Here I am still

[25yearsmlc]

Hi kyrie

Just stopped by at Zues's request (Z--the way I usually find someone is by someone tracking me down here as you did, (or the alternate universe but that's a rarity).

Kyrie, so sorry you are here but it's the best place to be for lousy reasons. GLAD you have a DB coach. It's the single best thing you can do for now. And keep reading the books, b/c sometimes the 5th time you read something it resonates more.

Also could you go to your profile or somehow get your "essential info" in your signature block? That will include the basics like length of marriage, ages of kids, bomb drop dates, your ages, and main ISSUES...
that way we can refresh our memory every time we see you post somewhere.

I read a lot of your thread but doubt I can read it all, along with the others I post to,

and by having the essentials in one place, it'll give us the info we need to gauge things.
IF I recall right, you each have a child, or you have a d14, this is your 2nd m, you are a veteran and he's a pastor (one of many, or one of only a few in the congregation? I mean is he the 'main guy" or what?).

Main issues in your eyes are porn, possible EA/PA and lousy treatment AND he says he's miserable and isn't sure he wants to be married. Are there any other issues from your standpoint?

And if HE WERE HERE, what would HE say the main issues are?

12 year marriage, yes? Okay moving on...

Ugh, still many questions. I'll read more on Fo.2, thanks.
Not sure exactly what is meant by dropping the rope.


Partly it means Stop investing so much of yourself in HIS reaction to what you say or do or what expression you have on your face. Live your life well and be the best mother you can be.



Some of the DB ideas/suggests are opposing a 180 by me (and the advise given mainly by Zues). In other words, do I focus on just being the very best wife, meeting his needs and ignoring the pain right now?


If you mean sex when you say "meeting his needs" that's one thing.

But it's not our job to meet ALL of our h's needs. Only sexual intimacy is the exclusive province of a wife (leaving aside for now, porn).

"ignoring the pain"...well, it's not his pain; it's yours. You don't have to ignore it. But you cannot lay it on him. What I Think you are saying is that you feel hurt by him and you do not want to delay "Fixing" that. You want HIM to change but the thing you've been told here, repeatedly is that you cannot change him. He may always mistreat you....so does that mean you'll be in pain 24/7?

No one is suggesting you "ignore" the pain but you do have to find other comforters, than your h. He's not the person to help with your pain at this time.

But you have friends and family (Somewhere?) and I'd get an IC and talk to the safe people in your life. Treat your pain.

Learn to heal without your h's involvement, just as you would if he had passed away or moved to the Australian bush and you could not reach him.


I hear that the most. But that is nearly the opposite of dropping the rope, not "pursuing", detaching, or getting space. I'm sorry I'm so confused on this...I am very dense indeed


The problem is, I am paralyzed to disconnect and stop trying

Disconnecting is part of TRYING; it's just a new method. Counter intuitive perhaps, but you disconnect b/c you are attaching HIS reactions to everything as your barometer of personal happiness. If HE is miserable, YOU are....

IF HE is mad, you feel lousy and that's toxic. But you are empowered here b/c it's a CHOICE you've been making all along, to attach his outlook to yours.

Make a different choice.

because it will generate certain consequences: 1. it does not send the right message (by me) to my children,

I think just the opposite. IT shows that we are responsible for our own happiness and on one else gets to "author the book of our lives", we do. WE can chooose to be happy and loving, regardless of how someone else is.

You must GAL and Detach, in order to feel good enough to act loving and in time, feel loving.


2. he will surely react, badly and

PREDICTING HIS reaction is a useless path. You're not a fortune teller but even if you were, you just attached your expectation of HIS reaction to how you will behave.

NOT a good dynamic.

Detaching stops that dynamic.

And I truly do not see how anyone can detach, without GAL, which is why we hammer it so much here. IT works.


3. most of all, it reinforces what he has been saying all along: that I'm faking any love, faking trying, not being sincere and not being a good wife. So I'm pinned down, every choice and action is wrong.

Here is a plan I gave to someone here, and they said it helped them, so maybe it'll help you.

Having a PLAN means you need a GOAL, and a plan to achieve that goal. But the goal cannot be to reconcile with your h, for now.

The goal FOR NOW must be exclusively about your own growth as a woman. Become a wife only a fool would leave. Becoming the best woman you can become. DEFINE that in specific terms you understand.

Get some "mantras" or inspiring quotes for yourself, and SAY them out loud to yourself several times a day.

Watch the TED TAlk videos about positive psychology and the real data they present about how WE can change our lives from the inside...(Amy Cuddy and Sean Achor were the speakers and each is about 20 min. Easy to listen to them and potentially life changing).

Turn your marriage over to God, to free yourself to just work on YOU.

Behave in healthy confident ways and eventually, you will FEEL healthier and more confident. In TIME, your life will improve.

The improved life you create for yourself must and will be enough for you.

What your h does or believes about the new wonderful you, is far beyond your control.
Any efforts on your end to affect HIS perceptions/reactions, are for nothing. They are wasted energy.

That energy (the energy spent on worrying about Him OR in trying to convince him of anything about you) is a waste of energy.

Spend ALL of your energy on becoming the best woman & mother you can become. The reality of who you become, will suffice. It MUST suffice.

If he believes you are a purple lesbian dinosaur from Mars, you may not be able to change that belief but you cannot let it change the reality that you are a woman with great qualities.
His beliefs will NOT be based on reality, his "data" about you will be false.

That fact, that you become a better woman and wife (for someone) has to be enough for you. Because it is real.
He wil notice it and he will SAY he doubts it.

Maybe that's b/c before now, it wouldn't have been a "Change", it would have been a "tactic" to get him back. But the past, passed. It's not longer real.
You are becoming a woman only a fool would leave, NOT to win him back but b/c you want to self actualize. You're a believer (as am I). This self actualization and becoming our best selves is God's will, don't you think?


The effort to understand eveything your h does or says now, and to "get" him or to make him understand (anything) that you love him or are a great catch, is ALL for nothing. Worse, it's actually counter productive.

First, the more you challenge his perceptions, the more you force him to defend them, rather than examine them.

Second, It means your energy is "outward bound" instead of being about YOUR own growth and YOUR Changes. You'll keep checking in with him to "See if he knows that you feel X"

and you'll keep on checking the temperature to see if HE knows/feels/seems different or more aware of you, etc.

Your energy will continue to hone in only on HIS reactions to your behavior.

That is no way to live and it sure won't re-attract him to you. If it worked, it would have by now.

Go inward for the changes you need to make, and outward to GAL.


Turn the marriage over to God, & simply completely take charge of your own life.

When you become the best woman you truly can be, and you know it,

then you can turn ALL of this over to God, let the cards fall where they will,

and be at peace.

From this day forward, Hold your head high and live your life well.