Here I am still

[Vanilla]

There is much sense in 25 posts, surrender to the higher power and work on you. You have no control over WH and whilst he is using porn he is wayward treat him as such. Hold Sandi 37 close to your hearts.

Porn is a behavioural addiction, it can never be cured only managed. The addict has to want to manage their addiction. It is in the same class as gambling and anorexia.

Addicts don't quit their addiction whilst they are active they use every resource they have to keep their action going. It does not mean they don't love or feel, it just means the behaviour means more than anything else. Your WH is a overt addict, he is not as yet gone covert. This says to me he believes he has it under control somewhat. When he realises he doesn't he will go underground with it. He may also do that if he is threatened in some way, that very fact makes the addict feel entitled to their addiction.

The shame kicks in and the depression when it dawns it's out of control, and it eventually will. Even so addicts continue with their addiction.

Being an addict is a lonely place to be. Being a covert addict is isolating. Many of these addicts get really depressed. In the defiant stage, they have not accepted they are addicts.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

Nothing at all. It's his circus his monkeys.

You can't love an addict from their addiction
You can't talk an addict out of it
You can't criticise an addict to wake up
You can't take away their computer, lock them in a room forever
If they want the behaviour they will go get it

The addict is addicted because they are. They stick with their addiction because they are addicted. Do that which you need to do for you, do not enable, do not lie or cover up for him. Do not fund the addiction in any way with any resource. Get IC for you.

If you can join a 12 step group for friends and family of addicts. On line if needs be and chat to someone knowledgeable about behavioural addictions such as this. WH is ill, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Once you drop your shame then things get much easier for you, realise there are many out there who are in your position. My WH is a compulsive gambler, compulsive to his core, out of control with his demons which he calls issues. Sounds nicer doesn't it? But he has not accepted he has them, his decision. Nothing I can do. That's multiple addictions by the way, cross addicted. Addicts have a life full of their addictions.

This is a hard journey for the loved ones of an addict, leave the addict to his addiction, don't interfere, you can't anyway. Make it clear you need him to be a functioning addict. Then drop it, completely.

Otherwise his addiction is in control of your behaviour and feelings.

There is nothing you can do whilst you concentrate on his addiction. Concentrating on his addiction makes both of you addicted to his behaviour in different ways.

25 advice is as always rock solid. The only one you can influence is you. Create a loving influence for you. HaV your boundaries and hold them. Make it clear you will not enable his addiction by your behaviour.

When the time comes and your WH reaches shame and depression, then he hits rock bottom and surrenders to the higher power. Until that moment, live each day for you and your children.

His influence on your D is obvious, she is patterning the behaviour, although not with the porn addiction. You are going to have to be the stronger parent. WH will deny etc to stay with his behavioural drug of choice. You are the best chance your children have of great parenting.

Focus on you and your children. There is little you can do for WH other than stand.

Just my 2c

V