Just to catch up on a bit of journalling from yesterday. One of my 180s has been to show more interest when H talks about his work as this was one of his complaints. Whenever he has left our house and has been going to work shortly afterwards I have been saying, "Have a good shift!" It has taken him aback for certain. The first time I said it he did a double take and looked confused as to why I would say that. The second time he looked at me the same. The next few times he just said thank you. Last night, before I got chance to say it, he said to me, "Have a good day at work tomorrow." I'm marking it in my journal as a baby step.
As always though it is one step forwards and two back. Last night he said, "See you tomorrow." as he left. He hasn't been round and hasn't text either. Upset children again.
IP - How far in advance does H get a schedule of his shifts? You have a right to ask for that schedule. You can and should put an end to his showing up whenever he likes, but still allow him and the children plenty of time with one another.
I'd definitely let him know you're working on a schedule that brings some routine back into the children's lives, but allows you both to have more equal "free time" with them. You also need to insist he take them on weekends he's available. How else can you start GAL?
Try and flip the way you're looking at the situation. Make him babysit his own kids. If he's out having a life, why can't you have an opportunity to do the same? Put the man to work!
Don't know how I missed this one Ancaire! He knows his schedule several months in advance. At the moment I have no idea what it is though. It was all written on the calendar up until the new year from before BD. He hasn't divulged his shifts for the new year however and I haven't asked as I thought this would be pursuing. Was hoping he might just tell me but he hasn't done yet.
I have asked H to turn up between a certain time and I have added that it would be best with his work commitment and me trying to have kids in bed by a certain time.
Now H is shortening his time with kids! He is the one losing out, not me! Sad really. You have been through this before Inpain and I know you can do it again.
You missed the schedule opportunity because you're out in the middle of the storm and can't see. It is not pursuing to find out when he's working. Let him know you need a copy of his schedule because you're going to set up a schedule for the both of you with the children.
Stress that children do best with a routine. Since he's not living at home, actively helping you with the children anymore, you need to know when he's available ahead of time so that you can get things done.
It's pursuing if you're using it to keep track of him. If you're using it to make life more orderly and easier on you during this time, it just makes a lot of sense.
IP, if he gets angry, let him get angry. Stand your ground and insist on receiving a copy of his schedule. I know you've been trying to appear cheerful and upbeat when he's around, but I bet he can sense you're constantly watching him - seeing if anything has changed. It's a silent kind of pressure that doesn't make him feel very good, and he probably labels it "pathetic". You want to make a better impression, if you can.
So...You make a big change first. Remember you have a backbone. You're obviously a wonderful mother and need to keep that in mind so that you can make decisions that are in the best interests of your kids. One unexpected benefit? He's going to begin to view you less as clingy and oh-so-sad, and more someone he needs to respect.
That is only to your benefit! People are not attracted to people they look down on. If he senses your desperation, I guarantee it is not making you look attractive. You're only two months in...I think being a perfect DBer is probably unlikely at the moment - you can only do what you're ready to do. You can put the best interests of your kids before his need to "drop in and get it over with".
One thing I picked up on your last page. You stated that the kids told you all H did was play on his tablet. You're going to have to let that go, for now. You already know you can't control him. You're dealing with a grown man reliving his teens...no one is going to "tell him what to do". He remembered to feed them! Hallelujah! He can handle an emergency. Just don't expect much else, he's going to disappoint you.
I'm just happy for you that you have one of the WAS who is making an effort to see his children. A lot of them don't even do that! You're further ahead than you can see at this moment.
I understand your insecurities you had in your relationship. Your story is similar to mine in a way that this is our second time through this. When it happened to me the first time and she came back it was like nothing ever happened. We moved on from it and had several great years. But I was insecure. It was deep inside me and it probably came out as jealousy. I can't go back in time and change things.
I understand more now and see so clearly but that is for us. Our MLC spouses have to do their work on them. Hopefully they will find the same answers as us.
I don't mention that my W is loco to her. I can't tell her that I figured my issues out and see clear. They don't care and it will just push them further away.
Outings with the kids are great aren't they. Keep them busy. You said it was always you and them mostly because your H was working. It's a lot easier because the don't expect him to be there. Try new things to. Change it up and a lot of pictures. These are memories for both you and them. Those sitting on the outside looking in miss everything .
Great that you did a 180 on your husband. His reaction to your interest in his work is super. It won't make him think more about your R or maybe it will. We don't know what's spinning I their minds. Do the 180 for you as well if it makes you feel good. If he notices great :-)
I am a few months ahead of you yes... I can tell you 100% I'm stronger and my thinking is clearer than Its been in years. You will get there.
There will always be ups and downs. I feel them still. Flashbacks and sadness but they are less often.
Hugs to you xx Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I have asked H to turn up between a certain time and I have added that it would be best with his work commitment and me trying to have kids in bed by a certain time.
Now H is shortening his time with kids! He is the one losing out, not me! Sad really. You have been through this before Inpain and I know you can do it again.
Keep faith :-)
Thanks Rouky, this seems like a good idea to set up for us too. Can't believe your H is shortening his time with your kids! But, as you say, he is the one losing out and I'm sure, at some point in the future, he will regret it big time. I think having done this before is actually making it harder for me. I am expecting it to be as easy as last time, I also have the time limit of how long it took last time in my head constantly, and I also feel despondent because I think he came back once and now has done it again, so what is the point DBing this time if he could come back and then leave me again at some other point in the future.
You missed the schedule opportunity because you're out in the middle of the storm and can't see. It is not pursuing to find out when he's working. Let him know you need a copy of his schedule because you're going to set up a schedule for the both of you with the children.
You're right Ancaire, I will make sure I ask him when he comes tomorrow.
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
One thing I picked up on your last page. You stated that the kids told you all H did was play on his tablet. You're going to have to let that go, for now. You already know you can't control him. You're dealing with a grown man reliving his teens...no one is going to "tell him what to do". He remembered to feed them! Hallelujah! He can handle an emergency. Just don't expect much else, he's going to disappoint you.
Lol, yes hallelujah, he remembered to feed them! Give the guy a medal lol! I didn't say a thing about him being on his tablet all day - another 180 I suppose, as that is actually no different to how he used to behave when he lived here and had the kids, and I used to nag at him about it.
I didn't say a thing about him being on his tablet all day - another 180 I suppose, as that is actually no different to how he used to behave when he lived here and had the kids, and I used to nag at him about it.