New Year..Need new goals

[25yearsmlc]

Rain,

Sorry for the length of this but I used your post to address some things, point by point.

Hope you can hang in there with me.

I'm so crushed. I've been crying all morning. After he left last night he didn't text to say goodnight or that he was home or anything he used to do. I immediately thought back to PA time and how only when he was with ow he wouldn't check in on us or say good night. But I tried not to think about it too much and I half watched a tv show. Read and finally fell asleep.



Baby steps...^^^ I mean, hey you did fall asleep! There were nights that I couldn't.

I know I'm direct & can be blunt. I just want you to avoid MY mistakes. Understand that of the 2 two- YEARS (!!) I spent separated and DBing, the first year was mostly wasted by my constant, relentless questioning...and my endless
asking

"Why??" "Why was h doing this? HOW could he? What was he thinking / feeling/doing / planning??", etc.

My DB coach, (God bless her!!), got me to see 2 things about the "Why/How can" questions: First -
those questions have NO "good" or satisfying or resolving or clarifying answers.
No answer will give you peace.

Secondly, asking anyone questions that begin with "WHY/HOW are you doing X?"
tends to make the person hearing them, feel defensive. This was news to me, but it resonated.

So, asking your bf, or yourself, those questions is not productive or helpful to YOU.

My asking my h those questions, at best was useless and at worst, he saw it as a form of attack.

Finally I stopped asking those questions. But asking them for so long was time that I wasted.

What still stings a little, is that it was a year of my children's lives...a year in which I could have been so much more present for them, so much more emotionally available and giving, had I not been so consumed by my pain.

I was so preoccupied and obsessed with wondering about h & our future (*instead of making a good "today" for me and my children), that the whole year is mostly negatively filled with painful memories...and annoyance at myself for being too busy asking unanswerable questions.

INSTEAD I could have spent that year moving forward into creating a more fulfilling, more loving life for all of us, a year sooner... Not to mention how my detachment and GAL made me a happier, more appealing woman and partner.

GAL and Detaching are not merely survival tactics or ways for us to learn to thrive (though God knows those are priorities).

Ironically, it is GAL & Detaching that help us increase our long term chances of marital success.
When you really take this^^ in, you'll be in a much better place. But you have to get yourself there.

This^^ is the piece of DBing that seems counter intuitive, at first.



I woke up to a long text saying he was glad he got to see us and he wants me to know that had I just let him be and let him get over what he needed to get over, and deal with his feelings for ow, we would have been in a better place now. But since I didn't that is the reason he kept ow in his life. And why we are where we are now.

And that's also why talking to and flirting with these girls makes him feel so good. It's easy and he never had that with me. He couldn't be himself with me because all I cared about was his A.


Wow, He is very good at rationalizing repeated, reprehensible behavior. In fact, instead of merely avoiding responsibility by never addressing the A's, or shoving them under the rug, now they're actually your fault.

Don't get sucked into his tornado of lunacy & blame.
It's HIS behavior at issue here, not yours.

And remember one of the big mantras around here, because it's true.

Believe Nothing they say, and only half of what they Do.


I guess I was supposed to spend the last 2 plus years with a smile on and give him space to enjoy his A. In his mind it wasn't the A or that having ow means he was wasn't committed to us, that is the reason our family is no more. It's apparently that I had a problem with it.

I haven't responded because how does one respond to something like that?

Indeed, how does one?

Rain, do yourself a favor and remember this^^ outrageous idiocy of his, when you get lonely (which you will be, for awhile) and when you begin to miss him (which you will do, for awhile).

Even for DB land, and even for wacky selfish WAS's, it's pretty "out there."

It's easy for me to say "don't take it personally", but I know it's hard not to. You tell yourself that this man knows you better than anyone, so if he's rejecting you, YOU must be somehow unlovable and undeserving.

Our deep & not so secret fear is that we really are, down deep, unworthy...and the "proof" is that our spouse/SO has left us.

But that^^ is a lie.


Your boyfriend's actions have been fairly clear.

He plays at happy family when it's not hard or too tiresome. He enjoys the "romance" and "magic" of pursuit and "FALLING in love" (a term that implies having no control & thus, no responsibility).

He gets his emotional or familial "fixes" periodically, at his convenience.

*** But in very basic terms, this is all about how your boyfriend cannot make and keep a commitment. ***

As long as you keep that*** in mind, that this is what it all boils down to, perhaps when pressed, you'll be able to respond BRIEFLY, at the appropriate times.

For now I'd engage in as little R talk as possible, or you'll go nuts.

He's spewing. Don't let it get on your shoes.




My heart hurts and I hate that this is how he feels and how he sees me and our time together.


The mantra "believe NOTHING he says and only half of what they do" applies.

Apply ^^ it.

Plus even if he does see this^^^ as his reality, that's not on you. I mean, do you think if your boyfriend "sincerely" yells that you're a "purple lesbian saber tooth tiger"... it makes it even a little bit true?

