Zues, you're right. It's so hard to think straight about things any more and we mirror our spouse's selfishness far too much. It's so hard to break out of but you see it clearly (or more clear than we do). Not for lack of the same principles (at least for me) only lack of anything left in us to think straight. The heart with all its hurt gets in the way of thinking straight.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Zues, you don't read your old posts any more, but I do. In fact, just two days ago I quoted you about vows and what they mean. Thank you for reminding me of them. As Kyrie said, sometimes we need a reminder or two.
Me43 W39 M 12y,T 15y S09,S07 Bomb Jun14 Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15 Share bed Mar/May15 Reconcile Jun15 Aug15 W sais D will happen D told to kids Sept15 W moved out with kids 01 October15
Julie, I regret posting this on your thread. I should've posted it on my thread and then just referenced it on yours. The way this reads looks like I am 2x4ing you with a force totally out of line for your DBing efforts and the progress you've made. Feelings are feelings, but your actions and behavior which in the end is all that matters have been nothing short of exemplary to anyone in the DB community.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I thought about what you said, but I did not feel affronted.
It did help me to reflect upon something important. That when I get that anger for husband it is usually occuring when kids are not with me and I am feeling unproductive and lonely. What I thought about, was that I often felt this anger at husband during marriage when things were not going smoothly for me. Instead of looking at myself and my Own failures I unfairly blamed him ( projection?) . Maybe more so in my mind but of course it would come out somehow.
The truth is I want nothing more then for you to be right about my situation. Because then there would be a chance for my family to not be destroyed. I Am constantly trying to make myself into a bad guy in order to justify my husband's leaving us. I would take a clumsy committed guy anytime that hasn't cheated. That's actually why I went for my husband...I trusted him because he was the guy that was opposite of "smooth".
Only thing is that my husband was not committed. He left us and I am beyond hurt.
Often I want him to hurt like I did and do because in my mind that's only fair. Occasionally I have compassion for him ( and that usually is after I read a post from you) and that feels much better. I continue to appreciate your perspective and your willingness to hold up that mirror for me.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I am limping at present JulieH, so forgive me if this comes out all jumbled and clumsy.
I felt compelled to write something to you today, after reading V's thread and your insightful post to her and I wanted to tell you just how fabulous you really are.
There are a number of woman on this board whose attributes I so aspire to and you Julie are one them. You have a clarity of mind and word, you are able to get to the nub of something so quickly, respectfully and balanced. You are poised and smart and emotionally intelligent. But your quitely strong minded.
I waffle and wallow in my thoughts and life alot of the time. Consistently lost in a sea of emotion. I reach around blindly in the emotional dark. I feel marshmellow and weak constantly. See I would love to have your clarity of mind and spirit.
It is likely unkind and unempathatic of me to not fully acknowledge your pain and vulnerablity in this. Because you are mendering through places that likely scare the bejeezes out of you. I do I see and feel it. But guess I only ever look at your sitch and see you overcoming.
Please don't ever forget just how fabulously smart and wonderful you are.
I am sorry if this post is badly timed. I guess all I say is, I want to be like you when I grow up.
Thank you so much. (Funny because I wish I was as imaginative, pretty, whimsical and intellectual as you!)
Although a bit hard to agree with the growing up part, when I am sitting here creating super hero/divorce buster analogies in my mind I think of posters like yourself, zues, Fo and some others as the super heroes. The good guys. Thinking and doing good unto others. Following the divorce busting rules the way they are meant to be followed. Humble and Willing to make sacrifices and endure humility for the long term good. Sticking through their committments at all costs.
I don't think I would necessarily be a super villain but certainly not a super hero. Maybe an anti heroine. You see, I would secretly be happy to see some money from banks being stolen and perhaps distributed to the poor. Would I take some for myself? Most likely I would. I almost certainly would seek revenge upon those i deemed deserved it. I would agree with and befriend a lot of the supervillains , but would never actively want to hurt any innocents. I would hang out with the superheroes with the hope that I too could achieve a sense of peace and make the right choices.
Thank goodness these forums are anonymous.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
So husband called and asked if I would like to go out for lunch or early dinner for my upcoming birthday with the kids. He also said he would like to take boys out so they could pick up gifts for me.
This was really nice. I don't think he ever took kids out to pick up presents for me. Then again they are getting older now. And i did that for him for Christmas so maybe he feels like he needs to reciprocate to show he is a good dad?
Of course, for those of you who have come to know me and my very negative demeanor, I am afraid to take this as anything. Truly I think this might be his way of paving a road for reconciliation but without being accused of leading me on. I think DB coach (can't get a session for a while) would say to act as if and be a friend. It's so hard for me to not point out the apparent. I hate pretenses but I know that's what people have to do.
Could also be that he wants to show that we will be great at coparenting. We all went out for his birthday at his request several months ago, the day after his birthday because he was celebrating with friends and he was sullen and a few weeks later when I asked he told me he did not want to reconcile. So this could just be something weird he wants to do to put on pretenses for kids?
I think the only way I will think he is serious is if he asks me to go out alone somewhere. I am just doing nothing right now. No initiating, no questions, no complaints, no relationship talk. Still am mad at him though but trying to swallow it. I am positive he feels just as mad.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I agree you shouldn't have high expectations or attach to a certain outcome. But don't go to the other extreme and cling to a negative narrative either. H is reaching out in a big way. To what purpose, who knows, maybe he doesn't either and is trying to see how it goes. Show him a woman only a fool would leave. You're not auditioning for your marriage...you are married, and trying to be a good wife as long as this remains the case. Good job Julie.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Isn't that just like the Universe Julie. Here you are joking about the anti-heroine you are and the universe provides you an opportunity to unfurl that cape of yours, hands on hips, chest puffed out, undies on the outside, just to see what side your on. Timing is everything. Lesson, be careful what you joke about.
I think of posters like yourself, zues, Fo and some others as the super heroes. The good guys. Thinking and doing good unto others. Following the divorce busting rules the way they are meant to be followed. Humble and Willing to make sacrifices and endure humility for the long term good. Sticking through their committments at all costs.