Here I am still

[ARose]

JellyB, I am so touched by your post. I had no idea you "knew" me so well and your words are so unbelievably comforting and helpful to me. I "like" the me that you describe, and I have struggled so hard to get here. So thank you.

Kyrie, you are going to have trouble finding my early posts. I changed my name and switched accounts because I posted too much personal information. I can give you hints if you are interested.

Kyrie, your number one priority right now has to be to get yourself out of crisis mode. You are not going to please H or make him feel "loved" now whatever you do. He is dealing with his own issues and he is using you as a punching bag for all of his hurt and fear and anger. You are still looking for the magic phrase or the magic response that will make him stop spewing, and there isn't one. You are still trying to fix this, and you can only fix yourself. I read somewhere and posted here a month or so a quote that I found helpful. It was "The first step for climbing out of hole is to stop digging." You need to stop digging.

Dropping the rope for me means that my emotions are not connected to H's. I can still smile and ask him how about his day, I can still serve him dinner, sleep in bed next to him, talk about finances or the kids. Even go out to dinner or watch a movie together sitting next to him on the sofa. But if he is in a good mood, or sends me a text, or smiles at me, my heart doesn't race and my thoughts don't start going in the direction of "Things are improving! This is a good sign! How can I repeat this interaction!" I just think "OK, that's nice." And it doesn't set up shop in my head. If he spews, if he makes a comment, if he gets into it with our daughter, that also doesn't start my thoughts down the path of "How can I stop him? How can I make him less angry? How can I validate?" Yes I do validate because that has become to an extent the way I communicate now. But I don't really think about it much anymore. My emotions are not connected to his behavior.

Surround yourself with people, things, ideas that are good for you. Be a loving person towards your H because you are a loving person. Not because it will "fix him" or calm his anger, not because he deserves it, (or doesn't), but because this is who you are. But be a loving person towards yourself at the same time. Your life matters, your day, each day, matters. Today matters. You can have a great day today even if H is angry. Even if he has visited a strip club or blames you or spews at you. You are in charge of your day, your mood, your life.

Get out of his way if he is preventing you from taking care of yourself. Come home late, work your schedule so you are out when he is in, or if it comes down to it, ask him to get his own place. But do this from a place of self-love and respect for yourself, not an ultimatum and not in anger. You need to manage your life.

And, yes, I agree with all who suggest you get professional help. Take care of yourself Kyrie. And keep posting.

[ARose]

Also, Kyrie, there was a post Zues wrote about "playing 10's" that really helped me. Maybe he can link you to it? Sometimes just hearing something a certain way, or in certain words can help an idea "click" and his post helped me.

[kyrie]

So much to catch up on...I'm still going through Fo.2's stuff and really relate to her (and Painter, and and and). Have to admit, I assumed JellyB was a man at first (oops, many apologies - dunno why I thought that).
Anyway, I keep coming back to a few things. One, my H has always been kinda this way, so this is not just some A fog, etc. That is why I think ...well, the way I do about a lot of things. I think it is impossible to "get space" the way things are here, unless one of us leaves.
The plan thing sounds helpful. I know I've gyrated because I get caught up in stuff and lose focus. And I'm swirling in the vortex so I'm not sure how helpful I'll be...but I'll try to jump in, where I can. Remember, I have to be VERY surrepticious (sneaky). Asking for advise from others would nearly equivocate to him going to other women...well, how's that for irony.

Zues, sometimes your insights are surprisingly clear which I need. Also, it is so refreshing to hear you talk about committment, loyalty, etc. the way you do. It's easy to get cynical but you *get it*. My H used to talk that way too.
About fake..."do what's right" - that's the place where I need more clarity: according to him what is right is one thing.
IN any sitch in our M, he is always right. He's the "head", the H, and so I just need to only do as he says. Right or wrong, that's what is *right*. So that means I have to take his spew and just apologize for being anything less than perfect. That is his 'narrative' or whatever. That's what has created so much confusion.
SO, how do I do what's right??

