Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[ciluzen]

What IrishM said^^^^.

Sorry, Inpain. I feel that I am coming across to you as attacking you. I'm not. I just feel every ounce of the pain you are going through every time you write, and being the mom I am, I want it to go away...NOW. I know you do, too.

It is horrible to watch your kids go through this pain. I know that you are angry with H because he has left you and hurt the children in the process. You want to fix their hearts and make their pain go away. What mom wouldn't? But it is not something you can control. You can't fix it or make it go away. All you can do is hug them, love them and trust that they will get through it. YOU will get through it. And YOU will show them how.

I know you worry that if you aren't there interacting with him that he won't see your changes. But by not being there and interacting, by saying "have fun! I'm off for a walk with my friends!", aren't you already showing him change?

Specific changes, like verbally not beating him up, will have to wait for an opportunity. With space given, his memory of you doing that might fade and lose its power. With space you can learn and then remember to hold your tongue when the opportunity arises.

Giving space doesn't have to mean you don't see each other. You will still greet him when he sees the kids. But you will limit your interactions. And if those limited interactions are pleasant, more and more he will remember only good things about you. Give this time. Give him space.

There is a post somewhere on these boards about smothering. I had to read and re-read it til it sunk in. I will try to look for it. It applies not only to our H, but also to children. Strange, I know. I have had to use DB methods with one of my daughters. And it worked in a very short time. Anyway, try to find it.

Again, I care about you. You are my strength buddy. We both need to remind ourselves, this takes time and understanding. Its a learning process. But we have to walk through the pain, there is no way around it. And we have to drag our children with us through it because we are mothers, but because we are mothers we will show them only our strength in facing it. GAL and detach. Teach them those things, too.