New guy

[mbebos]

My W was a source of strength when dad died, and during the awkward reuniting process, and I had to do it alone this time. I stayed as late as I could stand to, but I still carry those feeling I felt as an 11 or 12 year old boy who felt abandoned so long ago. At 34 I feel like I should be stronger than this, but my life has been one cycle of abandonment after another.

I had a strong fear of abandonment. I didn't know where it came from. I didn't really feel like I had ever been abandoned necessarily.

When I talked about this to IC we spoke a little bit about my childhood (although we normally don't go into history). There were some really hard years while I was 12+. During this time I remember making the decision to not feel my feelings. I read the book 'Dune', and there were mentats that were like walking computers. Kind of like Spock in Star Trek. And I thought that would be a better way to live. So I started convincing myself that feelings were just 'interesting', and nothing that really mattered to me. Hard to explain unless you have been through it. IC calls it 'dissociation', where we disconnect severely from our feelings.

How does this tie to fear of abandonment? Well, it turns out I was abandoned. See, from the time I was 12 I didn't acknowledge myself. I didn't hear the voice of my own feelings. I just took that hurt and scared child and stuffed him into a closet. When he whimpered or cried for help I turned up the radio and pretended he wasn't there. This lasted over 20 years. So what happened to cause this fear of abandonment? I abandoned myself.

Because of that I was always looking for someone else to care-take my feelings for me, and I was always terrified that they'd leave me alone. This lead to several things. Massive co-dependency issues where I'd try to control my partner's behavior to get what I 'needed'. Excessive and impossible demands that made my partner feel insufficient and continuously criticized. And counter-intuitively enough instead of being on my best behavior for fear of being abandoned, I seemed to be on my worst, as if trying to act out so as to assure myself that if she didn't leave me now she never would (like testing the strength of the relationship for reassurance continuously...not good). It also led to me continuing to avoid my emotions by overachieving, I would set goals and charge for them, because when I was 100% focused on what was in front of me I didn't feel my pain, so I turned my pain into motivation and would practice pool for hours, work overtime, just do whatever to keep busy, and show my 'worldly success' as proof that I was a good guy. Although I always felt insufficient because I knew I was a bottomless pit and something was wrong.

Since I realized this post BD I have been there to take care of myself. Every time I hurt I spend a minute picturing my feelings as a small 12 year old me in a closet, and I make sure to welcome him out, be with him, hug him, assure him it will be ok, and most of all promise I won't abandon him again, and prove it by giving myself the type of nurturing I was always craving from my XW.

Not sure if any of that sounds familiar, take what helps and keep doing your own searching for answers.

My individual therapist has been bringing up some similar aspects of my past/present mindset. Especially the little boy feeling so abandoned. Had I had this therapy two years ago, I could have really dug in on what I had, appreciated it, and worked on my marriage and strengthened those relationships, but I took them for granted. Now that I am only in therapy at this moment, I told her that it is hard for me to go back and tell that little boy that everything is going to be OK, when I feel that from then until now, not much has been OK for very long. I have another appointment tonight, and I am looking forward to it.