Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

I had a dream the night before last where my W came to me with a friend, to talk to me and help me understand where my W was at. Her friend did all of the talking because my W couldn't speak for herself. Her friend was explaining to me why she was attracted to the OM because of the way that he could intuitively understand her better than I could. I felt helpless, since I don't know how I could possibly compete with that. I very much want to understand my W, but I can't read her mind. I need her to help me understand her by communicating her feelings and thoughts verbally, like her friend was doing on her behalf in the dream.

I think this dream says a lot. From the beginning of our R, my W always had trouble communicating and representing herself in the R. When I tried to reach out and ask her what she was feeling, and especially if I tried to bring up a conflict that needed attention, she would always avoid, withdraw, and sweep everything under the carpet. This is one of the main problems which I have come to believe is at the root of what led to the affairs. Without her stepping into the game to be honest and represent her own feelings and needs from a place of self-love and mutual respect, we could never resolve any problems together. She just always avoided everything, causing things to pile up and suffocate our emotional connection. It makes sense, and I can understand how she is just doing what she learned from her non-existent R with her parents and their non-existent R with each other. This helps me to forgive her for her poor R skills and be patient with how hard this really is for her to develop them. The problem is, she hasn't seen it this way and hasn't made any progress in becoming a better communicator during our entire R. I feel like I have been too patient, and now that it has led to the As, I am seriously questioning if I have over-extended myself? It seems like I need to establish a boundary that I have never had before regarding this. I have to be willing to walk away if she doesn't finally come around to seeing that she needs to take responsibility for her half of the R.

On the other hand, maybe I am missing something about my part in this. Maybe there's something that I am doing that pushes her away and makes her feel like I'm not safe to open up to? Throughout the R, when my needs weren't being met and my attempts to communicate and resolve these conflicts were repeatedly avoided by her, I would naturally become frustrated. In my frustration, I would sometimes get a bit demanding or critical towards her. Was there a better way that I should have responded in those situations? Were there ways that I could have been more welcoming toward her in general, more empathetic? More intuitive about understanding her like the OM supposedly is, according to her friend in the dream?

For the record, I never had this problem with any of my previous long term Rs with ex-GFs, so I'm leaning towards seeing this as something that my W needs to fix, not me. Ultimately, it's her responsibility to come to the table and represent herself if there is to be any R, isn't it?. It's as though she's still behaving like a child who needs a perfect parent who can always read her mind. I can't make her grow up in this way and I can't bridge the gap all by myself. How patient and understanding should I be before it crosses the line into neglecting myself by continuing to tolerate an empty R where the emotional connection is starved by her unwillingness to grow up, which I have no control over? I often felt frustrated by this and throughout the R I either respond to it by expressing that frustration directly (demanding/critical), or by kindly trying to explain what I was noticing, encouraging her to seek help (teaching/fixing). I'm really not sure how else I could possibly respond, other than setting a hard boundary and being willing to walk away from the R if she doesn't take responsibility.

Perhaps it's neither her fault nor mine. Perhaps my W really needs someone who is a better empathizer than me, more similar to her in personality type, who can intuitively understand what she is feeling without needing her to explicitly verbalize it? Maybe we just aren't right for each other? We are quite different, and so I do need a lot of help to understand her at times. Is it wrong of me to need a partner who can represent themselves and help me to understand them when I ask for that help? Is that too much to ask??

So, as you can see, I really am confused about what it is I need to learn here. Do I need to learn to be more empathetic, less demanding and critical, more patient? Or do I need to learn to be less tolerant of poor behavior, set better boundaries for myself and let go of trying to fix things that are my W's responsibility to fix? Or just wiser about recognizing we aren't right for each other?