More and more, and less and less...

[Zues126]

Thanks for posting Julie. I'm going to react now on one of my tirades.

To be honest, I think it just takes a level of commitment and the understanding that you just have to be patient while the kids are young and then things will get better.

I got angry reading this. This just triggers so much for me. To me this is code for "Husbands need to understand that sex will have to take a back burner for 5-10+ years, and not get so bent out of shape". That's not what you said. That's what XW said, so that's what I read when I see this. Never mind it's the 5-10 years when our sex drives are the highest. We'll wait until after the kids move out and her sex drive spikes and she's in the mood, then if I'm meeting all of her needs maybe we'll find the time...

That's not ok. I went in thinking that if I gave my W what she wanted (children, the ability to stay home and raise them), she would reciprocate with what I wanted. I didn't want kids for me, they were for her. I literally made a lifelong commitment to both her, and my children, and to working a million hours a week to provide for all of them...all because I thought I'd get in exchange a wife that loved me and show me that by meeting my one bloody set of needs. Meanwhile she can neglect me during our marriage and never touch me again once she files, but the children are hers forever and I have to continue to work my tail off and support her for 18 more years. This may seem extreme, but I hope the ladies understand how used and hustled men feel when they get tossed aside after children.

If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have had children. Or only with a woman that proved to me that I would always be first. I know this is how nature continues. And to be fair it's done by women who have no clue that we are different animals, and that we need sex like they want babies. But still, soul crushing torture inflicted for years is real whether it was intended or not.

I know, I know, it happens the other way around. Fo, Painter, all the higher drive spouses...and I'm sure there are women who have children because the men want them, and they resent their spouse who uses them for the children the way I feel.

Bottom line, I agree that marriage gets hard with kids, for sure. But I was just compelled to restate my 'no excuses' standpoint very, very, very loudly because while I wouldn't never left my XW and would never have cheated, that outlook is so destructive I can't find words.

That's ok. I'm glad I have my children now. And I am no longer tied to a woman that I can't trust with myself. It's all going to be ok.

All of this said I believe I missed the main point of your post, which is that it gets tough, and people need to be ready for a level of difficulty they aren't really braced for. Now that I've spewed my reaction out I can agree with all of that. Anything other than long stretches with no sex and I can be on board with...

PS- another reason I'm nowhere near ready to date. Still way too much resentment to work through.