[kyrie]

JellyB, I am so touched by your post. I had no idea you "knew" me so well and your words are so unbelievably comforting and helpful to me. I "like" the me that you describe, and I have struggled so hard to get here. So thank you.

Kyrie, you are going to have trouble finding my early posts. I changed my name and switched accounts because I posted too much personal information. I can give you hints if you are interested.

Kyrie, your number one priority right now has to be to get yourself out of crisis mode. You are not going to please H or make him feel "loved" now whatever you do. He is dealing with his own issues and he is using you as a punching bag for all of his hurt and fear and anger. You are still looking for the magic phrase or the magic response that will make him stop spewing, and there isn't one. You are still trying to fix this, and you can only fix yourself. I read somewhere and posted here a month or so a quote that I found helpful. It was "The first step for climbing out of hole is to stop digging." You need to stop digging.

Dropping the rope for me means that my emotions are not connected to H's. I can still smile and ask him how about his day, I can still serve him dinner, sleep in bed next to him, talk about finances or the kids. Even go out to dinner or watch a movie together sitting next to him on the sofa. But if he is in a good mood, or sends me a text, or smiles at me, my heart doesn't race and my thoughts don't start going in the direction of "Things are improving! This is a good sign! How can I repeat this interaction!" I just think "OK, that's nice." And it doesn't set up shop in my head. If he spews, if he makes a comment, if he gets into it with our daughter, that also doesn't start my thoughts down the path of "How can I stop him? How can I make him less angry? How can I validate?" Yes I do validate because that has become to an extent the way I communicate now. But I don't really think about it much anymore. My emotions are not connected to his behavior.

Surround yourself with people, things, ideas that are good for you. Be a loving person towards your H because you are a loving person. Not because it will "fix him" or calm his anger, not because he deserves it, (or doesn't), but because this is who you are. But be a loving person towards yourself at the same time. Your life matters, your day, each day, matters. Today matters. You can have a great day today even if H is angry. Even if he has visited a strip club or blames you or spews at you. You are in charge of your day, your mood, your life.

Get out of his way if he is preventing you from taking care of yourself. Come home late, work your schedule so you are out when he is in, or if it comes down to it, ask him to get his own place. But do this from a place of self-love and respect for yourself, not an ultimatum and not in anger. You need to manage your life.

And, yes, I agree with all who suggest you get professional help. Take care of yourself Kyrie. And keep posting.

Hi Fo - still trying to catch up.
If I were to avoid him he uses that as more spew fodder: that I'm controlling the conversation, that I don't want to deal with things, that I'm in la-la land and won't cooperate, etc.
I do see what you mean about not latching on to good or bad or what might 'fix' things - I have been too apt to latch on to that. It's hard because I'm suffocating. I'll take anything at this point and that's pathetic.
He sees all this. He interprets validation as patronization and smells it a mile away.
Again, if I suggest separation or that he get his own place while I deal with myself then that automatically means I'm controlling things. Which is not a 180. He can work that anytime he wants, KWIM?

[kyrie]

Fo2/Zues - I'm not finding the playing the 10s thing...

[trumpet]

Kyrie,

The head of the house is supposed to love his wife like Christ loves the church.
Did Christ spew venom on people (well, besides the pharasees?)
No.

I'm coming from a Biblical perspective. Others on this board will come from other perspectives.

Yes, if he is head of household, he can make choices. However, is he taking your opinion into the equation?

A good question to ask, and has been asked at work:

Are you a leader or a boss?

Are you pushing the people you're responsible for, or pulling them to be better?

Boss's push. Leaders pull.

It certainly sounds like your husband is a boss. He could well learn some lessons in leadership.

How to accomplish that is a big question.

