ILYNILWY and it's done? Gift of 1 month

[Butterc]

Thank you JellyB. I do need that reminder about the self compassion.

Mutatio, Now that I'm awake, I feel I can tell my sitch. Last week, WAS told me he wanted our child to stay overnight and if that was ok. He didn't mean the 2nd part, I know. I replied that I hate the days I am without her and that isn't what I signed up for.

So I know why he texted what he did. I was very angry that evening and it was obvious. He's either getting help or reading communication techniques b/c his text was very matter-of-fact. Lots of I feel statements and boundary setting.

Now, I have very rarely expressed anger in our marriage. It really was that good. We could talk, agree or disagree. So what I'm saying is he has very little experience with my anger. And now he's getting the full brunt of it.

I had an old wooden chair outside that I've been saving for a rainy day. Well, it rained last week. I went at it with a shovel for 20 minutes until it was kindling, all the while calling him every name in the book. I was a supportive wife for almost 20 years, working around a demanding schedule, keeping the family fires burning, finances, maintenance, as well as our child's education. Look what that got me. Anyway this is what I was thinking during Decimation-Adirondack-chair Day.

I guess I was happy he wasn't there to have to make a choice to knock his head off.

So my anger is deep. And he can't deal. And I am being all dish-raggy and feel guilty! I even texted an apology. I also asked him if he was going to come by when I was at work to walk the dog. He didn't answer my text for 45 minutes which was past bedtime. I went to bed angry, woke up at 3 AM, and texted him a sarcastic remark - something related to his not answering me and now I'm up and seething.

Then with a clearer head this morning I texted an apology for the sarcastic 3AM comment and promised not to anger-text again.

I am having trouble letting him go. And I told him so. And I said ILY, but didn't stick around for a reply.

Last night child and I wept together. She saw me crying when I was texting him and that set her off. She is super angry with him too. He gets defensive when she expresses herself.

I gave him 2 weeks to come up with a financial plan,
( otherwise I'm calling my atty.) He is spending quite a bit on new things for his apt. I think his paychecks are going into a private acct. I have become dependent like I have never been, and flailing at my loss of control.

Today, I'm just sad.