Don't know what to do anymore...

[Painter]

Hi everyone, and thank you so much for the well-wishes.

I'm a little uncertain about what kind of update this is. I have felt quite down for much of the time since the holidays, not surprisingly. Also bouts of anger and dreams about H cheating that wakes me up in the morning.

H and I live like we did before I discovered the new e-mails, but he seems to have stepped up some when it comes to piecing.

We had a conversation a week or so ago where I actually suggested that some time apart (yes, I used the S-word) could do us good, and H seemed to agree that we are not bringing out the best in each other. However, he still said he didn't want to S, so I told him he would have to be the locomotive for a while. I'm just spent, I guess.

Things have been pretty good since then. We are not living a friction free life, we argue at times and some of the old issues are still popping up, but in general, I think it's it's pretty good. I don't know what H thinks, he doesn't want to talk much about it.

I think H is calmer than he has been in our entire M, but I suspect that's a benefit of something else he's doing that might be helping with his ADHD as a positive side effect.

I got a glimpse of how good we could have it one weekend before Christmas, but it was brief and didn't last. I don't know what to do to get it back, because it requires both of us to contribute 100%.

Poll question: Do/did you go a day without touching your spouse? No hug, kiss or physical contact of any kind for all the time you saw them (after work until bedtime)? I'm curious what's the norm.