I am dealing with a WW, and I want to tell her she's wrong all the time. I have a pride issue, and the only way I can solve it is to realize I'm broken, and I have lots of things to fix, so that we can build a better marriage. Cleaning up my side of the street. My wife will respect me if I don't disrespect her, and she will respect the counselors who tell her what she could work on. I could say the exact same words as our pastor or counselor, but without respect, my words will fall on deaf ears.

Thus, why I said find someone to talk to. Get to the heart of your husband through someone else's head.

[ARose]

JellyB, I am so touched by your post. I had no idea you "knew" me so well and your words are so unbelievably comforting and helpful to me. I "like" the me that you describe, and I have struggled so hard to get here. So thank you.

Kyrie, you are going to have trouble finding my early posts. I changed my name and switched accounts because I posted too much personal information. I can give you hints if you are interested.

Kyrie, your number one priority right now has to be to get yourself out of crisis mode. You are not going to please H or make him feel "loved" now whatever you do. He is dealing with his own issues and he is using you as a punching bag for all of his hurt and fear and anger. You are still looking for the magic phrase or the magic response that will make him stop spewing, and there isn't one. You are still trying to fix this, and you can only fix yourself. I read somewhere and posted here a month or so a quote that I found helpful. It was "The first step for climbing out of hole is to stop digging." You need to stop digging.

Dropping the rope for me means that my emotions are not connected to H's. I can still smile and ask him how about his day, I can still serve him dinner, sleep in bed next to him, talk about finances or the kids. Even go out to dinner or watch a movie together sitting next to him on the sofa. But if he is in a good mood, or sends me a text, or smiles at me, my heart doesn't race and my thoughts don't start going in the direction of "Things are improving! This is a good sign! How can I repeat this interaction!" I just think "OK, that's nice." And it doesn't set up shop in my head. If he spews, if he makes a comment, if he gets into it with our daughter, that also doesn't start my thoughts down the path of "How can I stop him? How can I make him less angry? How can I validate?" Yes I do validate because that has become to an extent the way I communicate now. But I don't really think about it much anymore. My emotions are not connected to his behavior.

Surround yourself with people, things, ideas that are good for you. Be a loving person towards your H because you are a loving person. Not because it will "fix him" or calm his anger, not because he deserves it, (or doesn't), but because this is who you are. But be a loving person towards yourself at the same time. Your life matters, your day, each day, matters. Today matters. You can have a great day today even if H is angry. Even if he has visited a strip club or blames you or spews at you. You are in charge of your day, your mood, your life.

Get out of his way if he is preventing you from taking care of yourself. Come home late, work your schedule so you are out when he is in, or if it comes down to it, ask him to get his own place. But do this from a place of self-love and respect for yourself, not an ultimatum and not in anger. You need to manage your life.

And, yes, I agree with all who suggest you get professional help. Take care of yourself Kyrie. And keep posting.

Hi Fo - still trying to catch up.
If I were to avoid him he uses that as more spew fodder: that I'm controlling the conversation, that I don't want to deal with things, that I'm in la-la land and won't cooperate, etc.
I do see what you mean about not latching on to good or bad or what might 'fix' things - I have been too apt to latch on to that. It's hard because I'm suffocating. I'll take anything at this point and that's pathetic.
He sees all this. He interprets validation as patronization and smells it a mile away.
Again, if I suggest separation or that he get his own place while I deal with myself then that automatically means I'm controlling things. Which is not a 180. He can work that anytime he wants, KWIM?

Kyrie, yes I do know what you mean which is why you need to take the space that YOU need to live your life in peace. You validate, he spews. You ask for space, he spews. Whatever you do, he is going to spew. So do what is best for you. I believe that would be getting away from the spew. How is it helping him or you to stand there and listen to the spew? Is being his punching bag diffusing the situation? Is it building his character or helping him heal? No. The spew is not good for you, it is wearing you out. Trust me on this, at a certain point you are going to crash if you continue to live with this level of high-intensity stress. You keep saying "I can't do X or Y because he will spew." You still think you are causing the spew. This is something he is going through, something about him, not you. He is spewing at you because it is easier for him to blame you than to look inwards at himself. You can not do that for him. By engaging him in this cycle you are enabling him to continue to do it. Take away his punching bag. Remove yourself physically from the spew. Of course he will spew about that too, but if you are not there to hear it, then he will be forced to deal with his emotions some other way. And in the meantime, you are still a loving person, still loving him in the ways that are authentic and non-degrading to you, like I said fixing him dinner, taking care of the family, greeting him nicely, offering words of comfort or appreciation as necessary. I am not saying go no-contact, just no spew.

