Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[inpain]

Inpain
Oh and I understand your choice in your name... It is very painful. It's harder seeing our children hurt in such a way and we are helpless to get them what they want and fix this.

Yes, it is. This time round is so much harder than last time because of seeing our children hurting so much and being in the middle of it all.

Your H did this already on a smaller version years ago. This is part 2 because he did not figure himself out the first time around. I know you want to just hold him and talk some sense into him. Sadly you can't. Your kids crying is also ineffective on him.

Yes, I think also, looking back, I made the mistake of letting him back in to easily. He didn't really have to do any work, in fact he didn't do much at all to fix things. You're right about the kids crying being ineffective - in fact, it makes him freeze like a frightened rabbit and he looks like he's never seen a person cry before! Harsh wake up calls perhaps that he cannot handle?

I don't think you are using your children to get your H back. You just want them to be happy and have their daddy back full time. Nothing wrong in wanting your family back together.

Thank you so much for saying this. I am still so very confused about if that is what I am doing or not. It is so hard to cast my own pain and feelings aside to ensure everything is best for them. Begins to feel like the LBS doesn't matter at all.

You also have to ask yourself. Your H right now... Would you date him as he is today. I know I wouldn't date my W. She is not the person I loved for years. She's narcissist and zero values. she has a long way to go. They have to change too and the only way they can do that is working on themselves.

Hmmm...interesting that you should say this. I'm not sure I would date my H now actually. That makes me scared and sad! How was I so deceived back then? Or has he just changed? I know he is not the father I thought he'd be and that has been the problem from my side (if we don't count his OW dalliances that is).

On days your kids don't see and it's not planned that they see their dad. Try keeping them busy. Get them so tired with fun that they fall asleep at the end of the day with happy faces. so important to GAL. You need to do this for you aswell. Your kids are watching.

I did this yesterday and it was great! I suddenly remembered somewhere I had wanted to go during the October school holiday and we went yesterday on the spur of the moment. It was great to be outdoors with them, having fun and we all seemed brighter for it. Going out just the three of us is nothing new. H's working hours are so dreadful that we have gone out more times just the three of us than as a family of four anyway.

It's a great thing their dad wants to be a part of their lives. It has to be your rules.
Don't worry about upsetting him. He left. You are the parent here. He needs to step up and help you raise those kids. Him watching them is a great idea and you go out to GAL. But in my case when W was in and out of my house and was alone with the kids... She never fed them or talked to them. She was on her phone or in another room.

It's tricky isn't it. I can't say he's helping to raise them. I'm doing all of that, he is just turning up for the fun bits. He had them for a whole day last week while I was at work. He did feed them, but other than that S and D said he just sat looking at his tablet all day and they entertained themselves. Great! You'd think now more than ever he'd make more of an effort with them.

How are you financially? Is he paying any support to you and the kids.
Protect your assets. Monitor the bank accounts and seperate them. Stop any joint accounts and credit cards. Protect yourself and your kids.

At the moment nothing has changed financially. A little more money going out because H is buying separate food to us at his Dad's but everything else remains the same as when he was here. When I tried to talk to him about it before Christmas he said we didn't need to sort that side of things yet. He says he isn't bothered about money, just doesn't want to be with me. Ouch.

Really wish you strength . You are not alone and I see you are getting a lot of advise.

Thanks so much Irish! I really do appreciate your input as you are a lot further down the road than me and have a lot to cope with.