Have you discussed this influence with an IC? Examined it to understand how it has affected you? We are getting into the schemas of my childhood, abandoment, subjugation.
Did your mother ever take action to stop this? She would stand up to my father and they would argue. She defend us.
She had four children with a man who was destructive. Was that something from her own background? No, many times she said she wished she had never met him. Other times she said she wished she had taken me and went back to Germany.
How do you feel about her? I love her, she did the best she could with an abusive man.
Did you protect your sisters? They didn't really need it. It was my mother and myself. He expected my sisters to do what he wanted and they did.
Did you ever get help? No, it was never quite that bad.
Was there intervention by schools or authorities? No
Was your mother hospitalised? No, by the time I left for college she complained that her nerves were shot. He only hit her once about when I was ten.
Can you forgive him, can you look at a picture of that wonderful child and feel proud of him? Yes, it was not my fault.
Have you a photograph of yourself, can you relate to that child? Yes, I had a good childhood except for my father and his abuse.
Can you go back and protect him? I would tell him it's not your fault. That he should not take the anger he feels for his father and turn it into shame of himself.
If you had been you as you are now, what would you have done for that child to protect him? I would tell my father not criticize his son, not to verbal abuse him and not to verbally abuse his wife.
What actions would you have taken? I would have intervened so he understood that what he was doing was not acceptable.
Thank you V for your effort to help me straight out my closet. Your thought, that I took my anger and turned it into shame of myself is brilliant. It would explain some of my other issues.