[ARose]

And in the meantime, do a 180 on the things that are legitimate. Not all spew is legitimate, think about your relationship and the issues he has with you, and pick out the truth and do a 180 on those things. Don't tell him you are doing this, just do it. Maybe a counselor can help you sort through the issues and figure out which ones are the "real" ones. For example, my H while spewing kept saying cruel comments about my social skills, about me complaining too much about the IL's, about finances, about me not riding a bike, I say "you know" too much, and many, many more, some of them were solid points and some were outright ridiculous. I have worked on all of the above except for the biking, but really, some of these are not real issues. He was just spewing. I took every thing he said so personally that I worked on all of them. But if I sorted through what was real I would have saved so much effort and heart ache. Just because he has a complaint doesn't mean you need to do a 180. You pick and choose and use your own judgment.

[Zues126]

Kyrie, Fo has it right on.

You don't ignore or dismiss H's complaints.
You also don't accept everything he says as gospel.

You find a place of peace where you can hear it objectively. You listen to it. You validate it. You pray on it. Where there is legitimate need for growth, you open your heart up to change.

One tip on how to hear things objectively and avoid reacting to spew is in this link. It's a method I found to avoid being defensive or argumentative when facing unbelievably inappropriate statements:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post2558497

Of course, you are human, you can't change who you are, and even the stuff you can start working on you can't change overnight. So take it slow. This is a lifelong journey, not an overhaul. And of course don't do it with the expectation he'll notice or react differently. One good way to tell if you have expectations is by asking "if we weren't together would I still make these changes for me?" If the answer is 'no' then it's probably part of a controlled/controlling cycle rather than genuine desire for growth.

This is the card game I put together for my old buddy Pyrite:

I read your post this morning but had to work all day and then had kid time tonight, this was my first chance to get back to you. I really want to share a model that I think will help you out.

There were two people, you and your W. Let's pretend there's a game being played. You have 10 cards you can choose from, A low, 10 high. Each time either of you interact with each other you have to decide to play a card symbolizing how you treat each other. A 10 means you choose to be extremely loving, selfless, generous, noble, and operate from your highest spiritual self. A 5 means you're having an average day, you're on auto pilot, you may do some things for your mate but aren't really engaged. A 3 is negative, critical, impatient. Below that is the red zone where it becomes destructive, controlling, and potentially abusive.

In the beginning each of you plays a 10 card. You both feel good about the love you're feeling, and feel good about the love you're getting. Somehow that's hard to maintain with life getting in the way. Eventually you notice the cards she's playing are 5s and 6s. This is frustrating. You came to really like 10s. In fact, when she was playing 10 cards you felt really good. When she plays 5s and 6s you feel dissatisfied. You get frustrated that she won't play the 10s like she used to.

Disappointment leads to frustration. Frustration leads to hurt. Hurt leads to anger. Anger that isn't addressed builds into resentment. Next thing you know, you don't feel loving. You don't feel like playing 10s much either. In fact, you start to resent even having to play 5s and 6s yourself. It's not fair! Why should she get everything she wants and needs and for her to neglect you with a series of 5s? You can't be happy with 5s, and you would be with 10s, so really it's her failure to do her job that is the cause for your unhappiness. You start to play lower and lower cards. Partly because you are so resentful you can't stand the thought of giving her what she wants while you're not getting what you want. Partly to try to "get her attention", or show her that something is wrong. And partly because you just don't have the loving feelings that generate bigger loving numbers.

