Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[ciluzen]

So, I'm going to try to answer some of your comments on what I said earlier. Purple writing is the new stuff. Again, sorry for the harsh tone...I'm tired and crabby, but I care about you doggone it!
Despite what I put in my previous post I am being cheerful and upbeat when he comes round. I am making sure I look my best and I make jokes and am happy and playful with the children. I have made him laugh most visits. What I have learned about why he left...he doesn't love me anymore because, in his words, I have 'beaten' it out of him. Not literally, I have never touched him or beaten him. He means with words. I struggled for a long time to be receptive to him and not be angry with him after the discovery of him contacting OW again for several years behind my back. In his own way he tried to make it right but it wasn't the way I needed and by his own admission he gave up. We have also argued a lot about S11. H is very strict and we have disagreed about this a lot. He has also said I don't show an interest in what he has to say about his job. Since he has left, when he comes round I have done the following 180s: showed keen interest in everything he talks to me about and asked questions about his job, wished him a good shift whenever he leaves if he is going to work that day; stayed out of any times he's disciplined S11; shown love in the only way I can when he's sacked me as his wife, by making him feel welcome and attending to needs such as drinks/snacks.

I still remember my H telling me, "stop beating me up" in reference to me chewing on him for the millionth time about how he made me feel. As said before, our spouses are similar. Or maybe our bad habits.
They don't want to hear about how we feel. Now is not the time to "communicate" our needs. As much as we feel the need to tell them, it will drive them away. They are in too much pain to absorb ours, too.
Your 180's sound good. Especially listening. I wouldn't ask questions about his work as much as mirroring what he is telling you and asking a question just to clarify what was said. Otherwise, too many questions = pressure and pursuit.
Same with making him feel welcome. Do it with a smile, but let him attend to his own needs. Right now he is neither loving spouse nor guest.
Don't push interaction if he doesn't seem interested on your first try. Stay upbeat, but just become very busy doing something else.


He has left YOU. Not THEM. He is showing you this every time he visits. It hurts. Use it. SHOW him you UNDERSTAND that he needs his space ...and his children.

Use those things that are most painful to you, the things that you want to fight against the hardest, as if they are little truth bullets. It hurts when you see him being nice to the kids because you want that unconditional love that he gives to them, but you know his love for you has conditions that HE FEELS were not met. Use this pain to back away from him, stop pursuing his love. And to DB.


About not letting him in if he breaches your boundaries:
I am afraid to do this in case it angers him and hampers my DBing efforts.

Has he ever been violent with you? Is that what you mean by afraid? If not, then yes he may get angry but he would be breaking your very reasonable rules. If you have stated your boundaries calmly ahead of time (before his late visit), and remain calm while enforcing them, then you are simply being...a MOTHER. This is part of DBing. Setting boundaries. If you have never done this, it is a 180. He may even respect you for it.

[/quote]I don't see how they can be right to leave rather than working on the M. I understand what you mean about what if that was the only reason they came back. I can see that. I do not intend to not change if he comes back though. I want him to come back so that I can show him I am changing/have changed/ will continue to be different and attentive.

Let's face it. His trust in you not beating him up right now is gone. His trust in you changing what isn't working in your R is also gone. The changes are going to have to happen now while he is gone, and they have to be real; as in, for YOU regardless of the outcome of your R. Otherwise, he will feel manipulated. No excuses. Ask him to watch the kids and go DO something. Organize a book club, an exercise group, a walking group if you can't find one. Be happy and fun and interesting; not just a mom and wife. Change and be happy despite him. He will notice even if he's not living there.

I want to build a happy M with him,
Then build a happy YOU. Happy people don't beat up their husbands (I'm being harsh because I did it, too)
not have him stay for the kids. However, the children are being hurt A LOT by this. My D7 is complaining of tummy aches all the time and saying she doesn't want to go to school (she loved school prior to H leaving) and she cannot get to sleep because she misses Daddy tucking her in. S11 is in tears every day and asks constantly why Daddy isn't coming home and is always asking H why. I know it is excruciating to watch your kids hurt through this, but (I can't make this sound nice) give them a little credit. Tell them what is happening in such a way that it doesn't demean their father and so that they don't have to ask why. Let them know it has nothing to do with them...that they have done nothing wrong. Then get tough. Set boundaries with your children. NONE of you are victims. Your happiness and their happiness is not contingent on his actions. If that is what they are led to believe, then you and they are going to have a hard time whenever faced with a painfully difficult situation. And there are others than separation and D out there.
I understand how hard this is. I made the mistake of involving my grown daughters early on by crying to them about my pain. I never said anything bad about my H, but leaned on them because they were my closest "friends" other than H. It doesn't matter how old they are, or how nice you are. Its not right. This separation causes pain in our kids no matter what age. But its better to explain what's happening and then tell them it has nothing to do with them. And show them nothing but strength and happiness in you, because you are the model for how to deal with life's curve balls.