Battles of the sexes?

[Zues126]

Julie, I thought about posting this on my thread but here will do. This isn't all aimed at you, it's been building up for the last few weeks or months. And it isn't necessarily "DB Guidelines", rather just my feelings. And my feelings are just that, reactions to different things based on the perspective I happen to have at this moment. But I'm sharing. There is no judgment here, this is about me not you or anyone else.

There are a number of things I'm seeing in different threads that is starting to impact me. I mean, I'm getting physically upset reading some of the stuff. I'm letting it bring me down. I so strongly disagree that it impacts my day. What are these things? Believe it or not, it is some of the LBS's behavior. Oh, we know that LBS's need to vent, but that's not what I'm talking about. So here's what is getting to me:

1. Lack of commitment. I am sick and tired of us LBS's talking about how they feel (or DON'T feel) towards WAS as a reason to no longer want R. When WAS left because of their feelings it was a betrayal, end of the world, how DARE they?!? When LBS doesn't feel like standing anymore it's no big deal. I want to throw up, and that is not a figure of speech.

2. Criticism and controlling behavior. Venting about WAS's behavior is fine. This means blowing off some steam so we're prepared to focus on something we control, such as how we react to that behavior, how to set boundaries, how to detach, etc, etc. Continued focus on WAS's behavior to AVOID our own behavior, through criticism, judgment, re-writing our own history, it's just fatiguing. And when it comes to trying to change WAS's behavior through letter writing, interventions, R talks, punishment, I just get down. It brings me down a little to see this. I'll add 'diagnosing' to this, because lord knows all of our WAS's are bi-polar, borderline personality, with bad influences from their parents, and lifelong issues, and narcissism, and addictions, and were always terrible partners.

3. Impatience/desire for new partner. This is marriage. This is family. DBers are supposed to place value on that beyond price. Yet there just seems to be a hurry to get out of the spot we're in. Yes, it stinks. It stinks to not have your needs met. It stinks to be lonely. It stinks to be in pain. This is the universe communicating there are things we need to learn. And this is God asking us to step up and serve Him and our spouse in a way deeper and more wholly than we did in our failed relationship. Yet the LBS's, if we can't control the outcome, if we can't control our spouse, if we can't control things into a M that gives us what we deserve, then what's the point? It's all about us, right? And the desire for a new partner? Wat? Seriously? We are married! Why is it ok to even entertain ideas of new partners? Because our spouse is confused? How would we like to be sick in the hospital and find out that our spouse, the one that was supposed to love and protect and nurture, was busy getting their online dating profile updated 'just in case' we didn't pull through. Nice.

Julie, you're one of my favorite posters. You've steered into the heart of some of the most painful waters you could in an effort to do what's right. Maybe you did so with expectation of being rewarded with the M you wanted when you wanted it and are feeling a bit betrayed. I don't know. But when I read your posts I just want you to slow way down. You are married. Your H has flat out talked to you about how to go about rebuilding a new M. And you are talking about pulling the plug, timelines, and who you'll rebound with? C'mon Julie. You didn't do all the hard work to throw it away now. Instead finish the job, do even harder work, let go of those expectations, drop the resentment and focus on H, love him silently, serve your marriage, and be happy and patient.

What's the difference between a WAS and an LBS? What they do when there are no more positive feelings and the marriage no longer looks attractive.

I don't even want to read my old threads. I'm sure I did all of this crap. I don't want to read it. I don't. It's ugly. It hurts me to think about. I almost got to the point I couldn't read DB forums but I don't want to just disappear so I thought I'd just put it out there. My issue, I know the rest of the world is going to do it's thing, I have to deal with it. That's why I say this is about me. I AM upset by all of the D's in this country, and these things just look like more of the same sickness. But I'll be ok. I'll figure it out. I just really hope people can step up and lead their family through these crisis and not succumb to the pain they experience.