Hi Everyone, this is my first post and I'm in a bad situation. I'm 42, she's 39 and we have a little girl we adopted who is now almost 3. We've been married 10 years. We moved across country in 8 years ago to be closer to my wife's parents to where she grew up. I left behind friends and family.
We ended up working for my wife's family with the goal to take over their business in about 3 years (hasn't happened yet). Anyway, it was a poor fit for me and I was unhappy. I delved into my hobbies and we slowly stopped having sex. We were trying to have kids at the time and we were having problems. I've had a porn problem since I was a teen and the internet doesn't make it easier. Also getting older doesn't help the libido much, especially when your wife is your boss and you see her almost every hour of the day. Once we adopted our daughter, I cut back on work to 25-30 hrs per week to spend more time with her and help with the housework. I became pretty resentful and unhappy.
Anyway, the fighting started this summer and it got pretty intense. She brought up something weird: we should try an open marriage. I was pissed and she back peddled saying she said it to hurt me. Anyway, I pretty much withdrew but found out around Halloween she brought a client over for dinner while I was out of town visiting family. I was suspicious of them before and even confronted her about it. She of course denied it. I hacked into her computer and found out she had strong feelings for him and wanted more. It sounded like he broke it off though and she realizes a mistake. Anyway, I confronted her about it and we've been sleeping in separate rooms since. I also quite my job at the family business and found a new career but it won't pay nearly as much and won't take off until April.
Wife said a couple of months ago we should separate. I said I needed more time to get my career in order and to work on myself. However, she wants to move on and says life is too short. She suggested we buy a smaller 2nd home for me to live in. She acknowledges I helped her get to where she is today (she made $100K last year) and she says she owes me. However, it doesn't feel right for me to leave when she's breaking up the family. I know I can't afford the $1400/mo mortgage of our current house and rent in our area is scarce (isolated resort area) with rent for a small apt being about $700/mo.
I'm not sure what to do. I was going to hold out and try to turn her around but I'm suspecting she's having another emotional affair with someone else. Lot's of texting, single guy, good looking, fit. I confronted her about it and she said she was only sending him LOTR memes because he liked the trilogy. I found it really odd and her body language made me suspicious like before when I confronted her about her first affair. I could be wrong though.
She keeps saying we are best friends and she misses me at the office but she still wants to split. Her sister, who had 2 physical affairs under her husband's nose, just split with her husband over Thanksgiving and her therapist is an advocate for divorce (wife told me this, therapist is biased). She definitely has a cheer leading team. I'm pretty isolated from support. I have to phone family and friends since they are all out of state and I haven't really made many new friends in her hometown. I felt awkward working for my in-laws and it's a really small town. I'm trying to change that now, getting out more and joining groups.
Anyway, I'm tired of living this way. I don't want to split up my family but I also don't want to be suspicious all of the time and live with someone that doesn't want me back. I don't respect her anymore for doing this to us. I read the 37 rules for what to do about a WAW and they make sense. I'm actually detaching a lot right now, mostly because I feel angry and I'm not interested in being around her right now. Detaching is pretty easy but I know I'll feel that pull when I get weak.
I think I have all of the important stuff in there. Let me know if I need to fill in the blanks.
M41 W39 D3 Open Marriage Request by W 6/15 BD 9/15 1st EA 10/15 2nd EA discovered: 1/16 I moved out: 1/16 2nd EA blew apart 2/16 PA 4/16 I've had enough, filing for D
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks Cadet for the links. I've been reading through them and they are helpful.
We are sleeping in different rooms. At first I was in the spare room and offering to go into the basement. Around Thanksgiving, I called the guy she was having her first emotional affair with and told him that I knew. After that, I told her I was sleeping in the master bedroom and I've been there since.
I'm thinking a bigger separation might be necessary for both of us. I spoke with an attorney and he said that the courts in my state don't consider abandonment if one of the spouses leaves the home. Most divorces are decided through meditation anyway.
I'll probably be negotiating a separation this week but I'm trying to decide which approach to take: stay in the marital home, get an appt, or agree to buy a 2nd smaller place. Like I said, my income is nil for the next 2 or 3 months. Maybe I should just buy myself more time and just stay in separate rooms, I'm not quite sure yet...
M41 W39 D3 Open Marriage Request by W 6/15 BD 9/15 1st EA 10/15 2nd EA discovered: 1/16 I moved out: 1/16 2nd EA blew apart 2/16 PA 4/16 I've had enough, filing for D
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
As Cadet said, stay in the home and in the bedroom. You also need friends. Go to meetup.com and find a group that interests you. You said you had hobbies, maybe a group that shares one of these hobbies with you, so it is an authentic interest of yours but builds your social circle. Keep posting and read the links ASAP.
You should not leave the master bedroom or the marital home. You are smart to recognize that she has a separation cheer leading squad. Try not to let that bother you. Sadly, the sister's divorce biased therapist is all too common.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Can I ask for the reason for staying in the marital home? I'm having trouble with navigating on a laptop and it's a real bear on my iphone, otherwise I'd search the forum.
M41 W39 D3 Open Marriage Request by W 6/15 BD 9/15 1st EA 10/15 2nd EA discovered: 1/16 I moved out: 1/16 2nd EA blew apart 2/16 PA 4/16 I've had enough, filing for D
Brutus, Welcome to the best place to be in the worst time. My sitch is new, so I won't offer advice and let the veterans do that.
I hope you find reading the boards and posting helpful. This Newcomers Board is very, very active. You will post something in the morning and if, for whatever reason, it's not generating many replies, you may find your post 5 pages in.
Keep posting your updates. Lots of readers on this board that don't post replies... it is so busy. You are being heard.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
