I said yes they did. H said not they didn't and that he wasn't ever going to anything there again! I said well that's pretty selfish. Everyone there likes him. H then asked what I told them when they asked where he was. I said "that he wasn't coming" and that was all. I wasn't going to lie to them.
H responded to the "selfish" thing by saying he didn't have any feelings. I said what about S4, H said well yes he's the exception. I then brought up his older S and H said "he's grown up and on his own."
H's new obsession is to buy a boat, and my brother's know that so I told him about a boat my brother saw west of the city. H said "I've been driving around for the last three hours looking at boats" so he was out driving around.
He feels really bad that he spanked our S and I think it really bothered him as he feels like he's beating S4. S4 is a tough little guy, H will spank him hard and S will cry, but will mouth back to his dad right afterwards..S4 doesn't back down from his dad!
H did seem calmer and didn't seem as edgy when he got back last night. We did talk a little bit, but then H shut down when we went to bed. I've been giving him space at night as he doesn't seem to want to be close unless it's after
Don't you love the "he's grown"? I hear that alot! Guess it is part of the mlc journey. Perhaps a version of "they don't need me". Though adult children do need their parents. We aren't animals to kick them out of the way.
Your responses were soooooo gooood!
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Back again...I should say that I had a great weekend!
I had my hair highlighted on Saturday, so I'm a lot blonder now and feel like a different woman. It was the pick me up I needed and a lot cheaper than a facelift
On Saturday in between H's "mad" moments H did work on our lawn mower. I was very tired and trying to nap, but H came in and requested my help. The old me would have moaned and complained about having to help, BUT I did hold it in went outside to help. Didn't say anything at first because I was trying to get ahold of my emotions of being disturbed from my nap. Got over those and then just enjoyed being outside with my H and helping him.
We did take a trip to Farm and Fleet Sat. afternoon which was a good family thing. H asked what the plans were for dinner, I had bought some hamburger so we grilled out and ate dinner together.
H made a lot of trips here and there in his truck this weekend. Yesterday morning we did have breakfast together, SS came over for awhile and then S4 and I went to my parents.
It seems like my family get togethers, it's the same old thing, scene. Some in watching TV, some chatting at the kitchen table, kids playing video games, hanging out around any newly purchased small engine/large engine machines. New lawnmower for my Dad. Fourwheeler was out and there were some smaller guns out..bb guns and 22's. My parents live in the country and have some land. So H really doesn't miss a whole lot when he doesn't come over, but it's nice having him there.
I don't envy you living with an mlcer with those moodswings. He's trying so very hard to push your buttons and get you to snap at him. If at all possible when he's trying to needle you, like the bit about never going to a family gathering again, don't take the bait if you can help it. He's so looking to satisfy his desire for fighting. He may nt have gone to your family this year, but hopefully he'll be in a different, better frame of mind next year. His selfish behavior and desire not to go is so much replay and the temper tantrums of a juvenile mind. Unfortunately he's so in the "me" mode right now.
I hope you're able to avoid some of his antics and act as if to the best of your ability. The rollercoaster is tough and tougher when they're home, but if you can detach from some of his selfishness it will be a little easier to endure.
Had a good evening last night. I came home to walk on treadmill, then have supper and run an errand. H was going to run an errand with S and didn't want to "do it on my schedule" meaning wait for me to finish walking and then all go to do errands. So they left, I made dinner for us while they were gone. Ate dinner together, H cleaned up a few dishes then went outside to finish trimming weeds along our fence line, which he had started last week. Since H didn't say anything about this to me, I had to ask him and say "wow."
H and S took a shower and then I read to S for awhile and we went to bed. When H and I were laying in bed H comes out with a "I'm busy Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights" and I say oh, what are you doing? H says "I'm busy" He said in such a way that I interpreted it to mean "I don't need you so I'm going to be gone or maybe it's a cry for attention by the way he said it. I really don't think he's busy, but could make himself busy drinking is maybe what he was saying. I don't know. I'm thinking I should counter attack with a "maybe we could meet for dinner Thursday night" since I don't think he has any firm plans.
I then remind him that I have a birthday party to go to Friday night and his comment "have fun" in the same tone of voice used to say "he's busy" then he does proceed to ask a few questions in a normal interested voice. I asked him something back and he didn't respond and so I whispered "okay then good night."
I hesitated about reaching out to him last night to , didn't know if I should, shouldn't, and he made no moves. This is hard sometimes, do I, don't I, prebomb he was always interested, now it's tricky.
I did make H a sandwich last night for his lunch today which he did take. For some odd reason this is a good sign to me.
His dad's 80th b-day is Sunday and H said everyone is meeting for brunch. H didn't say he wasn't going so I'm thinking we might all attend brunch.
