JellyB, I am so touched by your post. I had no idea you "knew" me so well and your words are so unbelievably comforting and helpful to me. I "like" the me that you describe, and I have struggled so hard to get here. So thank you.
Kyrie, you are going to have trouble finding my early posts. I changed my name and switched accounts because I posted too much personal information. I can give you hints if you are interested.
Kyrie, your number one priority right now has to be to get yourself out of crisis mode. You are not going to please H or make him feel "loved" now whatever you do. He is dealing with his own issues and he is using you as a punching bag for all of his hurt and fear and anger. You are still looking for the magic phrase or the magic response that will make him stop spewing, and there isn't one. You are still trying to fix this, and you can only fix yourself. I read somewhere and posted here a month or so a quote that I found helpful. It was "The first step for climbing out of hole is to stop digging." You need to stop digging.
Dropping the rope for me means that my emotions are not connected to H's. I can still smile and ask him how about his day, I can still serve him dinner, sleep in bed next to him, talk about finances or the kids. Even go out to dinner or watch a movie together sitting next to him on the sofa. But if he is in a good mood, or sends me a text, or smiles at me, my heart doesn't race and my thoughts don't start going in the direction of "Things are improving! This is a good sign! How can I repeat this interaction!" I just think "OK, that's nice." And it doesn't set up shop in my head. If he spews, if he makes a comment, if he gets into it with our daughter, that also doesn't start my thoughts down the path of "How can I stop him? How can I make him less angry? How can I validate?" Yes I do validate because that has become to an extent the way I communicate now. But I don't really think about it much anymore. My emotions are not connected to his behavior.
Surround yourself with people, things, ideas that are good for you. Be a loving person towards your H because you are a loving person. Not because it will "fix him" or calm his anger, not because he deserves it, (or doesn't), but because this is who you are. But be a loving person towards yourself at the same time. Your life matters, your day, each day, matters. Today matters. You can have a great day today even if H is angry. Even if he has visited a strip club or blames you or spews at you. You are in charge of your day, your mood, your life.
Get out of his way if he is preventing you from taking care of yourself. Come home late, work your schedule so you are out when he is in, or if it comes down to it, ask him to get his own place. But do this from a place of self-love and respect for yourself, not an ultimatum and not in anger. You need to manage your life.
And, yes, I agree with all who suggest you get professional help. Take care of yourself Kyrie. And keep posting.
