I just saw this^^ and will try to check in within 48 hours.
Rain, I Know I gave you A LOT to think about, but I hope you will take it in and try hard to process it.
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M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks. I like the advice of praying before I respond to him. Especially because he so rarely checks on them these days that I want to scream when he does. It's as if he feels like he is doing some great thing sending a text every 2 to 3 days, when he would call and text dozens of times a day even when we were together and were only apart for 8 hours while he worked.
And it bothers me that he knows the kids are having a hard time. We went from being together all the time to barely ever. Their little world got torn apart and he doesn't care.
I do my best. I take them out. We play. We go to the park. We cuddle to watch movies. But mommy is not daddy. And to them the moon and the stars hang on daddy and his every word. I had a few slip ups. Had a few drinks with my friends while they were here. So text a few things I shouldn't have. But I'm back in the saddle the last day and a half. Not much but I have to start somewhere.
Pink...bendito. I'm sorry. I always see what you write to me and I see you as being very strong. I'm sorry you too still have pain and tears after 17 months.
And you are very sweet to look at my R and believe there is hope because I feel most days it is completely hopeless.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
Hi AnnaB...thanks for checking up on me. I had friends over for a few days and I slipped up. But I have been dark-ish for over a day again now. He is coming to see the kids. Coincidence?
I just want to get through his visit without messing things up. I don't care how much turmoil I am in. I can't keep letting him know it. He doesn't get the satisfaction of living like a carefree teenager while knowing I'm here cyring for and missing him
Well, he DOES get to know because I have told him over the past month but he doesn't get to keep having that mental picture. I have to stop. It's my own fault. I get weak at times.
Pink, yes. This is very hard for all of us. The pain is still very raw. And yes, some of the things 25 Years says are like....ouch! But I know she does it to help me and others not make the same mistakes just like you and AnnaB have said to me as well.
I am thankful you all take the time to give me your hard won advice. I just hope you remember how hard it is at the beginning. I really do want to gather up everyones gems of knowledge and be super strong and move on and leave him to his own mess.
I hear you guys all say the same thing. Let him go. Work on you. It's the best chance you have. And then I mess up. Not so good.
I want to be a better me. A version of me that would not take this from any man and would walk away and not cling.
I hope you and the boys were okay during the snow storm.
Rain...It's been 5 months since BD, and I'm just barely beginning to move forward. Don't be too hard on yourself. It takes as long as it takes. It's not like you're getting over a forgotten birthday, or something like that (as hurtful as that is!) You're attempting to come to grips with an overnight change regarding the one person you believed would never hurt you. That's huge. We all start moving forward when we can. You'll get there. I promise!
Yes me being able to sleep is huge. I think it's because, off and on, I have been dealing with this for over 2 years. I am up to a solid 4 to 5 hours a night. Not where I need to be but a lot better than when I couldn't sleep at all.
The why's are killing me. There is a piece of my (our) life that I wish I could tell you guys. But IRL if anyone in our world stumbled upon this BB it would blow my cover as it were. But I wish I could as it was a tragedy that came and started this change in him. But the why is not something I believe even he knows.
And you are correct. Why and how questions put him on the defensive. His responses are never actual responses either. It's always why do you....or how could you....and he will say.....well because I'm a POS or because I am a bad person.
As far as the kids. I can absolutely be more present. But I have done so much better this time. I actually have good days and even on my bad ones I do my best to not show them. We get out of the house and we do fun things together.
GALing and detaching have been hard for me though.
As far as R talks we don't really have them. It's more me crying or drunk texting (when my girlfriend was here) and him ignoring me or "defending" himself.
In one of my more not so AS IF moments I text him that he has made me feel like nothing. Chasing the ow and these girls that can be our daughters has made me feel less than.
He responded with a very long text (not like him at all- usually many short texts as he thinks of things) that he is sorry he made me feel like that. That I am an intelligent, beautiful, strong woman. That he loves me and our kids and he has always done his best to give us what we need and want. And it was never his intention to hurt me. And also that he just doesn't want to fight about his A pr what OW said and that he may be on those sites but he has not met anyone in person.
I felt even worse after that text. I was mortified I actually told him that. That I gave him that peek into myself. That's when I started back on my going as dark as I can path. Just answered short yes/no/okay kind of texts back. Now he suddenly is coming to see the kids. When I want him here he forgets we exist. When I'm humiliated by my own hand then go dark, he wants to show up. It's maddening.
I will look for the PMA videos on YouTube. And I want to GAL...and to detach so badly. i want to not let his choices and words affect me. i want to be happy again and just get over the fact that he has hurt me. That Inatead of fighting for me and our family after the OW did the BD that he has chosen to turn to those sites instead and leave us to pick up the pieces alone. But it's hard. So very hard.
And though I too at times feel ours is a hopeless situation there are other times I do have a little hope. That he will wake up and fight for me and our babies. That he will be truly remorseful. But that is something that won't be happening anytime soon if at all.
The homeless man. That's why I love New York I get the analogy though.
I am no saint. This I admit. I have many things I need to work on. And I have started to. I do get sidetracked but I am working on them. I fear he never will. It breaks my heart. But I can't force change on him.
I do need advice on how to handle him if he shows up today. I want to be honest here even though it makes me look like a sap. I have either been super sad when he is around. Not crying but sad. I reek of hurt. Or...I retreat to my bedroom and ignore him. Both of which he hates and has a problem with.
If I am sad. Then he says I can never be present and enjoy the moment for what it is. I can't have fun.
If I ignore him. I am trying to punish him.
Only 1 time was I able to pull off acting light and breezy and smiled a lot. And was texting a friend which he did not like. I guess because it looked like maybe I was happy because I was talking to a man?
But truthfully I was only able to do it because he wasn't here for very long.
