LBH w/ a WXW after the D - now what

[gs9]

Interesting 12 hours. I think WXW is finally nearing the bottom.

WXW wanted to talk about finances. She began. She started talking finances and then switched into how she feels I've separated myself from the boys saying if I really wanted to part of their lives then I would have been around every night they were at the house. She eventually said she was on a tangent and went back to finances. Even this discussion is hard because she doesn't remember what she says within the very same conversation. I asked her what she thought was fair. She initially said
"since you're not paying a mortgage this month then we can just forget child support and call it even.
I said " and you'd pay half of utilities and food.
She said "no"
I said "well legally you're a renter and it does not matter whether I have a mortgage payment or not a renter would still be required to pay rent."
She said If I expect her to pay rent then she'll go and stay with her 1st XH but it's been easier for me bc she's been taking D4 to preschool and it would be best for the kids if she only has to move once blah blah blah....(it obviously wasn't this straight to the point.)
I said "Well what do you think is fair?"
She said "Well I already said we would just forget child support and call it even."
I said " and then I asked you about utilities and food and you said No"
She said "no I didn't"
We walked back through the discussion and she agreed to no child support, half utilities and food. Ugh! Ridiculous how difficult simple conversations are with someone who just rambles, doesn't take time to think about what they are saying and can't remember what they say.

she then switched into the boys saying that I obviously don't care about being in their lives bc there have been several times the boys were at the house, asked about me and she didn't know where I was. I said "you've never reached out to me to tell me when the boys are here either. Don't you think you could have reached out to me?"

She mocked me..... I walked out into the garage. She followed me calling me all sorts of names. I fired back several times. (hate that I did it). Then I left the garage for the front yard. She followed continuing to call me names but I put my head down and covered my ears. She went inside.

About 30 min later I went to her and apologized for losing my temper and calling her names. She said thank you and stated that I know walking away is a trigger for her. I said "I do but you know mocking me is a trigger for me. I'm not going to stand around and be mocked" She said "well you made a face and your body motions were a trigger for me." I then apologized if I made a face and if my body motions triggered her. She never apologized for mocking me.

I later asked her if she thought it was ok to say the hurtful things she says and the names she calls me. She said "This is what we do. You hurt me, I hurt you, you hurt me and we hurt each just over and over again. My first A was about hurting you. You expect me to apologize for calling you names but I asked you a month ago to stop spraying your cologne on in the house and you keep doing it. I know you're not putting it on to go out with the guys. You're putting it on to attract women or for your girlfriend and to spite me."
I said " why do you care?"
She said "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I LOVE YOU. I WOULD HAVE NEVER DIVORCED YOU IF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED. I LOVE YOU AND WOULD HAVE NEVER IMAGINED WE WOULD BE WHERE WE ARE. I LOVE YOU. I WANT US TO BE BETTER, I WANT US TO GO TO COUNSELING, I LOVE YOU, I WANT TO DATE, I WANT US TO BE PERFECT, I WANT US TO RECONCILE AND GET MARRIED."
I told her I didn't know wearing cologne hurt her feelings and I wouldn't put it on in the house so we can be considerate to each other until she moves out. we were then interrupted by D4.

Later she asked if my plan was just to be considerate for the next couple weeks. I said I hadn't really thought about anything more than that. I knew exactly what she was asking for. She wanted reassurance that I would date her and we would get back together but I'm not ready to do that. She has a long way to go before I'll consider it.

Nothing more was said but she did a lot of crying.

This morning she came to me angry saying she is not a renter, I haven't fulfilled all of the separation agreement and she can stay as long as she wants. I said " why are you so angry. I never said you were a renter." she went upstairs.

Later I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. She said " You asked why I was angry. I'm angry because I was vulnerable and you took advantage of me and everything you said last night was about how things affected you. you do not consider how things affect Me, SS14, ss12 and D4." I said " I'll think about what you've said and respond later"

There it is! She is hurting, vulnerable, reaching out to me in her cake eating way and not getting the response she wants. Sure she throws the kids in there to not sound selfish but it's really all about her.

I believe there were several things she did last night that she should have apologized for. I even suggested a time to her. No apology, no remorse, only what she wants and how things affect her.

She doesn't want me enough to do what's right, admit her wrongs, accept her part in all this or even that her choices are fully hers. She's still passing blame, not apologizing, deflecting, but I have seen some progress. As crazy as it seems it's been a couple weeks since she's resorted to name calling. That's a step in the right direction.