You NEED big numbers to be happy. She's failing. You must force her to play bigger numbers. There's only one strategy left. Time to play some 2s and A's. Put the hammer down. Make it clear this is unacceptable. Either you give me what I want and deserve or I will make things absolutely unbearable. Verbal abuse. Withholding affection. Critical comments. Bullying. Whatever.

***OK, STOP THE GAME A MINUTE***

I described how it felt to play this game. If someone asked "what type of guy are you, are you the kind of guy that plays A's or 10's or what?", you'd respond "I'm a GREAT guy, I'll play 10s or at least pretty big cards most of the time". If someone asked "why did you play so many A's and 2's the last couple of years? That looked borderline abusive", you'd reply "WHOA! That's NOT ME. That's not who I am! I only played those cards because SHE left me no choice! She was playing 3's and 4's and not loving me the way I need to be loved! If she had done HER JOB right I would've been HAPPY to respond with 7s, 9s, and a 10 now and then!"

So the whole issue in your mind was the way she treated you, and how it caused you to respond. You don't identify with you behavior because you see it as a reflection of her failure.

BUT THERE ARE SOME TRUTHS
-YOU ARE THE CARDS YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY. If you play A's and 2's, you are abusive. Doesn't matter why. If you kill someone you're a murderer. If you rob a bank you're a bank robber. And when you choose to treat someone poorly, then you are a BAD H. PERIOD.

-IT'S NOT HER JOB TO PLAY 10S AND MAKE YOU HAPPY. Yes, 10s feel great. It's a nice treat in life to experience. But that's not life. Life isn't a series of sexual adventures, passionate date nights, back rubs, and sharing poetry. Why? I don't know. We build a tolerance to things and quickly expect them and take them for granted. Heck, even if she kept playing 10s they would start to feel like 7s to you quickly as you got used to it. Eventually people get to a level they can maintain (such as 5s through 8s with an occasional 10) and it starts to feel like a disappointment. AND IF YOU USED THE 10S TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR LIFE YOU WILL SUDDENLY FEEL DISCONTENT AND FEEL YOUR PARTNER IS TO BLAME. SHE'S NOT. You have to be happy on your own, and take what you get as a bonus.

-ONLY YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT CARDS YOU PLAY. It doesn't matter if she plays 10s or 1s. *YOU* decide each day what type of person you are, how you want to respond. It's YOUR choice, not hers. She can play a 3 and you can STILL CHOOSE to respond with a 10.

CONCLUSION-

So, the funny part about all of this is that SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY. She thinks you didn't play the cards she needed to feel happy. She excuses all of her poor behavior as the "natural" reaction to being treated so poorly from you. She thinks what you did is far worse. This extends all the way to the "cheating". In her mind she would've never cheated had you not emotionally abused her for years, and it was only because of your actions that she was forced to take refuge in someone else to preserve herself. Then she remembered what a 10 felt like and decided that you were just an Ahole that played 1s-3s, and she can't have that in her life, and she found someone that plays 10s, so see ya later.

Now you're not playing the game anymore. There's no more interaction. SO YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH THE DIFFICULTY OF BEING DISAPPOINTED OR RESENTFUL. You start to find it easier to act like a fine and upstanding citizen. This further proves to you that it must've been her driving you crazy. WRONG. It's easier to conduct yourself well on your own. You're not better! If you were in a relationship again tomorrow you'd be back on the downward spiral again, and you'd be dropping 2's and A's on people in a controlling way until they left you as well. Why? Because you haven't learned another way yet!

For you to judge her on the cards she was playing and excuse your cards because they were the only possible reaction is not going to get you anywhere.

Step one is acknowledging the truths above, taking ownership for your behavior REGARDLESS of the context, and deciding what type of man you want to be. Step two is forgiving her for the cards she's played because now you see how she's done nothing you haven't also done. Step three is learning how to take responsibility for your own happiness so you don't resent your future partner for not being able to chemically maintain euphoria in your life. And step four is learning coping mechanisms so that you are able to maintain responses between 5-10 even when you feel hurt, threatened, or rejected.