Besides, for a moment, let's review the "REALITY" of your Relationship's history.

You had children together & were in a monogamous relationship. He cheated.

There were only two ways the original affair & discovery could have been handled.

One is in which A) HE owned it (& to the extent that you may have neglected him or pushed him away, etc., you own your part---never equating it with an affair, but being honest about your own human flaws, etc.) AND

B) HE regained your trust,

AND C) YOU healed b/c he helped you feel safe and you two got past it.

THE OTHER PATH, AFTER THE ORIGINAL AFFAIR

HE does HIS part BUT YOU Did Not Get Past It... = you simply refused to let it go, you held it over his head & threw it in his face every time you felt insecure, which was way too often.

We know it's not easy to heal after an affair in the best of circumstances, and people backslide, etc.

But down deep, do you really believe YOU were unreasonably insecure & unforgiving?

Because based on what you've told us and which I believe,

HE did NOT do much of the "normal" healing after an affair behaviors. So NO, this cannot be your problem of re-hashing the past and you not getting past it.

This cannot be your fault b/c he never again made you feel safe.

HE DID NOT DO HIS part after HIS betrayal. Period.


If he's never been happy with me and I was so horrible then why didn't he just leave me and marry ow?

I wish I could click an unlove box and walk away from him emotionally. That text breaks my heart.

I'm sorry for your pain and loss. It's a brutal pain, but it's not eternal or fatal. And you have children who will someday have broken hearts & setbacks of their own, & will look to you for how to get thru it. And you will have some answers.

Believe me when I say this:

There will be a day when you are so sick & tired of feeling sick & tired, that you will turn a corner.

You will detach when you GAL for real, and move forward in your life, taking charge of it fully.
Having a Positive Mental Attitude is huge "PMA" and btw, there are 2 great TED Talk videos on youtube about how to get a PMA. One is by Amy Cuddy & the other is Shawn Achor and they are about positive psychology and there's a lot of data about how we can "fake it" til we BECOME it. I know professionals who claim to use parts of it in their business negotiations. (Those videos literally make me happy to watch them and they're only about 20 min each. I highly recommend them.)

ANYHOW...

Here's a true story to illustrate why you must NOT take his words personally...

When I first got out of law school, I worked in the big city. I took the subway. There was a homeless man who lived near the subway stop, on one of those heating grates/grills.

Anyhow, this homeless "grill" man hated me. Truly, he'd leap up whenever he saw me and he'd yell at full volume, incredibly gross vulgarities. (Weird ones, too). Super creepy.
I suppose I reminded him of someone he disliked b/c he really truly seemed to target ME....and btw, I was about 26, & looking about as good as I ever did, which is to say, truthfully, I looked good. As superficial as it sounds, his detesting me was baffling.
The guy would point me out and berate me!

I was young & very concerned about my "lawyerly appearance" and being professional, etc. So I would look at my clothes (I always wore boring/professional suits, carried the leather briefcase, you know, the whole deal about looking the part, etc) and hair, my glasses, shoes, "too much make up??"

I used to wonder what I had done or who I looked like, to "make him so upset". I literally wondered about what behaviors I had done to "make him mad"... !!

One day at lunch I was outside with my boss & we saw the homeless guy. I kid you NOT, the grill man began screaming at me again!

So my boss (a truly nice guy) saw my discomfort.
He made a joke about how the guy must be my "old boyfriend & how I'd broken his heart, etc" and it hit me then how silly (and neurotic) it was of ME, for taking any responsibility for "making" an insane man's behavior, MY problem! I mean, wth?

What your boyfriend is saying to you about HIS choices...isn't so very different, is it?

I mean, it's annoying as he11. I get that. But again, this isn't really about YOU.

It's that he's a serial cheater, & an unrepentant one.

The bad news is that it does not bode well for your long term happiness with him.

The good news is that you are empowered with insight & the wonderful ability to change your life & future with your 3 blessed children. And we are all rooting for you.

[Pink17]

Rain,

Hope you find yourself in a better place today. Btw, I kind find myself in a big mess snow shower today, and it socks!

I love this woman Rain, 25yearsmlc is one of my favorite here, some people don't like her straight forward way of seeing and saying things, but IMO she is down to earth. Maybe it is my love for the law and that world, those kind of people.

Anyway, we have pointed here our mistakes, naked truth that tough us big lessons and made us to rediscover the giant great woman that was just hiding inside of us, dormant, sleeping.

Take to the heart some of the advices, think about them and look at yourself in the mirror to see who you are, where you are in your life and start the baby steps to who you want to be and where you want your life to be.

We all the time remind you that we totally understand the pain because it is one of the most hurtful things that happen to us, but with time and information we can change the scenario and become the real happy person we are all meant to be.

Believe and love yourself today, it will help you to build a beautiful person you will be tomorrow.

Love and hugs,
Pink

[Cadet]

bump

[annab74]

Hi Rain...just wanted to stop in and check on you. How is everything going?

