More and more, and less and less...

[Zues126]

Hey guys. Just getting back. Interesting weekend. Results weren't good on paper, but I had a good journey. There were some highs and lows. The friend I went to the tournament with won one of the divisions, and there were some large side bets. We split each other's action so I won a large amount betting along side of him. I felt a bit guilty but I won last year so I guess comes around. He played just awesome, including running out the set against the pre-tournament favorite (race to five games, he won the flip for first break, then broke and ran all five racks in a row without his opponent picking up his cue) to win the event in stunning fashion. It was pretty cool to witness. Me, I had my moments, I fought into the cash, but it wasn't meant to be. Very good times though.

Sunny, I thought about that voice. It's the old Indian tale of two wolves. I guess I'm afraid to let go of that voice. Why? If I do, I'm afraid of what will happen if I stop driving. Sometimes I feel like my drive is what is holding everything together. If I stop driving I'm afraid I'll fail in my sales career and won't be able to pay my bills. I'm afraid I'll be some mediocre pool player that drinks beers and falls short and marvels at the real players that can actually get it done. I'm afraid that if I stop driving I'll just stay in bed and never get out again. Maybe I'm deeply depressed and driving is the way I combat completely shutting down. Maybe if I let go I would be happier, and I might find out I'd still have other motivations to manifest my gifts beyond insane intensity. But it's scary because I'm not sure which.

And I HAVE cut back. Shoot, this posting stuff? 2 years ago I never would've posted. It would've been time away from my pool game. That wouldn't have happened. No, I've actually slowed down quite a bit. I think I just fire that up more when I compete because I need fuel to drive me, and that's all I've ever known.

Motivation is a really tricky thing, I could write a book on that by itself. People don't get motivation, they really don't. Sometimes they feel motivated, sometimes they don't, there are external motivators that drive people at times, but those people don't know how to drive themselves when things externally aren't giving them a tail wind. I've seen many talented players (and salespeople) that do amazing things for a year or two, but champions understand that motivation isn't just a component of success, desire is really the name of the game. It is foundational. NOTHING can happen without desire. So learning where that comes from, and how to build it, channel it, and make it work for you...just as important as learning how to play. Otherwise you'll just win when you happen to be feeling hungry. Which after winning everything in sight for a few years is less and less often. That's why they say getting to the top is easy, staying there is hard. There is external motivation to get to the top, whereas it takes more internal motivation to stay there, when the expectations are there, there is no more recognition to be gained for continuing to win, etc, etc.

All by means of saying I'm not sure I have another fuel source in place, and I'm afraid of what would happen if I let go of the voice telling me I have to keep pushing all the time. I've thought about smoking pot just to help me with that. But that voice tells me I need it, and I'm afraid to let it go. I'm sure I don't, I can be ok without it...I've let go more this last 18 months than I ever have. I hear it's echoes, while I am really proud of what I've done, my pool game is off, I'm not in great shape anymore, I should be working instead of posting this, etc. But more and more I am aware of the voice as opposed to being whipped by it.

That's enough rambling for now. Having hard time finding the words.