When you reach that point where you can be truly ok without a woman's love to make you feel ok, then you can be free to choose to respond lovingly much more often. Oh, and that cheater that just dumped you? Maybe if you had the strength before to treat her differently she would've responded differently. That's the whole DB/DR idea- control your half of the dance and you'd be surprised at what you see in exchange. Of course, it will never be all 10s, that's why you have to grow a bit first. And if you do, people will take notice and you'll be ready for a truly successful M. Who knows...maybe she'll even notice...maybe she'll learn these things on her own after her fling dies down...you can't control that, but if YOU can't learn it how can you expect her to? I say lead by example and act with the character you wish she was utilizing. Maybe if you become the spiritual leader and walk this path she'll notice, and maybe follow suit. If not, you'll know you did your best to save the M, and more importantly you'll need an M to make you happy LESS, and be prepared to have a happy M MORE.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi kyrie

Just stopped by at Zues's request (Z--the way I usually find someone is by someone tracking me down here as you did, (or the alternate universe but that's a rarity).

Kyrie, so sorry you are here but it's the best place to be for lousy reasons. GLAD you have a DB coach. It's the single best thing you can do for now. And keep reading the books, b/c sometimes the 5th time you read something it resonates more.

Also could you go to your profile or somehow get your "essential info" in your signature block? That will include the basics like length of marriage, ages of kids, bomb drop dates, your ages, and main ISSUES...
that way we can refresh our memory every time we see you post somewhere.

I read a lot of your thread but doubt I can read it all, along with the others I post to,

and by having the essentials in one place, it'll give us the info we need to gauge things.
IF I recall right, you each have a child, or you have a d14, this is your 2nd m, you are a veteran and he's a pastor (one of many, or one of only a few in the congregation? I mean is he the 'main guy" or what?).

Main issues in your eyes are porn, possible EA/PA and lousy treatment AND he says he's miserable and isn't sure he wants to be married. Are there any other issues from your standpoint?

And if HE WERE HERE, what would HE say the main issues are?

12 year marriage, yes? Okay moving on...

Ugh, still many questions. I'll read more on Fo.2, thanks.
Not sure exactly what is meant by dropping the rope.


Partly it means Stop investing so much of yourself in HIS reaction to what you say or do or what expression you have on your face. Live your life well and be the best mother you can be.



Some of the DB ideas/suggests are opposing a 180 by me (and the advise given mainly by Zues). In other words, do I focus on just being the very best wife, meeting his needs and ignoring the pain right now?


If you mean sex when you say "meeting his needs" that's one thing.

But it's not our job to meet ALL of our h's needs. Only sexual intimacy is the exclusive province of a wife (leaving aside for now, porn).

"ignoring the pain"...well, it's not his pain; it's yours. You don't have to ignore it. But you cannot lay it on him. What I Think you are saying is that you feel hurt by him and you do not want to delay "Fixing" that. You want HIM to change but the thing you've been told here, repeatedly is that you cannot change him. He may always mistreat you....so does that mean you'll be in pain 24/7?

No one is suggesting you "ignore" the pain but you do have to find other comforters, than your h. He's not the person to help with your pain at this time.

But you have friends and family (Somewhere?) and I'd get an IC and talk to the safe people in your life. Treat your pain.

Learn to heal without your h's involvement, just as you would if he had passed away or moved to the Australian bush and you could not reach him.


I hear that the most. But that is nearly the opposite of dropping the rope, not "pursuing", detaching, or getting space. I'm sorry I'm so confused on this...I am very dense indeed


The problem is, I am paralyzed to disconnect and stop trying

Disconnecting is part of TRYING; it's just a new method. Counter intuitive perhaps, but you disconnect b/c you are attaching HIS reactions to everything as your barometer of personal happiness. If HE is miserable, YOU are....

