Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[inpain]

Sorry, Inpain. I feel that I am coming across to you as attacking you. I'm not. I just feel every ounce of the pain you are going through every time you write, and being the mom I am, I want it to go away...NOW. I know you do, too.

Ciluzen, please, you don't need to apologise at all. I don't see it as you're attacking me, I know you want the best for me and that you are trying to make me see what I cannot because I am too close and involved, and I am grateful to you.

All you can do is hug them, love them and trust that they will get through it. YOU will get through it. And YOU will show them how.

I am certainly doing lots of hugging them and they are hugging me lots too. I just wish they didn't have to go through this and it does make me angry with H. How can he do this to them? is a question I ask myself a lot.

I know you worry that if you aren't there interacting with him that he won't see your changes. But by not being there and interacting, by saying "have fun! I'm off for a walk with my friends!", aren't you already showing him change?

If I had friends to go on a walk with it would show him change lol but sadly I don't. I did manage to make him do a double take yesterday though. I have always hated filling the car up with fuel. I don't know why, it's silly really, but I tend to go into a panic about not being able to get the fuel cap off, filling the car with the wrong fuel, etc. Anyway, because of this I have never filled our car up, ever. Yesterday I decided to take the kids out on the spur of the moment. It was over an hour's drive away and there wasn't enough fuel so I filled the car! Yay me lol! When H came round the kids told him where we'd been and he looked puzzled and asked if there was enough fuel in the car. I told him I filled up before we left and his jaw hit the floor. I laughed internally. He had to ask if I had put the right fuel in so I joked with him and with a dead pan face told him I'd put the one in that I knew was wrong. He wasn't sure for a second lol. It was good to know I'd surprised him anyway.

Giving space doesn't have to mean you don't see each other. You will still greet him when he sees the kids. But you will limit your interactions. And if those limited interactions are pleasant, more and more he will remember only good things about you. Give this time. Give him space.

I hope you're right, I really do. Giving this time is the hardest thing. Every waking minute is so difficult to get through and I am so drained. I can't imagine how I will feel a few months from now if I am already drained after 2 months. I know I'm trying to hurry this along, I just want to get to the end already. I know, it's a marathon not a sprint, but I've never been any good at either!

Again, I care about you. You are my strength buddy. We both need to remind ourselves, this takes time and understanding. Its a learning process. But we have to walk through the pain, there is no way around it. And we have to drag our children with us through it because we are mothers, but because we are mothers we will show them only our strength in facing it. GAL and detach. Teach them those things, too.

Thank you so much Ciluzen, I'm glad that you're here.