My new thread 1

[Zues126]

I was just talking to W and I told her I understand she is going to follow her path. She has to do her thing. I have to do mine.
I slipped and said tho I understand that part its hard for me to not think about not trying to work on us.
To which I got. Oh my god there hasn't been anything to work on for 3 months. You need to realize I am going
Why can't I just drop this and move on.

Hey Tyler, I am just catching up on your situation.

Actions, not words. Telling her you understand she has to go on her own path isn't the same as just letting her. If you had let her go you wouldn't need to have that conversation.

Sandi's 37 rules should be your bible.

Anyway, don't worry about 'making mistakes'. You are new to this and are still very attached, and in a lot of denial. The reason she shed more tears is because she isn't in denial. She is for real. I also think her comment about you going on a date was more of an indication of where her mind is at (thinking about the next relationship) in comparison to where yours is (clinging to this one).

The key is to getting yourself to a spot where you have become the person you want to be. I don't care if she thinks she 'sees through' your faking it, it's not faking it to win her back...right? This is for you, right?

You're doing one thing absolutely right- posting a lot. Keep it up. I wish I had posted more when I was new.

[Tyler12]

Thanks Zeus.
I have found posting here. Whether someone says something back or not is very therapeutic. It's a place to vent frustrations and excitement with feed back and guidance.

I know I am in denial. In the back of my mind I keep thinking we will be alright. She just needs time. I am focusing on changing that to I need time. I need to be happy. I can't be truly happy if I am dependant on someone for that. Other than my kids to a point. They always make me smile.
It's not a quick fix either.
I see what you mean by her head being in that place. I never thought of it like that. I saw it as nervousness and jealousy. Because that's how I wanted her to feel. Still very attached and think about her too much.
And that's where my GAL is helping. Tomorrow is volleyball night and I have been looking forward to it since last week. Taking my dog for a walk every night is a pain sometimes cause it's cold. Once I get out it's great tho.
Always looking for new things to do and ways to focus on me.

[Tyler12]

Anyone able to advise me on what I should be doing while S is packing her stuff? Am I supposed to be watching to make sure she isn't packing things I don't agree with? Should I be disguising that as helping her pack or just be whatever about it. Pay no attention

[Tyler12]

I mentioned this earlier but i unfriended W in fb today. Recently I started sharing pictures of me and my children and things in up to while before I just kind of stalked and never write anything.
I enjoy sharing my happiness with friends and family. At the same time I had huge anxiety about opening it up. I never new if I was going to see a post from her about moving on or going to be a great year. I dreaded it.
Then yesterday the 2 of us took S3 skiing for the first time and it was a blast. He loved it and I took a bunch of pics. A couple had her in it so when I went to post them I thought. Sure I'll tag her in them. As I did her name popped up and she had changed it to her maiden name and her relationship status was gone. I was expecting the latter but not the maiden name. It shook me out of the happiness I had had.
Then this morning I thought. Why do i have to be afraid to go on fb because of her? Fb is for friends right? So that was that. Part of it was spiteful I see but it's something I needed to do to move on and make me happy. I also know that she hase filtered as to what I can see on her page so it's not a huge loss...
Then tonight she texts me asking if I deleted her. So instead of texting back I went to her and said I would like to talk about it.
Yes I unfriended you. There has been no sharing things between us. No tagging each other. You block me from posts. And to be honest. We aren't friends. Not anymore. I had a job and that was to be your husband and best friend. I was fired from that job. If my work fired me and said you can stay on in a lesser role for less reward. I wouldn't jump at the chance to stay there.
It's what I need to do for me. I hope you understand it's not out of anger and I'm not trying to shut you out of my life.
She said ya I do and I said good night and went to bed.

I don't know if I opened up to much for her or said too much. I'm sure she doesn't really care that I did it. And conversely I have a little worry in my heart, no where near what it would have been a week ago. It feels freeing tho

[Mona52]

(((Tyler)))

Great job unfriending her. FB is just another way for us to get punched in the stomach regularly. I believe you did not need to say all of that to her, but if it made you feel better, to get it off your chest, then okay. You said what you wanted to say, she heard you, now there is no reason to tell her again that you are not friends. The urge will be overwhelming. I know you feel if she only knew what you were thinking and feeling she would come to her senses. She will not.

We have to, just for now, forget about her. If she is happy or mad, it does not matter to you. You need to find a way to keep your focus on your life and making it the best it can be for you. A life that does not include her. Look at your goals. Find something to become obsessed with on that list.

[Tyler12]

Thanks for the support Mona. It means a lot.
Part of me feels like I explained it too much. Like I wanted to explain it so she wouldn't be mad. However i feel like it had to be said for me. More so that I could reinforce the decision within myself. I went into and came out of it not worrying that her reaction would affect me. She can take it how she wants.
My focus right now has to be school. The sitch has been affecting my concentration. Not my grades, I just feel like I could be more focused on class and studying.
That will come as I keep working at DB, and this all still seems so fresh some days.

[Mona52]

School is a great way to rip focus away from R, M and her. But you have to force it. When you begin to dwell, even though you dont want to, force focus on school. Soon it will become a habit. But only if you try very hard for a while.

[Tyler12]

Oh I see how hard it can be. Lab time isn't a problem it's lecture time when instructor is talking. Mind inevitably wanders and I have to focus it back. Not easy.
Today tho I have found my mind wandering to going out to volleyball tonight. Excited to get out

[G8r]

Volleyball sounds like a great way to blow off some steam. Also agree with you about lab. Very easy to lose yourself in lab work. Definitely have to focus on what you're doing and not on problems at home.

I've also wanted to give my W the laid off and about to be fired speech but haven't evaluated it.

[Tyler12]

Have been reading from the beginning of trumpets posts and found this gem from Zeus


Remember- How can you expect her to have the strength to cut emotional ties with OM if you don't have the strength to cut emotional ties with WW?

It resonates with me. At this point I am not over thinking about OM. Definitely not obsessing about it like I was. The focus is shifting to me.

W always had a saying she reinforced with the kids. Your choices always have consequences. It's up to you to decide whether your choice has positive or negative consequence. Right now she has to live by that.