Hi Jelly. I miss you! I'm doing really well in some areas, and completely falling apart in others.
I made the realization that I really and truly understand what it means to be a parent far more than H does. With that realization came the brutal understanding that I was going to have to stop wishing myself dead once and for all. This situation has pushed me closer to ending it all than any other situation could have done. I finally realized that for all my saying, "I love my kids", I was going to have to put action behind the words, and forever give up the hope of just quitting. There are so many who won't understand that. I know you will.
I had a plan. I had letters written. I was ready to put a stop to this pain once and for all. Then it hit me a few days later. My kids are already suffering the loss of one parent due to extreme selfishness. What would become of them if they wound up losing both? If I love them as much as I say I do, I can't even begin to let myself contemplate such an action, ever again. I have to make a sacrifice I can never tell them about. That is the definition of love in a way, isn't it? To be willing to do for others, without any expectation of gratitude in return?
I destroyed the letters this morning. I've given up all thoughts of taking my own way out of here. Now I need to focus on practicalities. Where am I going to go? How am I going to support myself? There can be no more waiting on miracles. I have to be the strong one. I can't say I'm thrilled about it, because I long for it all to be over. I'm hoping now that I've made the decision to thrive, I start making some progress.
I didn't make a decision to just exist. I made a decision to thrive, to really live in a way I never have before. That scares me to death. What will change, though, if I become completely self-resilient? I don't know. It's never really been my reality. I've always had help of some kind - I've never before been quite so alone. I'm not young and cute anymore. I'm older, and not really well. I guess my first step will have to be focusing on my health, all areas. I've known that for awhile, but as long as I had it in the back of my head that I was giving up, I wasn't doing much about it.
All that has to change. Now. There will be no last-minute miracle. It's up to me. I'm so scared I can barely function, so I need to break it down into steps. I suppose I need to speak to H, and work out a plan to have him help me move along, financially. Then I need to come up with a way to support myself without his help. I think that will go a long way to helping me feel better about myself.
I'm not relishing the idea of being poor. I've been there before, and not looking forward to doing it again. It is reality though, that is where I'm going to start. It doesn't have to be where I end up. I can do this, I think - I just don't know how I'm going to do it. THAT will be step one. I need to make a plan.
I think that's where I will stop today. There is so much more, but I need to work on smaller steps.
What do you mean you're falling into that trap at the moment JB? Are you getting tangled with someone that you are uncertain will deliver on his half of the relationship?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Jelly Happy New Year - you get to experience that first in the world - cool to be a leg up on everyone else. I hope 2016 gives you everything you want. I loved reading your new years posts - sorry I haven't commented until now.
May the year be filled with firsts for you!!
Peace & Love u-turn
Last edited by u-turn; 01/02/1603:16 PM.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
It's been an interesting period, this last week. A time of new beginnings for many, desire to leave behind the old and start over again. A clean slate. I have been reflecting on where to next from here for me. Alot of consolidating, and lot of things moving back and forth between my head and my heart. Reflecting on where I started and where I am going. I have little glimmers of where I am supposed to be and just as suddenly as they appeared they are gone.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about how to widen my social circle, how to engage people, what is friendship, how do you make them, how do you keep them. It is not something I know how to do. I envy people that just know how to make them happen.
The last week if have rarely posted as I have been watching and observing interactions between different posters, groups of posters. I am been watching whose posts get responded to and how and why. Attempting to understand the dynamic, hoping for some learning to make a way in. All this observation does is convince me that I am better in my introvets cave, because I don't know how to crack the code.
Jelly, you have zero idea what it's like to struggle to connect with others. Friendship isn't even possible for me. Having even glimmers of understanding sounds like paradise.
(this is my way of joking about what a jerk I am by the way)
I don't have answers. I know that I've never been normal. I lived in a poolhall practicing line drills for 10 hours a day for a reason. I saw others doing things together, hanging out, telling jokes...they all looked like a different species. I know what it means to wonder about the steps to the dance, but knowing that like catching a ball there is no way to calculate how to do even something that comes easy to anyone else but you.
Sometimes I think I've worked through it. I'm less sensitive. I no longer worry about it. I feel pretty ok with who I am. I notice people seem to like me some of the time. I'm like, 'hey, I've grown, I'm more calm then I used to be!'
Then I look around and I'm by myself writing posts on a forum and playing chess.
Have you heard 'misfits' by the kinks? It's not that deep, just a nice tune. What do they listen to in NZ?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
We live in such a different time now. It's crazy how so many of us interact on forums instead of IRL. Perhaps much more easy on forum for introverts, which is great because you introverts have so much to offer and certainly offer a unique outlook. It's interesting that you are both involved in careers that require a lot of social interaction.
I am certainly not an extrovert (my brother used to make fun of me in high school and say, "you look like someone that has a lot of friends, but I know you don't") but i do have a few..ok 1 very close friend and I can interact with acquaintances well when I'm in the mood. I like hanging out with people that don't follow the social norms and don't always say or act the way they are supposed to. I like them because They make life so much more interesting and I don't have to worry about being nice or polite. They usually are the ones to say what I am thinking.
Isn't it weird that we can reveal so much to each other, yet we will never actually know one another here?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
We live in such a different time now. It's crazy how so many of us interact on forums instead of IRL. Perhaps much more easy on forum for introverts, which is great because you introverts have so much to offer and certainly offer a unique outlook. It's interesting that you are both involved in careers that require a lot of social interaction.
I am certainly not an extrovert (my brother used to make fun of me in high school and say, "you look like someone that has a lot of friends, but I know you don't") but i do have a few..ok 1 very close friend and I can interact with acquaintances well when I'm in the mood. I like hanging out with people that don't follow the social norms and don't always say or act the way they are supposed to. I like them because They make life so much more interesting and I don't have to worry about being nice or polite. They usually are the ones to say what I am thinking.
Agreed. I have a best friend and 3-4 friends I've made over the years that for some reason have connected with me. We don't talk daily but it's always fun to catch up. I'm talking a nerd/geek gamer guy with a pony tail that works from home odd hours for an overseas company while he occasionally binges on speed and plays games in his computer room for days...and some other guys that are both totally stand up and inspirational while still being total degen. It's a good mix for me.
Quote:
Isn't it weird that we can reveal so much to each other, yet we will never actually know one another here?
You never know Julie. We might bump into each other some day. In fact, I could even be the guy standing behind you in the library. Wearing the red cardinals cap and the blue overalls.
Really.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
