Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[inpain]

Hi Ciluzen

Thank you for posting again so quickly. I haven't been able to stop thinking about what you put and the reality of what I'm doing so it's good to hear more from you.

They don't want to hear about how we feel. Now is not the time to "communicate" our needs. As much as we feel the need to tell them, it will drive them away. They are in too much pain to absorb ours, too. Your 180's sound good. Especially listening. I wouldn't ask questions about his work as much as mirroring what he is telling you and asking a question just to clarify what was said. Otherwise, too many questions = pressure and pursuit.

I only ask questions when he has initiated talking to me about work, I don't initiate any of it.

Same with making him feel welcome. Do it with a smile, but let him attend to his own needs. Right now he is neither loving spouse nor guest.
Don't push interaction if he doesn't seem interested on your first try. Stay upbeat, but just become very busy doing something else.


So I should stop making drinks, offering food etc? Just let him in and go about my business away from them all, in another part of the house? I've been staying in the room so that he can see how happy and upbeat I am.

[quote=Ciluzen]
Use those things that are most painful to you, the things that you want to fight against the hardest, as if they are little truth bullets. It hurts when you see him being nice to the kids because you want that unconditional love that he gives to them, but you know his love for you has conditions that HE FEELS were not met. Use this pain to back away from him, stop pursuing his love. And to DB.

So as I said above then, I should just warmly welcome him in and then go out or go to another part of the house away from him?

Has he ever been violent with you? Is that what you mean by afraid? If not, then yes he may get angry but he would be breaking your very reasonable rules. If you have stated your boundaries calmly ahead of time (before his late visit), and remain calm while enforcing them, then you are simply being...a MOTHER. This is part of DBing. Setting boundaries. If you have never done this, it is a 180. He may even respect you for it.

No, I didn't mean afraid of him being violent, I just meant afraid that he would get angry and that would ruin my chances of busting this divorce.

Let's face it. His trust in you not beating him up right now is gone. His trust in you changing what isn't working in your R is also gone. The changes are going to have to happen now while he is gone, and they have to be real; as in, for YOU regardless of the outcome of your R. Otherwise, he will feel manipulated. No excuses. Ask him to watch the kids and go DO something. Organize a book club, an exercise group, a walking group if you can't find one. Be happy and fun and interesting; not just a mom and wife. Change and be happy despite him. He will notice even if he's not living there.

I do get this, but the changes I need to make are to not verbally 'beat him up' and to be interested in what he tells me. How can these be changes that are made for ME regardless of whether or not he comes home? The other bit about being happy regardless, again, how is he going to know this and see this if I vacate the room as soon as I've let him in the door? I understand what to do, just not how it is supposed to help.

I know it is excruciating to watch your kids hurt through this, but (I can't make this sound nice) give them a little credit. Tell them what is happening in such a way that it doesn't demean their father and so that they don't have to ask why. Let them know it has nothing to do with them...that they have done nothing wrong. Then get tough. Set boundaries with your children. NONE of you are victims. Your happiness and their happiness is not contingent on his actions. If that is what they are led to believe, then you and they are going to have a hard time whenever faced with a painfully difficult situation. And there are others than separation and D out there.
I understand how hard this is. I made the mistake of involving my grown daughters early on by crying to them about my pain. I never said anything bad about my H, but leaned on them because they were my closest "friends" other than H. It doesn't matter how old they are, or how nice you are. Its not right. This separation causes pain in our kids no matter what age. But its better to explain what's happening and then tell them it has nothing to do with them. And show them nothing but strength and happiness in you, because you are the model for how to deal with life's curve balls.[/color]

I have done this from the outset. They do know that it is just me that H doesn't love anymore and that he still loves them. They know none of it is their fault. They still want him to come back though (obviously) and it hasn't stopped S11 asking why he won't just come home. He doesn't see how Daddy can not love me as, and I quote, "You're beautiful and lovely and kind Mummy."