[Zues126]

Rain, I'll catch up soon. Sorry to hijack but wanted to see if I can get 25years to jump in on Kyrie's thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2638316&page=5

[Rain75]

No worries Zues....Pink..Anna...25Years and everyone else. I will get back to you all soon. My friend came earlier than expected and brought her son as well as her BF. They are leaving in a few hours.

And boy oh boy after seeing them together it made me both happy and sad. He is clearly in love with her. And since mines cell phone has always been my trigger it was nice to see a man that not only doesn't have a password on his phone but also doesn't blink an eye when he walks in the room and she's showing me pictures on his phone.

I have been doing a lot of reading over the past few days though. And now my X wants to come see the kids tomorrow. I didn't say anything but okay. But wow. What's he has done has really affected my self esteem. And it bothers me that he can go for days without even asking about them...weeks without seeing them but pops up when he wants.

I don't want to keep them from seeing him though hence my saying okay.

[inpain]

And boy oh boy after seeing them together it made me both happy and sad. He is clearly in love with her.

Bless you, I know exactly what you mean. It is hard and bittersweet to see couples in love right now. I struggle with this every time I set foot out of the door. I suppose on the other hand it gives us something to aspire to?!

And since mines cell phone has always been my trigger it was nice to see a man that not only doesn't have a password on his phone but also doesn't blink an eye when he walks in the room and she's showing me pictures on his phone.

WOW! How I wish that was my H! Yours sounds like mine in that if I even had to borrow his phone to use because mine was flat or something he would be clearly stressed and looking to see what I was pressing. Why, if there's nothing to hide? Your friend's BF/H sounds wonderful, why can't they all be like him?

I have been doing a lot of reading over the past few days though. And now my X wants to come see the kids tomorrow. I didn't say anything but okay. But wow. What's he has done has really affected my self esteem. And it bothers me that he can go for days without even asking about them...weeks without seeing them but pops up when he wants.

I don't want to keep them from seeing him though hence my saying okay.

Yes, this is tough isn't it. It is so very tempting to stop him but as we are good Mothers to our children we don't. We are the bigger people here and are doing the right thing. We have to because, let's face it, they are not!

[Rain75]

Inpain....the couples outside are hard to watch for sure. But these guys were in my house for a few days. He chased her down for a good morning kiss and she ran because she hadn't brushed her teeth yet. He said he didn't care..he loves her either way.

And all the pet names. Uhhh. And the phone thing..yes! Mine would always let me. Then suddenly there was a code and if I said a word I was trying to invade his privacy. And the one time he did let me use his he was the same as your H.

I walk around when I talk. i multi task. Clean...cook...etc. He followed me everywhere. But yea, nothing to hide. Uh huh.

I am happy for her. She went through a sitch similar to all of ours. It was awful. So she deserves this. I love her and hope to be at their wedding. But it was hard to see in the midst of my pain.

And yes...I so wanted to say thanks but no thanks. But what good does that do my kids? I'd rather not see him at all knowing what he is doing. But they come first. And he refused to answer me as to what time he will be here and how long he planned to stay. I only asked twice. Then I dropped it. Then hours later he text me to say....i don't know the times guess you'll just have to tell your new BF daddy's coming and he can't see you for a while.

I seriously wanted to drive there and slap the living hell out of him. Uh hypocrite much? Such an ass. I ignored him instead. We're going out to grocery shop in a bit then they're leaving. After i cook dinner and bathe the kids and their bed time. I will be back on here in full force.

Especially with him coming tomorrow. I need advice because I'd like to kick him when he walks in but I'm guessing Thats a DB no-no.

[Ancaire]

Then hours later he text me to say....i don't know the times guess you'll just have to tell your new BF daddy's coming and he can't see you for a while.



Especially with him coming tomorrow. I need advice because I'd like to kick him when he walks in but I'm guessing Thats a DB no-no.

Rain? What does this mean? Why does he think you have a new BF? Is he spying on you? What on earth...

What kind of advice are you looking for? You already know kicking him is out - but why are you angry, and what do you want to convey?

[Rain75]

Hi Ancaire!

Im angry because he is a cheating sob and ignores the kids and wants to pop up when it's convenient.

And his BF dig pisses me off because is that not just a tad bit hypocritical when he is the one that signed up for 5 dozen hook up sites after the OW let me know everything? It's not like he's remorseful and helping me pick up the pieces. Or trying to make our family work after this. Nope he is immersed in 20 year olds.

So 1 he is not spying on me. That would take too much effort and time away from his new super awesome single life

2 there is no new BF. But as I read here once...a theif always thinks everyone else steals. So if I ask for time frames it's obviously because I have someone....in his mind. He was unfaithful...IS unfaithful without a reason and since I have reason (his words after OW debacle) then he feels justified in believing I found someone new. Twisted.

And advice because I was instructed going as dark as possible with kids is the way to go. But now he will be here for at least a couple of hours if not more.

And yea I figured kicking him was going to be vetoed.