IF HE is mad, you feel lousy and that's toxic. But you are empowered here b/c it's a CHOICE you've been making all along, to attach his outlook to yours.

Make a different choice.

because it will generate certain consequences: 1. it does not send the right message (by me) to my children,

I think just the opposite. IT shows that we are responsible for our own happiness and on one else gets to "author the book of our lives", we do. WE can chooose to be happy and loving, regardless of how someone else is.

You must GAL and Detach, in order to feel good enough to act loving and in time, feel loving.


2. he will surely react, badly and

PREDICTING HIS reaction is a useless path. You're not a fortune teller but even if you were, you just attached your expectation of HIS reaction to how you will behave.

NOT a good dynamic.

Detaching stops that dynamic.

And I truly do not see how anyone can detach, without GAL, which is why we hammer it so much here. IT works.


3. most of all, it reinforces what he has been saying all along: that I'm faking any love, faking trying, not being sincere and not being a good wife. So I'm pinned down, every choice and action is wrong.

Here is a plan I gave to someone here, and they said it helped them, so maybe it'll help you.

Having a PLAN means you need a GOAL, and a plan to achieve that goal. But the goal cannot be to reconcile with your h, for now.

The goal FOR NOW must be exclusively about your own growth as a woman. Become a wife only a fool would leave. Becoming the best woman you can become. DEFINE that in specific terms you understand.

Get some "mantras" or inspiring quotes for yourself, and SAY them out loud to yourself several times a day.

Watch the TED TAlk videos about positive psychology and the real data they present about how WE can change our lives from the inside...(Amy Cuddy and Sean Achor were the speakers and each is about 20 min. Easy to listen to them and potentially life changing).

Turn your marriage over to God, to free yourself to just work on YOU.

Behave in healthy confident ways and eventually, you will FEEL healthier and more confident. In TIME, your life will improve.

The improved life you create for yourself must and will be enough for you.

What your h does or believes about the new wonderful you, is far beyond your control.
Any efforts on your end to affect HIS perceptions/reactions, are for nothing. They are wasted energy.

That energy (the energy spent on worrying about Him OR in trying to convince him of anything about you) is a waste of energy.

Spend ALL of your energy on becoming the best woman & mother you can become. The reality of who you become, will suffice. It MUST suffice.

If he believes you are a purple lesbian dinosaur from Mars, you may not be able to change that belief but you cannot let it change the reality that you are a woman with great qualities.
His beliefs will NOT be based on reality, his "data" about you will be false.

That fact, that you become a better woman and wife (for someone) has to be enough for you. Because it is real.
He wil notice it and he will SAY he doubts it.

Maybe that's b/c before now, it wouldn't have been a "Change", it would have been a "tactic" to get him back. But the past, passed. It's not longer real.
You are becoming a woman only a fool would leave, NOT to win him back but b/c you want to self actualize. You're a believer (as am I). This self actualization and becoming our best selves is God's will, don't you think?


The effort to understand eveything your h does or says now, and to "get" him or to make him understand (anything) that you love him or are a great catch, is ALL for nothing. Worse, it's actually counter productive.

First, the more you challenge his perceptions, the more you force him to defend them, rather than examine them.

Second, It means your energy is "outward bound" instead of being about YOUR own growth and YOUR Changes. You'll keep checking in with him to "See if he knows that you feel X"

and you'll keep on checking the temperature to see if HE knows/feels/seems different or more aware of you, etc.

Your energy will continue to hone in only on HIS reactions to your behavior.

That is no way to live and it sure won't re-attract him to you. If it worked, it would have by now.

Go inward for the changes you need to make, and outward to GAL.


Turn the marriage over to God, & simply completely take charge of your own life.

When you become the best woman you truly can be, and you know it,

then you can turn ALL of this over to God, let the cards fall where they will,

and be at peace.

From this day forward, Hold your head high and live your life well.