Yes me being able to sleep is huge. I think it's because, off and on, I have been dealing with this for over 2 years. I am up to a solid 4 to 5 hours a night. Not where I need to be but a lot better than when I couldn't sleep at all.
The why's are killing me. There is a piece of my (our) life that I wish I could tell you guys. But IRL if anyone in our world stumbled upon this BB it would blow my cover as it were. But I wish I could as it was a tragedy that came and started this change in him. But the why is not something I believe even he knows.
And you are correct. Why and how questions put him on the defensive. His responses are never actual responses either. It's always why do you....or how could you....and he will say.....well because I'm a POS or because I am a bad person.
As far as the kids. I can absolutely be more present. But I have done so much better this time. I actually have good days and even on my bad ones I do my best to not show them. We get out of the house and we do fun things together.
GALing and detaching have been hard for me though.
As far as R talks we don't really have them. It's more me crying or drunk texting (when my girlfriend was here) and him ignoring me or "defending" himself.
In one of my more not so AS IF moments I text him that he has made me feel like nothing. Chasing the ow and these girls that can be our daughters has made me feel less than.
He responded with a very long text (not like him at all- usually many short texts as he thinks of things) that he is sorry he made me feel like that. That I am an intelligent, beautiful, strong woman. That he loves me and our kids and he has always done his best to give us what we need and want. And it was never his intention to hurt me. And also that he just doesn't want to fight about his A pr what OW said and that he may be on those sites but he has not met anyone in person.
I felt even worse after that text. I was mortified I actually told him that. That I gave him that peek into myself. That's when I started back on my going as dark as I can path. Just answered short yes/no/okay kind of texts back. Now he suddenly is coming to see the kids. When I want him here he forgets we exist. When I'm humiliated by my own hand then go dark, he wants to show up. It's maddening.
I will look for the PMA videos on YouTube. And I want to GAL...and to detach so badly. i want to not let his choices and words affect me. i want to be happy again and just get over the fact that he has hurt me. That Inatead of fighting for me and our family after the OW did the BD that he has chosen to turn to those sites instead and leave us to pick up the pieces alone. But it's hard. So very hard.
And though I too at times feel ours is a hopeless situation there are other times I do have a little hope. That he will wake up and fight for me and our babies. That he will be truly remorseful. But that is something that won't be happening anytime soon if at all.
The homeless man. That's why I love New York I get the analogy though.
I am no saint. This I admit. I have many things I need to work on. And I have started to. I do get sidetracked but I am working on them. I fear he never will. It breaks my heart. But I can't force change on him.
I get the analogy though. 
